Your Weekend Movie Guide for April 2009

Everybody line up at this classic old style movie box office. This one is still picturesquely stationed in front of the wonderfully restored Alex Theater in Glendale, California. It's a lot classier than reading those electronic boards that brusquely remind you that the 810PM showing of Watchmen is "SOLD OUT."

Using the Los Angeles Times as my guide, let me steer you to (or away from , as is probably the case) some of the junk unspooling this weekend at your local cinematic dumpster.

A Haunting in Connecticut: Frankly, I think Christopher Dodd is enough to drive people out of the state.

Race to Witch Mountain: Lots of people are racing to get there. I, however, am taking my time. I should arrive there around the 13th of...Never.

Monsters Vs. Aliens in 3D: Those glasses always bother me. I'm just saying.

I Love You, Man: Previously disemboweled on Len Speaks. Note to the filmmakers: I Hate You, All.

Goodbye Solo: Did they finally make another Man From U.N.C.L.E. movie? Nope, this is some sappy slop about a Southern good ol' boy and a taxi driver from Africa. They will obviously embrace each other and show the world that it's all about love and peace. I'd prefer to see David McCallum and Leo G. Carroll.

Hannah Montana; The Movie: Which would probably give me Hannah Montana: The Migraine.

Anvil! The Story of Anvil: A documentary about a heavy metal group. And here I thought it was all about that thing that Wile E. Coyote would try to drop on the Road Runner's head.

Observe and Report: Seth Rogen shit. Three words that go together as easily as turkey with stuffing. Can we please put this guy on some boat near Africa and let the pirates have their barbaric way with him?

Shall We Kiss?: A romantic comedy from France. Bring your own deodorant.

Adventureland: From the producers of Superbad and you could have fooled me. I liked this movie. Very deceiving. A charming story about coming-of-age while working at a summer amusement park. Huge and pleasant surprise like money being willed to you by somebody you despised.

Fast and Furious: They have made how many of these movies? Can anybody do a fast count? Car crashes all over Southern California. But, I looked at the cast list and there's not a single Asian woman listed. What gives?

Duplicity: Julia Roberts, Clive Owen, some dull repartee, and a two hour nap for me.

Knowing: Nicolas Cage and that's enough for me. Next. Has he made a decent movie since "Leaving Las Vegas?" Which, in reality, was over-rated as far as I was concerned.

Sunshine Cleaning: A quirky little movie that could have been even quirkier. Decent film but I still left the theater feeling unsatisfied. Like eating one of those Lean Cuisines for Thanksgiving dinner.

Dragonball Evolution: Some Chinese comic book crap about looking for dragonballs. That's how they came up with the clever title. Whatever happened to a simple plot that had Bette Davis falling in love and then going blind?

The Mysteries of Pittsburgh: Hopefully they explain the main one. What would anybody live there?

Paris 36: You mean there were 35 movies before this one?

Sugar: This one intrigues me as it's all about baseball. Some Dominican baseball player winds up in the US minor leagues and has to learn about life. I'll let you know.

Watchmen: What??!!! You haven't seen this yet??!!! Good. Neither have I.

Slumdog Millionaire: What??!!! You haven't seen this yet??!!! Good. I, unfortunately, did. Along with Shakespeare in Love, the two worst choices for the Best Picture Oscar in the past 40 years.

The Song of Sparrows: All about that noise outside which annoys you every Saturday morning.

Dinner last night: Had a big lunch, so nothing but an ice cream sandwich.