46 BC: JULIUS CAESAR DEFEATS CAECILIUS METELLUS SCIPIO AND MARCUS PORCIUS CATO (THE YOUNGER) IN THE BATTLE OF THAPSUS.
I think Cato the Older later worked with the Green Hornet. Or was that O.J. Simpson?
1199: KING RICHARD I OF ENGLAND DIES FROM AN INFECTION FOLLOWING THE REMOVAL OF AN ARROW FROM HIS SHOULDER.
The sad thing is he shot the arrow there himself.
1320: THE SCOTS REAFFIRM THEIR INDEPENDENCE BY SIGNING THE DECLARATION OF ARBROATH.
Big deal. They're still a bunch of guys who wear skirts.
1327: THE POET PETRARCH FIRST SEES HIS IDEALIZED LOVE, LAURA, IN THE CHURCH OF SAINT CLARE IN AVIGNON.
After connecting with her first on Parchment.com.
1453: MEHMED II BEGINS HIS SIEGE OF CONSTANTINOPLE (ISTANBUL), WHICH FALLS ON MAY 29.
It took Mehmed seven weeks to get this done?
1667: AN EARTHQUAKE DEVASTATES DUBROVNIK, THEN AN INDEPENDENT CITY-STATE.
What? No tsunami? Big gyp.
1782: RAMA I OF SIAM FOUNDS THE CHAKRI DYNASTY.
When do Yul Brynner and Deborah Kerr show up?
1808: JOHN JACOB ASTOR INCORPORATES THE AMERICAN FUR COMPANY, EVENTUALLY LEADING HIM TO BECOME AMERICA'S FIRST MILLIONAIRE.
Of course, this was "BBB." Before Bob Barker.
1830: THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER DAY SAINTS IS ORGANIZED BY JOSEPH SMITH JR..
Technically, I guess these were the Former Day Saints.
1860: THE REORGANIZED CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER DAY SAINTS IS ORGANIZED BY JOSEPH SMITH III.
"Sorry, Dad, I've got a better way."
1869: CELLULOID IS PATENTED.
A good idea at the time, now it's wasted on movies starring Seth Rogan and Will Ferrell.
1893: SALT LAKE TEMPLE OF THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER DAY SAINTS IS DEDICATED BY WILFORD WOODRUFF.
These guys sure get around.
1896: IN ATHENS, THE OPENING OF THE FIRST MODERN OLYMPIC GAMES IS CELEBRATED.
Well, there goes NBC's 1896 prime time line-up.
1909: ROBERT PEARY AND MATTHEW HENSON ALLEGEDLY REACH THE NORTH POLE.
Allegedly? Check the bottom of their boots. If there's snow, they were there.
1917: WORLD WAR I BEGINS WHEN THE UNITED STATES DECLARES WAR ON GERMANY.
Well, that will finally teach them a lesson. We won't have to worry about them ever again.
1919: MOHANDAS KARAMCHAND GANDHI ORDERS A GENERAL STRIKE.
Against what? Or was that too much thinking to do at once?
1929: ACTRESS JOI LANSING IS BORN.
Who? Well, she was every sitcom ever made. Here she is. A big buxomed actress you wouldn't forget. And the cosmic screwing she got? She died in 1972 of breast cancer.
1929: LOUISIANA GOVERNOR HUEY LONG IS IMPEACHED.
And all the king's horses and all the king's men...
1930: GANDHI RAISES A LUMP OF MUD AND SALT, DECLARING " WITH THIS, I AM SHAKING THE FOUNDATIONS OF THE BRITISH EMPIRE."
Pretty stupid if you ask me. Fooling around with mud when you're wearing white all the time.
1937: ACTOR BILLY DEE WILLIAMS IS BORN.
And, for the first time, Jerri Curl shows a profit.
1947: THE FIRST TONY AWARDS ARE PRESENTED FOR THEATRICAL ACHIEVEMENT.
I had a friend who actually thought they were named after Tony Randall. I am no longer friends with this idiot.
1957: GREEK TYCOON ARISTOTLE ONASSIS FOUNDS OLYMPIC AIRLINES.
I still can't believe Jackie slept with this ogre.
1973: THE AMERICAN LEAGUE OF MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL BEGINS USING THE DESIGNATED HITTER.
And they remain assholes to this day.
1996: ACTRESS GREER GARSON DIES.
She gave the longest Oscar acceptance speech ever. Actually, this was the day she finally shut up.
1998: COUNTRY SINGER TAMMY WYNETTE DIES.
D-E-A-T-H.
2004: ROLANDAS PAKSAS BECOMES THE FIRST PRESIDENT OF LITHUANIA TO BE PEACEFULLY REMOVED FROM OFFICE BY IMPEACHMENT.
If you no longer have to lead Lithuania, I call it addition by subtraction.
2005: PRINCE RAINIER OF MONACO DIES.
He lasted longer than his wife because he had the good sense not to drive around all those twisty roads.
2009: A 6.3 MAGNITUDE EARTHQUAKE STRIKES ITALY.
6.3? Japan is thoroughly unimpressed.
2011: THIS IS THE 1500TH POST OF LEN SPEAKS.
That's a shitload of writing without getting paid.
Dinner last night: Pork loin, rice, and string beans.
1 comment:
You wanna get paid? Write a script. Hint, hint.
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