You Want Wednesday? You Can't Handle Wednesday!

If you're still basking in the warm glow of Christmas Day, you have come to the wrong place. Take a few minutes for some snarkiness while you sort through all those gift receipts.

---If you know somebody who actually tracks Santa Claus's progress through that NORAD website, I hope you have their name in your address book written in pencil.

---I'm sure Santa Claus got to your house.

---Except, of course, if you live in the New York metropolitan area, where he was probably delayed 60 to 90 minutes due to air traffic.

---I got an early Yuletide present last Saturday when I came out of my Rodeo Drive haircut appointment. I watched two of Beverly Hills' finest cops bust this well-dressed Hispanic woman for shoplifting.

---They had her cuffed in ten seconds. All the while, she was saying, "No speak English. No speak English!"

---But, she was certainly able to read English, because she had just come out of the Ralph Lauren store. So, she's literate enough to know that it wasn't an Old Navy.

---Have a holly jaily Christmas.

---Deck the bars with those tin cans, fa la la la la la la la la la.

---Oh, yeah, she steals because she's poor. Right. Because some poor kid understands the Polo label.

---A few days before we can officially end this year's edition of Shopping Mall Garage Wacky Racers.

---I actually saw some dumb chick almost kill about three people. She had to make a shopping lot right turn doing at least 30 MPH while yakking on a cell phone.

---Because she desperately needed to call somebody to check on Uncle Bob's neck size.

---Yo, Stupid! I have something you can wear around your neck, too. One yank fits all.

---A big salute to anybody who works in retail during the holiday season, attending to the very wish of our mostly detestable population.

---I saw more sales clerks having to contend with customers, who were simultaneously having a cell phone conversation.

---It's amazing that the folks who multi-task are ill-equipped to do even one thing at a time.

---I really did hear this exchange on Christmas Eve, when I was in a small local gift shop, which is the only place I can buy Filofax filler paper.

---A sales clerk was meticulously gift wrapping a fancy pen for this annoying cow.

---And she had the nerve to say, "Can you go a little faster? I'm in a hurry."

---Hey, lady, if you hadn't stopped at In N'Out Burger, you would have the time to wrap this yourself.

---Besides, whoever you're giving that present to probably doesn't like you anyway.

---I actually had to make an airport pickup the other day and the exodus had begun. It was a flashlight in a room full of cock roaches.

---For some inexplicable reason, I had to be in the Delta Airlines terminal. Talk about your low end clientele. I didn't know you could pay for a flight with food stamps.

---By the way, I saw Sherri Shepherd from the View at baggage claim and, according to my roommate, she was flying coach!

---LA had been much emptied out by the Sunday before Christmas. And the result is my favorite week to be in SoCal.

---In a town where everything is supposedly just twenty minutes away, you can actually get someplace in forty minutes.

---The only places that are still crowded are the movie theaters, as Hollywood types start to catch up to the Oscar buzz flicks. The Arclight lobby is a major celebrity gathering place. I stake out a spot in the corner and watch the Botox parade by.

---I saw "Juno" and "Enchanted" and I am renewed in my faith that Hollywood can still write smart comedy that is not aimed at 17 year-olds.

---Not sure if you read this. The still breathing Art Linkletter, who must be 140 years old, lost his son, TV personality Jack.

---That means this fossil outlived both his children. Given that his daughter, Diane, threw herself off a balcony 35 years ago.

---Kids do the darndest things.

Go have yourself that second piece of pie.

Dinner last night: Christmas prime rib with good friends at home.