Deep in the Heart of Wednesday

Greetings from the Heartland of America. Chevy trucks in every driveway.

---Here I am in a state that actually voted for McCain. They are waiting for a late surge of absentee ballots.

---Actually, I think some of the goofballs here are still waiting for Alf Landon.

---I saw a fresh new bumper sticker: "Don't blame me. I voted for John McCain."

---Yeah, the only hope they want to see here is in "The Road to Morocco" with Bing Crosby.

---There's already a long line of senior citizens waiting their turn to play checkers with George W.

---When you fly into Dallas, you realize how flat and brown it is.

---You have to land before you can tell how stupid it is.

---There's a steakhouse on every corner and probably not a single cholesterol controlling statin in the entire state.

---My hotel here is always the Westin Galleria and there's a mall and an ice skating rink right in the lobby. Ice skating in Texas seems as odd as sunscreen in Alaska.

---I woke up Tuesday to find every 12 year-old girl in the city of Dallas descending upon the mall and the hotel because the star of "Twilight" was going to be making a personal appearance that night.

---It would have been like a pedophile went to Candy Land.

---By the way, most hotel rooms now have flat screen TVs. Except they never adjust the aspect ratio.

---My eyes never adjusted and everybody I saw the next day looked like that kid on "Family Guy."

---Had my first experience on Dallas' Light Rail system. The only trouble is there was nobody that light on it.

---Is there a bum convention in town?

---So, the Lincoln bedroom overnight guest list has gone from Winston Churchill who managed his country with brilliance and now probably Oprah Winfrey who has singlehanded contributed to the dumbing down of America.

---You just know she's going to get up in the middle of the night and clog the toilet.

---On election day, I loved those tears rolling down Jesse Jackson's face.

---They were not sobs of joy. It was the day when his race-baiting business model finally collapsed.

---I wonder if he's having a clearance sale. Picket signs half off. Bricks and rocks are 10 for a dollar.

---And now Al Sharpton might as well see if he can get a gig as the next spokesperson for Jenny Craig.

---To celebrate Obama's election, my pastor wants to put together a time capsule which we will open in five to ten years.

---I suggested that my contribution should be a copy of my 2008 tax return.

---Since the gay marriage proposition got voted down in California, the homosexual community en masse held a protest in front of a Mormon temple near my house.

---Helicopters flying around all night made me feel like I was sleeping in Hanoi.

---Best picket sign I saw on TV: "You have 5 wives. Why can't I have one?"

---Like the Mormons are any better. If one out of every four people is gay, which one of the Osmonds is tagged?

---I've always had my thoughts about Marie Osmond. As if she was never under the gym bleachers with her best friend Trudy?

---Okay, everybody knows Nancy Reagan is a loon, but Barry Obama didn't need to throw her under the bus in his first press conference.

---Let's see if Michelle can fit into one of those signature red dresses. With that fat ass, she'd look like a fire engine speeding down Wilshire.

Getting on my horse and riding West. See ya tomorrow, cow pokes.

Mushroom and sausage pizza at the Studio Movie Grill in Plano, Texas. Blog details to come.