Shake, Rattle, and Wednesday

Here's some aftershocks courtesy of me.

---A 5.4 shaker didn't go unnoticed. But, to be honest, I thought it was this fat guy down the hall walking to the kitchen to get his lunch.

---Seriously, all our walls vibrate when it's time for him to microwave his Hot Pockets.

---I had a premonition of the earth shaking the night before. When Andruw Jones got a pinch hit RBI single.

---When another former New Yorker friend of mine bemoaned that this kind of calamity does not happen in NY, I reminded her that she could be stuck behind a tanker in the middle of the Lincoln Tunnel.

---My point was taken.

---All in all, there was no great damage. People were panicking mainly because their cell phones didn't work for about 45 seconds.

---And, in certain supermarkets, you'll be hard pressed today to find a jar of Grey Poupon or a bottle of Jack Daniels.

---Of course, Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa sprang into emergency action and cancelled his scheduled business lunch at the Hideaway Motel in Pomona.

---I love, love, love the fact that some former Apollo astronaut confirms that aliens live among us. And maybe they work at the local car wash with all the illegal ones.

---Why is it that every one who admits to actually seeing an alien lives in a mobile home park?

---And they never seem to show up in major cities. If you're from outer space and wanted to be inconspicuous, wouldn't you want to blend in on the IRT subway?

---Another great place where aliens can hide: the monthly meeting of the LA chapter of the Andruw Jones Fan Club.

---Speaking of idiots, I had a fun celebrity encounter last Friday at Dodger Stadium. As I entered the gate to the park, I spotted actor Jason Bateman gabbing with MSNBC's renowned moron Keith Olbermann.

---Later I was walking back from the concession stand and saw that Keith Olbermann was approaching from the opposite direction. As our paths crossed, I had an impulse. I muttered "asshole."

---He heard me. I heard a growl back. "Who was that?"

---It felt so good. And I'm thinking that probably happens to him at least four or five times a day.

---So, for just one night at Chavez Ravine, Andruw Jones was not the biggest jerk in the park.

---I feel so much better about Obama now that I know Germany loves him.

---Okay, it's not like they don't have a history of standing around and listening to some lunatic yell at them.

---And, just maybe, the presumptive President wasn't the main draw. Heck, there were two rock bands there, as well as free beer and bratwurst.

---For free German sausage, even I would have shown up.

---I think it's hilarious that, at the same time Obama was in Germany, McCain was parked at some Wienerschnitzel stand in Wisconsin.

---Shorty McCain just can't get a break. If Obama goes to the Olympics, McCain probably shows up at a Kansas City Royals game.

---Okay, so Obama tried to do everything that JFK did in Berlin. But he couldn't complete the job since actress Romy Schneider died twenty years ago.

---The way he was running around Europe acting like the President, I was convinced I had dozed off and reawakened on January 22, 2009.

---On the way home, somebody should have reminded Obama to make stops at the Thomas E. Dewey and Michael S. Dukakis Presidential Libraries.

---The cover of last week's People was hilarious. "The Obamas at Home." Some hysterical attempt to make these cretins look like your average American family.

---I can sleep easier knowing that the Obamas have managed to work hard and claw their way out of the upper Middle Class.

---Meanwhile, I met somebody last week who used to live in their Chicago neighborhood. Let's just say that Michelle Obama is not someone you want to be negotiating with when your kid needs a playdate. This person tells me she is almost universally hated.

---Except for the German family around the corner.

---This week, the Dodgers' Nomar Garciaparra went on the disabled list on Tuesday.

---Nomar is probably the only person in America who would actually benefit from Universal Healthcare.

---I think the late Pee Wee Reese got into more games at shortstop this year than Nomar.

---The July 31 trading deadline for major league baseball has taken on this bizarre media frenzy. There are so many rumors about so many different players being available. And ultimately nobody goes anyplace.

---If Babe Ruth was still alive, he would have been "designated for assignment" by now.

---I can hear one of those knuckleheads with a fantasy baseball team now. "I gotta get rid of that stiff Gehrig. The shithead upped and died on me."

Dinner last night: Super Dodger Dog and onion rings at the game.