My Guesses for Your 2008 Oscar Winners - Part 1

Hollywood Boulevard is closed for the week. Bleachers and red carpets are laid out all around the Kodak Theater. And most doctors on Wilshire Boulevard are out of collagen. This can only mean one thing.

The Oscars are here.

As you might remember if you commit this daily nonsense to your mental hard drive, I participate in an Oscar competition with two good friends back East. First, we select what we each believe will be the five nominees in the six major categories. With that score, we then proceed to guess the winners on Oscar night. The one with the total number of correct answers as an aggregate wins. I pretty much win every year, but the annual prizes certainly have not resulted in me having to report them to the IRS. As a matter of fact, the only award I get is pride. And that, like a Mastercard, is priceless.

Following the announcement of nominees, I am already ahead by one point. So, here goes the rest. My projections for Oscar gold done in two parts. Today, I tackle all the categories that bore the shit out of most of us. You know, the ones where you go to the kitchen to refill the bowl of onion dip.

ANIMATED SHORT FILM: And what could be more useless than this category? Ironically, my two NY compatriots actually go and view these things every year. Not that it gives them an advantage, because I don’t think most of Hollywood bothers to see this crap. Sometimes, I think they mark their ballots with the title that sounds the most interesting. And that’s what I am going to do as well. The winner will be…PRESTO. Oh, God, wait. I did see that! It’s a Pixar cartoon that ran before Wall-E. Now I’m sure it will win.

ANIMATED FEATURE: Connect the dots. The winner will be…WALL-E. And certainly not because I liked it. The first half hour was cute. The other three days of the film were dull as Grandpa’s razor. Bolt is also up for this and I think I liked that one more. I missed Kung Fu Panda, primarily because I am trying to cut down on MSG intake.

LIVE ACTION SHORT: I have a basic rule of thumb on these things, which are actually viewed by about five people max. Go with whichever short is devoted to a) racism or b) the Holocaust. Of this year's bunch, there is one that matches the criterion of b). The winner will be...SPIELZEUGLAND (TOYLAND). And now I know what I used to get for Christmas. Lots of spielzeugs.

DOCUMENTARY SHORT: And we rinse and repeat. I have a basic rule of thumb on these things, which are actually viewed by about three people max. Go with whichever short is devoted to a) racism or b) the Holocaust. Of this year's bunch, there is one that matches the criterion of a). The winner will be...THE WITNESS: FROM THE BALCONY OF ROOM 306. It's about the assassination of Martin Luther Ling Jr. and probably a slam dunk in this year of Obama. I'd like to see this film and see if they track down the white woman he was probably going to meet and screw in this fleabag motel.

DOCUMENTARY FEATURE: Hands down, the winner is and should be...MAN ON WIRE. I saw this movie about the guy who walked the tightrope between the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center and it was riveting. My fear is that another nominee, Trouble The Water, is all about Hurricane Katrina and some super-liberal Academy members can't stop wringing their hands over that disaster. My fingers are crossed for Phillipe Petit.

FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM: I've heard of two nominees, but haven't bothered to see either one. Waltz with Bashir is a cartoon about Israelis at war and I'm not sure I want to see a suicide bomb strapped to Elmer Fudd. There's a lot of buzz for the nominee from France and I think that's the way they may go. The winner will be...THE CLASS.

COSTUME DESIGN: No Edith Head? No head, Edith? Whatever. My rule of thumb with this category is simple. Pick the movie that goes back to the earliest time in history. So, that means the winner will be...THE DUCHESS.

SOUND EDITING: Besides the fact that the movie was incredibly overrated, there was one very distinct memory I have about last year's Batman film. It was freakin' loud. The winner is...THE DARK KNIGHT.

SOUND MIXING: Rinse and repeat again. Besides the fact that the movie was incredibly overrated, there was one very distinct memory I have about last year's Batman film. It was freakin' loud. The winner is...THE DARK KNIGHT.

MAKE-UP: Three nominees are listed. There was make-up in The Dark Knight? I might have missed it...because it was so freakin' loud. There was make-up in Hellboy II? I have yet to catch up with Hellboy I. So, for making Brad Pitt look like Mickey Rooney, the winner is...THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON.

VISUAL EFFECTS: This award always goes to the one who uses CGI and green screens without the audience thinking that the filmmaker is relying a lot on the use of CGI and green screens. I saw nothing in The Dark Knight that was much different than a late-night car crash on KCAL news. I loved Iron Man, but, for my money, Robert Downey Jr. was better than the special effects. So, for making Brad Pitt look like he was as tall as one of Alvin's Chipmunks, the winner is...THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON.

ORIGINAL SCORE: Ugh. Usually the same array of sappy over-orchestrations plus whatever Disney or Pixar movie came out. And, oddly enough, that's what this year is. The Disney/Pixar representative is Wall-E. But I don’t remember much music from that. So, I’m predicting that the Bollywood juggernaut begins here. The winner is…SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE. Sari about that.

ORIGINAL SONG: Two nominees are from Slumdog Millioniare. The third is from Wall-E, which still baffles me as I remember a song even less than I remember a score. Now, I do recall that MGM musical number set against the closing credits of Slumdog. What was the name? Singin’ in the Monsoon? That’s British Containment? Flea for Two? The Sahib Next Door? Okay, I’ll stop. The winner is…”JAI HO” FROM SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE.

FILM EDITING: In a year where every movie seemed way too long, I’m thinking film editing is a lost art. Here, I usually go with the film that is the shortest, since that means the editors were actually on the job. But, this year, that would be Frost/Nixon, which unfortunately has as much positive buzz as Obama’s stimulus package. So, I’ll opt for more celebration at your local 7 Eleven. The winner is…SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE.

ART DIRECTION: Okay, Revolutionary Road is nominated and no film should win this award for using furniture that was in my aunt’s house. Slumdog Millionaire isn’t in this category because, frankly, you can’t get that creative with flies and mud. The Dark Knight was essentially video game graphics. I loved Changeling, but it died quicker than the New York Giants in the playoffs. For no other good reason, the winner will be…THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON.

Tomorrow, I tackle the really big stuff.

Dinner last night: Chicken teriyaki sandwich at Islands.