Friday, March 8, 2013

Your Weekend Movie Guide - March 2013

Wow.  What a stellar night in the Bronx.  A special appearance by Troy Donahue and Connie Stevens right across from Alexander's Department Store.  This theater was one which I frequented during my college years right down the road at Fordham University.  By this time, the neighborhood was already getting seedy.  But, at least the movie palace was still there.

No more.  

You know our monthly drill, gang.  I'll comb through the movie pages of the Los Angeles Times and let you know all the seedy stuff you now find inside the theaters.  Even Connie and Troy can't help us now.

Identity Thief:  I am still patiently waiting for Melissa McCarthy's career to be over.

Zero Dark Thirty:  The waterboarding scenes are no worse than anything you saw in a Road Runner cartoon.

Argo:  The best picture of the year, so say Oscar voters.  So says me as well.

A Good Day to Die Hard:  They stopped including Bonnie Bedelia as McClain's wife and that's when the franchise died as far as I'm concerned.

Lincoln:  For those of you who need to take American History during the spring semester.

Escape from Planet Earth:  Don't we all wish?

21 and Over:  One of those raucous college gross out films.  Sounds like anybody who fits the title shouldn't bother.

Life of Pi:  It's been around so long that I have run out of pie jokes.

Side Effects:  Drooping eyelids are expected.

Django Unchained.  It won the Oscar for screenplay.  That's still not enough for me to go.

Jack the Giant Killer:  Another needless remake.  If giants are going to be killed this spring, let's hope they're all in San Francisco.

Silver Linings Playbook:  On second thought, Jennifer Lawrence's Oscar winning performance is a bit overrated.  It's easy to play crazy.

Snitch:  A father goes undercover for the DEA in order to free his son who was imprisoned after being set up in drug deal.  Before you think that sounds like a compelling drama, please note that the star is Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

The Last Exorcism Part 2:  If it's the last, how come there's a sequel?

Stoker:   After India's father dies, her Uncle Charlie, who she never knew existed, comes to live with her and her unstable mother. She comes to suspect this mysterious, charming man has ulterior motives and becomes increasingly infatuated with him.  Before you think that sounds like a compelling drama, please note that the star is Nicole Kidman.

Dark Skies:   As the Barret family's peaceful suburban life is rocked by an escalating series of disturbing events, they come to learn that a terrifying and deadly force is after them.  Yeah, it's called Obamacare.

Amour:  The Oscar winner for foreign film.  Strictly for those who want to do nothing but sob for two hours.

No:  Okay.  If you say so.

A Place at the Table:  A documentary on hunger in America.  An extra large popcorn with butter, please.

Oz The Great and Powerful:  All the backstory on how the Wizard got his name.  Disney shamelessly ripping off the folks at MGM.

Greedy Lying Bastards:  A documentary on the lack of political action regarding climate change.  Now why do I think the title doesn't include anybody from the Democratic party?

Emperor:  Tommy Lee Jones as General Douglas McArthur dealing with the Japanese surrender at the end of WWII.  Okay, so sue me.  This one is interesting to me.

Girl Rising:  A documentary follows nine girls around the globe as they face slavery, arranged marriages, etc..  Nine girls?  Heck, let them simply start their own baseball team.

Dead Man Down:   In New York City, a crime lord's right-hand man is seduced by one of his boss's victims, a woman seeking retribution.  How come you never find these stories set in Ames, Iowa?

War Witch:   Somewhere in Sub-Saharan Africa, Komona, a 14-year-old girl, tells her unborn child growing inside her the story of her life since she has been at war.  A single sentence that is perfectly equipped to keep me away from any theater playing this movie.

The Silence:   13-year-old Sinikka vanishes on a hot summer night. Her bicycle is found in the exact place where a girl was killed 23 years ago. The dramatic present forces those involved in the original case to face their past. 
Sinikka, you should have hooked up with Komona.  There's safety in numbers.

The Monk:  All about a 17th Century monastery.  Kill me now.

Electrick Children:  A film about some teenage Mormons.  Kids who apparently don't run titles through spellcheck.

The Condemned:  Determined to restore her dying father's reputation, Ana travels to the remote town of Rosales. Decades ago, he settled there and opened his first free clinic for cancer research.  I'm sorry.  Was my snoring bothering you?

Beyond the Hills:   The friendship between two young women who grew up in the same orphanage; one has found refuge at a convent in Romania and refuses to leave with her friend, who now lives in Germany.  The Eastern Europe version of the aforementioned Komona and Sinikka.

Don't Stop Believin' - Everyman's Journey:  A documentary on Arnel Pineda, who was plucked from YouTube to become the new singer for the rock & roll band, Journey.  Does anybody except Randy Jackson care?

Les Miserables:  This reminds me.  The Mets's 2013 season starts on April 1.

Phantom:   The haunted Captain of a Soviet submarine holds the fate of the world in his hands. Forced to leave his family behind, he is charged with leading a covert mission cloaked in mystery.  Voyage to the Bottom of Boredom.

The Gatekeepers:   A documentary featuring interviews with all surviving former heads of Shin Bet, the Israeli security agency whose activities and membership are closely held state secrets.  I'll say one thing about Israel.  They know how to protect their country.

Beautiful Creatures:   Ethan longs to escape his small Southern town. He meets a mysterious new girl, Lena. Together, they uncover dark secrets about their respective families, their history and their town.  I prefer Mayberry, thank you very much.

Dinner last night:  Chicken salad.


Anonymous said...

And on the corner was a good little hot dog place, always crowded, where you had to stand and could watch buses arrive and depart. Part of my RKO or Alexander's ritual. The rival hot dog place, Gorman's, was down the hill.

The RKO marquee is shown in "Marty."

chris said...

Emperor is actually the only movie out i WANT to see, but naturally its not playing in this hillbilly state.

Len said...

It's playing all over LA. For once, you and I are in sync on a movie.