Believe me, folks, it's never too early to think about this. Idiots are already tripping over themselves to jockey for space on the Republican ticket. And, especially in light of the chaos and corruption of the current Washington DC administration, we do need the hope of some change.
I didn't have to look far for my ideal candidate. I found the perfect guy on Sirius Radio. The Radio Classics channel. The only person that will be able to heal the micro-fractures that have formed in America over the past few years.
I am endorsing for the office of President of the United States beginning on January 20, 2013...
...Mr. Jack Benny.
Oh, stop your snickering. Have you got a better idea? Some of you didn't do such a hot job when you had your chance in 2008.
Okay, now that I have made my announcement, I will entertain your questions.
Len, somebody in show business shouldn't be President of the United States.
Er, that's already been done. Remember Ronald Reagan? And who's going to argue with me about which was the better movie? The Horn Blows at Midnight or Bedtime for Bonzo? I thought so. Next..
Come on, Len, Jack Benny's a comedian.
And a damn good one. And his humor is intentional. As opposed to the unfortunate verbal pratfalls from the inept Dan Quayle and Joe Biden, who were so stupid that they actually made Jimmy Carter look like Archimedes. Look, if we're going to have a jokester running our country, he might as well be funny. Next question?
Jack Benny has no experience.
Don't even go there. Compared to who? A guy who ran around the South Side of Chicago with a clipboard? Or one of the pretenders on the other side? A gun-toting harpy from Alaska. Next.
The guy was a cheapskate.
Ah, now you're getting it. After the past two decades when government spending has doomed life for future generations, we need the pinnacle of fiscal conservatism. Who better than Jack Benny? The man who absolutely refuses to part with a dollar bill until the very last moment. I'm thinking that he will take the same delicate care with our money as he does with his own.
How could somebody like Jack Benny govern in these tough international times?
Well, he was the hottest thing in radio during World War II. He had the number one show in America with most of the country tuned to him every Sunday night. Jack Benny had a fine hand in bringing this nation together during those years---perhaps the very last time this country was completely unified.
Could he handle the Mideast?
He's Jewish and you know that immediately heals the Israeli wounds inflicted by the current President. Laughter is the best medicine. I'll guess that even the late Osama Bin Laden would have laughed at that Mel Blanc bit. "Si, Sy, Si, Sue, Si."
What about the car industry?
Jack really knows his stuff in that area. After all, he drove that Maxwell for years. The car really stood up. Put that up against anything Government Motors has turned out in the last decade.
And the ability to make crack, split-second decisions?
You mean like waiting four days to respond or make a public statement when some asshole tries to blow up an airplane with his underwear? Well, you'll always know where Jack stands. Even if he hasn't made a judgement call, he'll update you on the process. Remember his answer to "Your money or you life?" Jack was straight forward and totally transparent. "I'm thinking it over."
And his views on minorities and women's rights?
If you listen to the old radio show, you'll notice that Mary Livingston and Rochester get all the good lines. He shares the stage with them equally. And, let's face it, Rochester was well taken care of. He should have been. After all, he did do ironing.
His general concern for the public?
Look, he was totally humanistic. Every week, he scheduled a song for Dennis Day. That was Jack's way of setting up a few moments for his audience to go to the bathroom or get a cold drink from the kitchen.
Len, you're missing one important point. Jack Benny is dead.
Gee, I don't think this is as much of an impediment as you do. After all, over the past two decades, we have done nothing but elect brain-dead politicians to office. So what if Benny is just a little more dead than that? I am guessing that no one will really notice the difference.
Makes total sense to me. Go ahead. You try to argue the logic.
Dinner last night: The salad bar buffet at a Sizzlers near Forest Hills, Queens, New York.
I didn't have to look far for my ideal candidate. I found the perfect guy on Sirius Radio. The Radio Classics channel. The only person that will be able to heal the micro-fractures that have formed in America over the past few years.
I am endorsing for the office of President of the United States beginning on January 20, 2013...
...Mr. Jack Benny.
Oh, stop your snickering. Have you got a better idea? Some of you didn't do such a hot job when you had your chance in 2008.
Okay, now that I have made my announcement, I will entertain your questions.
Len, somebody in show business shouldn't be President of the United States.
Er, that's already been done. Remember Ronald Reagan? And who's going to argue with me about which was the better movie? The Horn Blows at Midnight or Bedtime for Bonzo? I thought so. Next..
Come on, Len, Jack Benny's a comedian.
And a damn good one. And his humor is intentional. As opposed to the unfortunate verbal pratfalls from the inept Dan Quayle and Joe Biden, who were so stupid that they actually made Jimmy Carter look like Archimedes. Look, if we're going to have a jokester running our country, he might as well be funny. Next question?
Jack Benny has no experience.
Don't even go there. Compared to who? A guy who ran around the South Side of Chicago with a clipboard? Or one of the pretenders on the other side? A gun-toting harpy from Alaska. Next.
The guy was a cheapskate.
Ah, now you're getting it. After the past two decades when government spending has doomed life for future generations, we need the pinnacle of fiscal conservatism. Who better than Jack Benny? The man who absolutely refuses to part with a dollar bill until the very last moment. I'm thinking that he will take the same delicate care with our money as he does with his own.
How could somebody like Jack Benny govern in these tough international times?
Well, he was the hottest thing in radio during World War II. He had the number one show in America with most of the country tuned to him every Sunday night. Jack Benny had a fine hand in bringing this nation together during those years---perhaps the very last time this country was completely unified.
Could he handle the Mideast?
He's Jewish and you know that immediately heals the Israeli wounds inflicted by the current President. Laughter is the best medicine. I'll guess that even the late Osama Bin Laden would have laughed at that Mel Blanc bit. "Si, Sy, Si, Sue, Si."
What about the car industry?
Jack really knows his stuff in that area. After all, he drove that Maxwell for years. The car really stood up. Put that up against anything Government Motors has turned out in the last decade.
And the ability to make crack, split-second decisions?
You mean like waiting four days to respond or make a public statement when some asshole tries to blow up an airplane with his underwear? Well, you'll always know where Jack stands. Even if he hasn't made a judgement call, he'll update you on the process. Remember his answer to "Your money or you life?" Jack was straight forward and totally transparent. "I'm thinking it over."
And his views on minorities and women's rights?
If you listen to the old radio show, you'll notice that Mary Livingston and Rochester get all the good lines. He shares the stage with them equally. And, let's face it, Rochester was well taken care of. He should have been. After all, he did do ironing.
His general concern for the public?
Look, he was totally humanistic. Every week, he scheduled a song for Dennis Day. That was Jack's way of setting up a few moments for his audience to go to the bathroom or get a cold drink from the kitchen.
Len, you're missing one important point. Jack Benny is dead.
Gee, I don't think this is as much of an impediment as you do. After all, over the past two decades, we have done nothing but elect brain-dead politicians to office. So what if Benny is just a little more dead than that? I am guessing that no one will really notice the difference.
Makes total sense to me. Go ahead. You try to argue the logic.
Dinner last night: The salad bar buffet at a Sizzlers near Forest Hills, Queens, New York.
1 comment:
Only gets my vote if Rochester is VP.
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