Full of Crap

Those Saturday morning infomercials on TV can be hilarious. And habit-forming. I remember the one from about ten or fifteen years ago. Ron Popeil, that genius inventor, had that spaghetti maker and then was spraying some sort of string or paint on his head to cover up bald spots.

There are others that have become legends. That lady who used to put clothes in a plastic bag that would suck the air out and essentially vacuum wrap your wardrobe for the winter. And there are miracle mops of all shapes and sizes. As if you need an act of God to wipe up a spill on the kitchen floor.

Now the infomercial that is flooding the airwaves is all about your colon. Not the punctuation mark. Your ass. And how backed up we all are. At any given moment in time, we each have about 10 to 20 pounds of excrement that is clogging our internal organs. And the toxins have no place to go but through the pores in our skin. I am looking at my own right now and I see nothing like this. But, apparently, I am crapping right through the hairs on my arm.

The big expert on this subject right now is this creepy looking guy named Klee Irwin. He's got a bunch of pills that will get you moving in just the right way. Literally. He pledges to help you unclog whatever has been stuck in your intestines since the moon landing. If you want to get re-acquainted with the strawberry shortcake served at your eighth birthday party, this guy can help with that reunion. Because, throughout the half-hour, he reminds you that you will be amazed at what you see in your toilet bowl. He talks about length and width and I wonder just how quickly this idiot runs through rulers. According to Klee (even the freakin' name is weird), John Wayne's autopsy uncovered that the cowboy had over 40 pounds of shit in his body probably dating back to meals he had while making "Stagecoach" with Walter Brennan. This fact has been widely refuted as an urban legend. You wonder just how much of the other garbage Klee spews is worthless as well.

Not worthless to him. A two month supply of this swill is $130. It can be at your door in days and then you can be praying to the porcelain god in short order.

These crazy infomercials must exist for a reason. Because there must be fools out there who buy into all these idiotic claims and notions. The dumbing down of America continues. What most people don't realize is that the human body fully contains the capacity to do its own cleaning. If you follow a sensible diet and have a kernel of knowledge, you don't need Klee Irwin's pills. I would love to see just how big a house he lives in.

Even more importantly, I wonder how many bathrooms he has in those mansions.

Dinner last night: Thanksgiving Day repast of the usual fixings.