The Cynic's Twelve Step Guide to Voting in a Presidential Election

My name is Len and I approve this blog post.

If you're like me, you're probably disgusted.  We've now wrapping up what was the ugliest Presidential campaign and election in history.  Starting with the bullshit rhetoric of the recent conventions and then the nonsensical debates, I can hear my dad's voice calling to me again.

"They all stink."

And, yes, these two circus clowns do.  Stink, that is.  The choice between a wealthy businessman who conjures up images of Milburn Drysdale to an inept President who basically tried to clean up a kitchen floor spill with an oil slick and had no business being elected in the first place.  

Yes, this is the choice we have.  Two complete dirtbags.  Meanwhile, as it has done steadily in the past forty years, our country careens down a slippery slope.  We have likely one generation left of life as we know it.   Good job. America.   A wonderful country that has been destroyed by politicians regardless of their party affiliation.  Folks who keep following the same bi-polar paths of the two parties that have effectively demolished what used to be a decent place to live.  The philosophical taffy pull that will very shortly destroy America, which is entering its likely last half-century as a country that we can be proud of.

A large part of our problem is that, as a rule, we have become a very stupid and lazy country.  One that embraces mediocrity as an accepted norm.  And these are some of the slobs that will go to the polls.  Forgetting to cut through the crap that is handed to them by both sides of the aisle.

You want to vote smart next Tuesday?  Here's how you should prepare for November 6, 2012 in twelve easy steps.  Why twelve steps?  I thought the analogy was fitting as all our politicians are drunk with power.  Just know that I am likely to offend you.  And also you who is on the other side of the political aisle as well.

1.  Read the Constitution:  The Constitution?  What's that?  Lord, you're dumber than I thought you were.  Our founding fathers worked long and hard on this document designed to ensure our long term freedom and set up a government for the people and by the people.  A lot of it has admittedly gone out the window as recent administrations have circumvented the original by-laws.  But, every American should read it at least once.  And think hard about the type of government you really want to have in this country.

2.  Read up on Presidential History in the 20th Century:  Read a book?  Who?  Me?  Yeah, you.  Instead of Keeping Up with the Kardashians or the Bachelorette, turn off the fucking TV and crack open a biography of one of our Chief Executives over the past 100 or so years.  Pay particular attention to Franklin Roosevelt, Harry Truman, John F. Kennedy, and Ronald Reagan.  I'm not saying they were all perfect.  As a matter of fact, they were all incredibly flawed.  But they worked through it and never diminished the sanctity of the office.  And that's something we can't say the last three Chief Executives have managed to do. 

3.  Don't Vote for a Color:  Forget White.  Forget Black.  We've already had that feel-good "I-need-to-feel-better-about-myself-because-my friend-at-work's-grandmother-had-to-endure-Jim-Crow-laws-back-in-1962" moment and look where it got us.  The only color to avoid in a Presidential candidate is green.  That would likely be the sign of an internal illness and the person could die in office from an infection just like Warren G. Harding.  Oh, you didn't know that?  That's why I told you to read more in #2.

4.  Ignore a Candidate's Personal Finances:  I mean, who cares??  Really?  Frankly, if a guy has figured out how to pay less taxes in his life, he's just doing what we all do every April.  Major props to him or her.  Look, we've had some Presidents who were dirt poor and others who were loaded.  You can't draw any conclusions one way or another.  Abe Lincoln and Harry Truman were virtual paupers.  Meanwhile, the Roosevelt family was loaded to the back teeth.  And the Kennedys were millionaires who made their dough bootlegging and selling personal favors out to the Nazi party.  Next...

5.  Don't Be Impressed if a Candidate Seems Like Your Next Door Neighbor:  Trust me, he wouldn't be caught dead in your neighborhood.  There's no way you will be able to borrow hedge clippers from him.  And if your kids come in and tell you that they just talked to "Barack" in an on-line chat, please tell the youngsters it wasn't really him.  Because it wasn't.  I am guessing it was a really computer-saavy White House intern.  These candidates are not really your "friends" and you don't have to "like" them on a social media site.   It is pointless.  However, can you imagine what Adolf Hitler could have done if Facebook existed in 1939??

6.  Disregard Any Speeches by the Candidates' Wives:  Both spouses addressed their respective political conventions this year and tried to connect with the common voter in speeches they didn't even write.  Those monologues were crafted by more writers than were on staff at "Friends."  Puh-leze!  No two women have been more privileged and pampered.  The biggest decision Ann Romney has to make in a given week is which gravy boat to use for Sunday dinner.  And, no, Michelle Obama does not shop at Target.  She got into college thanks to a racial quota.  Her one and only job was earmarked by government grants in Chicago.  Meanwhile, she has had more vacations in the past three years than you and I will enjoy in our entire lives.  And don't forget the professional hair stylist available to her 24/7. 

7.  You Don't Care if the Candidate Can Sing:  How many freakin' videos were posted by assholes on Facebook showing the President breaking into song at some dinner?  This is a Presidential election, not a talent contest.  If Mitt Romney dances the Continental with his wife, you really can't be bothered.  If Barack Obama starts to croon soul, walk away.  If you want a singing contest, wait till next Spring when Ryan Seacrest reads off the ATT dial-up digits on American Idol.

8.  Avoid Comparisons to Other Historical Figures:  They all do it.  How many times have I heard somebody liken themselves to Adlai Stevenson?  Umm, a smart guy but he was a big loser every time he ran for office.  The Susan Lucci of politics.  Republicans and Democrats both love to conjure up the image of Ronald Reagan.  He's been out of office for 24 years and, as I can confirm after my recent trip to his museum and library, still in a marble slab up on that hill.  And, during the Democratic Convention, President Obama compared himself to Franklin Delano Roosevelt.  Er, read a history book.  FDR's initiatives to get us out of the big Depression all failed.  The economy finally recovered only because the Japanese chose to bomb our naval fleet on December 7, 1941.  Nice try, Mr. POTUS.  Everybody, please simply try to emulate yourselves.  That's bad enough.

9.  Don't Necessarily Vote like Your Parents Did:  I know a lot of people who still harbor this hatred against Richard Nixon.  It has been handed down to their kids like a family scrapbook.  Heck, when I first registered to vote, I went the Republican route because that's what my father told me to do.  I have since switched to Independent status.  If you're old enough to vote, you're old enough to formulate your own opinions and you can start by reading # 1 through # 8 on this list.  PS, your parents aren't as smart as they think they are.  Some of them still have me as a friend.  I rest my case, your honor.

10.  You Don't Care How a Celebrity Votes:  Both parties love to come out with a conga line of Hollywood morons extolling the virtues of their candidates.  After seeing "Larry Crowne," do you even trust Tom Hanks with a vote?  Does it matter how Eva Longoria or her personal assistant pulls the lever next November?  And, of course, we will soon get the every-four-years-vow from that fat pig Alec Baldwin who will pledge to leave the country if the election doesn't go his way.  All of these people are idiots and should simply stick to doing what they do best.  Act badly.  I trust you that not one of them has read the first 9 points printed in today's blog entry.  But they should.  In the case of Alec, just go already.  If the paparazzi won't kick the shit out of you in some South American country, I am sure the local dictator's police force will.

11.  Avoid Watching Candidates on Entertainment Programs:  They all do and it's emblematic of just how low the electoral process has sunk in this country.  My God, how do they fit it all in?  Well, to be honest, they love going on these programs because all these shows are scripted in advance.  The candidate is totally in control of the surroundings.  There is no honest and intelligent dialogue.  You want to see the way it used to be?  Go onto You Tube and dig up some clips of politicians being interviewed by the likes of Johnny Carson, Jack Paar, and Merv Griffin.  The talks are tempered and mannered.  You had no clue which way the host was leaning politically.  And that was the magic of Carson and also Bob Hope.   They would skewer everybody and took all prisoners on both sides of the aisle.  Not so today.  Witness the recent appearance of Obama on that pervert David Letterman's gabfest.  The gap-toothed, dirty old man licked the President up and down so much that he must have thought Obama was his newest college intern.  You see the same nonsense elsewhere.  They all run through Jon Stewart's show as if he's some astute genius.  Hint: he's not.  Stewart doesn't even have the guts to use his real last name.  Right, Mr. Liebowitz?  Meanwhile, the President recently did a radio interview with somebody called DJ Pimp with the Limp.   If that doesn't completely turn your stomach as an American, you are in the wrong country.

12.  Don't Give a Shit About What Your Friends Think:  We enjoy freedom of speech in this country.   That's amazing, given the amount of intolerance that prevails throughout our lives if your political opinions don't coincide with your friends.  Because, after all, they must be right and you must always be wrong.  Right?  I have had people stop reading this blog because I skewered "their guy."  Heck, I am guessing there are some folks who tuned out at the beginning of this piece.  It is astounding how completely intolerant we have become of divergent views, religions, and political stances.  You don't have to look further than your favorite social network to see just how overbearing people can be when they don't necessarily agree with you.  This is the type of trend that has ominous overtones for the future of America.  Thank goodness that Election Day occurs before Thanksgiving.  Can you imagine how many family shootings there would be over the cranberry sauce if it was reversed?  So, in essence, don't be shy about your thoughts.   They're as good as the ones your alleged friend is espousing.  

Well, there you go.  Somehow I doubt it will help.   Sadly, we have to vote for one of these idiots and neither one of them has my vision or your vision in their crosshairs.  But you need to vote and, along with all of the above steps, simply think long and hard about the type of country you want this to be.   And then live with the consequences one way or the other.  Knowing fully well that your vision and my vision are unlikely to happen anyway, thanks to the scumbags in our two political parties.   More commonly known as Democrats and Republicans.

America's final episodes begin on January 20, 2013.

Dinner last night:  Leftover teriyaki turkey meatballs and noodles.