Wednesday, May 2, 2012

This Date in History - May 2

Happy birthday, Pinky Lee.  Now please explain to everybody who the hell you were.

1194:  KING RICHARD I OF ENGLAND GIVES PORTSMOUTH ITS FIRST ROYAL CHARTER.

Woo hoo.  We got the charter.  Now please explain to everybody what the hell that is.

1230:  WILLIAM DE BRAOSE IS HANGED BY PRINCE LLYWELYN THE GREAT.

He was great because he apparently had the tallest tree in town.

1536:  ANNE BOLEYN, QUEEN OF ENGLAND, IS ARRESTED AND IMPRISONED ON CHARGES OF ADULTERY, INCEST, TREASON, AND WITCHCRAFT.

In 2012, she would have gotten her own show on Bravo.

1568:  MARY, QUEEN OF SCOTS, ESCAPES FROM LOCH LEVEN CASTLE.

She was later found hiding with Steve McQueen and Charles Bronson.

1611:  KING JAMES BIBLE IS PUBLISHED FOR THE FIRST TIME IN ENGLAND. 

Alert all motels in the area.  We have something for the night stand drawer.

1672:  JOHN MAITLAND BECOMES DUKE OF LAUDERDALE AND EARL OF MARCH.

Because everybody goes to Lauderdale in March.

1863:  DURING THE CIVIL WAR, STONEWALL JACKSON IS WOUNDED BY FRIENDLY FIRE.  HE SUCCUMBS TO PNEUMONIA EIGHT DAYS LATER.

Apparently, the bullet was contagious.

1876:  THE APRIL UPRISING BREAKS OUT IN BULGARIA.

So what's planned for May and June?

1885:  GOOD HOUSEKEEPING MAGAZINE GOES ON SALE FOR THE FIRST TIME.

No excuse now if you don't know how to make a meat loaf.

1885:  COLUMNIST HEDDA HOOPER IS BORN.

Hats off.

1885:  THE CONGO FREE STATE IS ESTABLISHED.

Thank goodness it didn't disrupt the birth of either Good Housekeeping or Hedda Hopper.

1903:  DR. BENJAMIN SPOCK IS BORN.

Who told his mother what to do?

1907:  COMEDIAN PINKY LEE IS BORN.

And I still don't know who you are.

1918:  GENERAL MOTORS ACQUIRES CHEVROLET.

The earliest known bailout.

1932:  COMEDIAN JACK BENNY'S RADIO SHOW PREMIERES.

I am listening to reruns on Sirius as we speak.

1933:  ADOLF HITLER BANS TRADE UNIONS.

Okay, he did have one good idea.

1937:  COMEDY WRITER LORENZO MUSIC IS BORN.

This is Carlton, hic, your doorman.

1945:  DURING WORLD WAR II, GENERAL HEINRICH VON VIETINGHOFF SIGNS THE OFFICIAL SURRENDER OF GERMAN FORCES IN ITALY.

Uncle!

1946:  SINGER LESLEY GORE IS BORN.

It's your party.  Stop your whining!

1955:  TENNESSEE WILLIAMS WINS THE PULITZER PRIZE FOR "CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF."

I'll bet he staggered up to the podium to get it.

1957:  SENATOR JOSEPH MCCARTHY DIES.

Shithead.

1969:  THE BRITISH OCEAN LINER QUEEN ELIZABETH 2 DEPARTS ON HER MAIDEN VOYAGE TO NEW YORK CITY.

With or without the purse?

1972:  J. EDGAR HOOVER DIES.

No investigation needed.  That sucker is dead.

1984:  GAME SHOW HOST JACK BARRY DIES.

The Joker is now...dead.

2000:  PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON ANNOUNCES THAT ACCURATE GPS ACCESS WOULD NO LONGER BE RESTRICTED TO THE MILITARY.

So now everybody knows the long way to get someplace.

2009:  POLITICIAN/FOOTBALL STAR JACK KEMP DIES.

Thrown for a big loss.

2010:  ACTRESS LYNN REDGRAVE DIES.

Bye, bye, Georgy Girl.

2011:  OSAMA BIN LADEN IS KILLED.

Well, hello, Allah, well, hello, Allah......

Dinner last night:  Hamburger.

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