Another Wednesday in This Chicken Outfit

It's the All Star Break, but baseball is just not the same without the Chicken.

---The All Star Game is like the Oscars. Lots of hype. It goes on way too long. And, by the next morning, you can't remember who won.

---Who did win last night?

---Maybe the real question is...is the game over yet? People leaving Yankee Stadium this morning ran into milkmen making their deliveries.

---Of course, the National League played for about 10 hours and still lost. Did they really think they had a chance? The NL hoping they would win is sort of like Kirstie Alley hoping that Big Macs would become a diet food.

---Before the game, they carted out lots of living Hall of Famers. And, from the looks of them, several dead ones.

---They carted Yankee dirtbag owner George Steinbrenner on a golf cart for one last hurrah. I hope his pre-paid funeral plans are all set.

---I pity the nurses who'll be waiting on him in his final days. Getting screamed at for not knowing how to bunt along a runner.

---I'm probably in the minority here, but I can't be bothered by the Home Run Derby. It's just one more ESPN event where Chris Berman is shoved down our throats like castor oil.

---Back, back, back, back...

---Don't you wish he was saying that as he was walking near the edge on the Santa Monica Pier?

---Of course, Yankee Stadium got the spotlight as the place winds down its existence. And getting all the press.

---Meanwhile, Shea Stadium is closing, too. And, except for Met fans, nobody seems to care.

---It's sort of like your neighborhood is losing a Nordstrom's and a EJ Korvette's in the same year.

---I am sick to death about hearing how 2008 is the closing of Yankee Stadium and its stature as this revered baseball cathedral.

---Correction. That Yankee Stadium closed in 1973. This Yankee Stadium is not that place. It was virtually rebuilt. The only thing in common is the dirt. Not even that fake facade is real.

---It's called lipstick on a pig.

---This Yankee Stadium is a dump. Shea Stadium is a sewer. They are essentially bus terminals with grass. Over and both out.

---And, next year, both fan bases will finally be without the smell of urine and flooded bathrooms.

---At double the prices.

---Fanny Mae. Freddy Mac. I have all my money tied up with Elly May and Bernie Mac.

---All these Maes makes our banking industry sound like an episode of Petticoat Junction.

---So this bank disaster is all about people not paying their mortgages?

---Three years ago, when I considered buying a condo in LA, I looked into these mortgage deals. I quickly realized that the terms would screw me down the road, so I didn't do it.

---Once again, the ignorant underbelly of this country now messes it up for everybody else.

---I actually heard one slob on the news say this: "This is America and I have a right to have my own house."

---Only if you can pay for it, stupid.

---Meanwhile, it's all apparently a moot point since the planet is burning up. You might have heard all the talk about the polar cap melting.

---What you don't read is that there is volcanic activity underneath and, from what I remember from high school science, that tends to be a little warmer than your morning cup of coffee.

---Water freezes and then it melts. That's what ice does.

---Maybe there's some sort of Zamboni machine they can run around up there.

---Of course, Al Snore covered this all in his Powerpoint presentation. Last year, his monstrosity of a home in Tennessee was cited as the biggest energy drain in the state.

---So, the state government worked with him to help make his home more energy efficient.

---This year, it has been reported that his electric bill went up another 10 percent.

---Tipper must be running the Cuisinart overtime.

---You can't write this type of comedy.

---And all of Martin Luther King Jr's kids are fighting over their old lady's estate. It seems two of the kids have been extorting from it.

---Well, at least, the dispute is non-violent.

---My father had an expression for this and I will share with any interested parties free of charge if you send me a private e-mail.

---The safest children in America must be Dodger outfielder Andruw Jones' kids. He refuses to hit them, too.

---Dodger owner Frank McCourt came out in the newspaper and lambasted the team for its lackluster play in the first half of the season.

---Manager Joe Torre read the story and said, "Is that it?"

---He's probably still combing the story and looking to see who's going to be fired.

---If you were the woman playing the first violin in the LA Philharmonic during last Saturday's Hollywood Bowl performance, please call. I thought you were adorable.

---I love all this drama about that New Yorker magazine cover depicting the Obamas as these Arab terrorists.

---It's called satire, folks. Anybody who's ever gone to an eye doctor appointment in Manhattan knows full well where the New Yorker leans.

---But, it's just one more time when Obama can remind us all that he is...

---Just like the coffee.

---And I am an equal opportunity offender. If an Ambien pill could talk, it would sound just like John McCain.

---Anytime I hear him talk, I feel like I'm back in Mr. Russell's Physics class.

Dinner last night: Chopped steak and salad.