Hands Free, My Ass!

It's been one week since the State of California imposed the "hands free" law with regard to phone use in automobiles. Now, if CHP catches you holding your cell phone and yakking it up while driving, you are ticketed and perhaps even shot.

This is one more example of a government law being enacted that is designed to show that they care about us---their voting populace. And it's all business as usual. Bullshit.

There are no statistics to prove that holding a cell phone while behind the wheel causes a significantly higher number of accidents. Indeed, it isn't the device that's confounding other motorists who watch their fellow buffoons weaving in and out of lanes. Nope. It's their lack of concentration that can kill us all.

Americans are an amazing lot. A society that loves to multi-task, despite the fact that most of them can't even do one single task correctly. Nowhere else on the planet are people so privileged and yet so lacking in their ability to deal with said privileges.

So, one more state now insists on a hands free phone device that will do nothing. Because the rest of the time, you will have the following jugheads behind the wheel doing a variety of things that they really should be doing someplace other than a freeway. All of the following I have actually seen with my own eyes:

---Some Dumb Dora kissing a little cocker spaniel that had its paws on the steering wheel. Put the freakin' cayoodle in the back seat. Because an accident is brewing with little Sparky on your lap when he decides to use your thigh like the newspaper laid out on the kitchen floor. Even better, maybe the little canine mistakes your knee for the cute little poodle next door.

---There was one idiot driving down Wilshire Boulevard with a crossword puzzle laid out on his steering wheel. Here's a answer for you: 7 letter word for Man Driving This Car---A-S-S-H-O-L-E.

---I literally was driving parallel to a car on the 405 Freeway. Except there was nobody behind the wheel. After a good 30 seconds, he finally popped up from the floor where he was retrieving some CDs. I am sure the paramedics will enjoy the background music from Coldplay as they cut you out of your car.

---On countless mornings, there is some stupid woman putting on make-up at every stoplight. Those false eyelashes will look charming when your entire head is covered with gauze. Get your scrawny ass out of bed five minutes early every morning and use the bathroom mirror.

---I saw somebody with a book propped up on the dashboard. I couldn't get close enough to see the title, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't "Unsafe At Any Speed" by Ralph Nader.

---I don't know how they managed this, but I once spotted some guy driving with a girl on his lap. Perhaps he was instructing her on how to use the stick shift.

---I actually rode with an associate once whose driving scared the Raisinets out of me. She was driving, but still insisted on making eye contact with me during our conversation. She kept turning away from the road to face me. I held onto the door handle for dear life. She's asked to drive me places since. I have respectfully declined.

So, there are state laws planned to curtail any of the above. So, enjoy your hands free device when you check in with the home front to find out if Brussel Sprouts are on the menu for dinner. But, feel free to do anything else that will severely divert your attention from the road ahead.

Hey, watch it, buddy!!!!

Sorry. I'm writing this blog entry on the way to the dry cleaners.

Dinner last night: Lasagna.