Double Coupon Wednesdays

This blog entry will not be 12 items or less.

---Ralph's Supermarkets in California will stop doubling coupons this week. We can now safely take scissors away from all those senior citizens.

---Now, people over 75 are going to have to find something else to sort through every Sunday.

---Of course, I expect lots of hoarding. Try and find any Polident or Depends by the end of the week.

---Speaking of groceries, how freakin' lazy is this?? Smuckers now puts out a pre-made peanut butter and jelly sandwich with the crust already cut off. All you do is thaw it out for an hour and then give it to Junior for lunch.

---One more time. I blame Oprah.

---How goddamn busy are parents that they can't make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for their kid?? For Pete's sake, you can make 12 sandwiches in the time it will take Dumbbell Mom or Dad to thaw one out.

---This is the only country in the universe that should have a built-in laugh track.

---And while we're shopping, doesn't new Met Manager Jerry Manuel look like the night manager at your local A & P?

---He's supposedly going to be the big difference for this team. Maybe they will finish above .500.

---Except he's already likened the Met fans to "fertilizer."

---From what I can see, the only real manure still remains on the field.

---And that means you, Carlos Delgado.

---By the way, Met owner Fred Wilpon came out and said that he really liked Willie Randolph despite the fact they fired him.

---And everytime I hear Fred talk these days, he reminds me of some guy at the home waiting for his afternoon Jell-O.

---I'm betting Fred is first in line for those pre-made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

---The other night at Dodger Stadium, there was some gasbag behind me with his kids. And he was sharing with them his baseball knowledge.

---Except everything he told them was a blatant lie or downright wrong. I felt like I was listening to a DVD box set of Keith Olbermann.

---Behind every stupid kid is a stupid parent.

---Even Tori Spelling has a child, gang.

---I love all these polls coming out now. Every news publication has some sort of "numbers" on the upcoming Presidential election.

---Obama up by 12 points. McCain ahead by 2 points. Blah, blah, blah.

---Why do we even bother to go through the vote? Let's just get it over with now. Anoint one or the other so we can all simply go hide under our beds for the next four years.

---Obviously, Obama thinks the race is over. He already has trotted out his own logo, which looks very much like the official Presidential seal.

---The guy is so sure he's getting in that I heard he's already erecting some white columns around his house.

---Of course, he was smart enough to stop using the seal after one day. His campaign is now selling them as Frisbees on E-Bay.

---Meanwhile, Middle America females, AKA morons, are all dying to buy the dress Michelle Obama wore when she guested on that hen party called "The View."

---If they all want to emulate her, they should talk to people who used to work with Ms. Obama and hear their take on the future First Lady.

---"She's a %$%#% (*&)^ @!+%.

---And I edited that down.

---I hope they don't start copying Cindy McCain with that goofy hairdo. We'll wind up with a nation full of Marge Simpsons.

---By the way, Ms. Obama needs to stop with the knuckle bump nonsense. Ballplayers were doing that five years ago. And, as far as I know, she hasn't hit any walk-off doubles lately.

---I'd love to bump my knuckles with her.

---And I'm aiming from the neck up.

---A true story from my apartment last night: Around 6PM, the phone rings and I answer it. On the other end of the conversation is clearly the voice of a Black woman.

---"Hey, I'm out on the street and looking for a john."

---HUH?

---There are certain moments where my cleverness and speed don't match up. Here are some replies I wish I had come back with.

---"Well, there's a bathroom down at McDonald's."

---"Sorry, I already gave money to Hillary Clinton."

---"Mom?"

---But, alas alack, all I could muster up was...

---"Boy, do you have the wrong number!"

---Heck, for all I know, I could have been speaking to the next Secretary of State.

Dinner last night: Sausage pizza at Maria's Italian Kitchen.