Friday, April 12, 2013

Your Weekend Movie Guide for April 2013

What a marvelous photograph of two classic movie palaces in Westwood, California.  A stone's throw from my home.  Miraculously, both theaters are still there and doing business as single screen venues.  Movies the way they ought to be seen.

And, then there's 2013.  Films that should not be seen.  Every weekend, we get a few more vomited out of Hollywood.  Hopefully, I can steer you in the right direction.  You know the drill, folks.  I'll scan the Los Angeles Times movie pages to give you my gut reaction to the garbage that is stinking up the cinema near you.  

As for me, I am headed tomorrow to Disney Studios for a special 50th anniversary screening of "Son of Flubber."

Admission:  Paul Rudd and Tina Fey.  The title won't feature mine.

The Croods:  I saw this last week.  The Flintstones in 3-D.  You need to rent a child in order to see this.

The Company You Keep:  Robert Redford is back behind and in front of the camera.  All about an innocent guy who used to have subversive ties.   Well, sort of innocent.

The Call:  I reviewed this mess yesterday.  Please have yourself check for short term memory loss.

Oz The Great and Powerful:  Unless Judy Garland magically shows up, avoid this Disney rip-off.

Hava Nagila - The Movie:  As opposed to Hava Nagila - The Song.  Or Hava Nagila - The Creamed Herring.

GI Joe - Retaliation:  I had a GI Joe when I was a kid.  This is not reason enough for me to get my ears blown off in a movie theater.

Identity Thief:  I'm collecting thoughts on how our country can get Melissa McCarthy deported permanently.  Send me only your best ideas.

The Host:  It's about vampires.  Just in case you thought this was a documentary about Jack Paar.

Room 237:  A documentary about the Stanley Kubrick movie "The Shining."  How could I see this when I never saw the original?

Evil Dead 3D:  They're remaking movies from the 80s.  Kill me now.

No:  Okay, if you insist.  It's all about some revolt in Chile.  As they do in that country, you could simply wait 24 hours for the next one.

The Brass Teapot:  A teapot with magical powers.  I always had my suspicions about that Earl Grey guy.

42:  A much bally-hooed movie about Jackie Robinson and I'm trying to find what I did with my advance ticket.

Ginger and Rosa:  If Fred's not involved, forget it.

It's a Disaster:  Four couples get together to await the end of the world.  And here I thought it was a documentary about the Federal government.

Scary Movie 5:  Didn't Scary Movie 4 come out last month?

Simon Killer:  A college grad in Paris hooks up with a prostitute.  Don't they all?

Disconnect:  A drama about a bunch of strangers who rely too much on technology.  You could see it on the big screen...or simply wait till Netflix streams it.

No Place on Earth:  Another documentary about a family who escaped the Holocaust during World War II.  I don't know about you, but I've lost count of the number of films about the same subject.

Upstream Color:  A love story about two people who separately survived a kidnapping.  They may have met on

The Angels Share:  A guy in Glascow invents his own malt liquor.  Also available in cans and handy 8 ounce bottles.

Fists of Legend:  Friends compete on an amateur martial arts TV show.  Guess what country this film is from?  Those who answered China now proceed to the next paragraph.

Leonie:  A bipic about famed Leonie Gilmour.  Anyone?

The Place Beyond the Pines:  Ryan Gosling and Bradley Cooper in a tale of desperate people.  Expect lots of violence and body art.

To The Wonder:  Terence Malick's latest film and the very last movie to be reviewed by Roger Ebert.  He gave it 3 and a 1/2 stars.  

Lotus Eaters:  A London model struggles with her drug-addicted boyfriend.  Georgy Girl with a splash of heroin.

From Up on Poppy Hill:  More Japanese animation.  I say....sayonara.

The Sapphires:  An Aborigine singing group goes on tour to entertain American troops.  What?  Joey Heatherton was not available?

Olympus Has Fallen:  An action film where the White House is under attack.  Shown nightly on Fox News and MSNBC.

Jurassic Park 3D:  Because Hollywood tries to wring more money out of us by re-releasing old classic movies with the added 3-D illusion that really doesn't work anyway.  It's your dough, folks.

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone:  It stars Steve Carell and Jim Carrey.  Two excellent reasons to avoid this swill.

Free Angela and All Political Prisoners:  A documentary and you can certainly figure out the subject matter.  Let's not and say we did.

Trance:   An art auctioneer who has become mixed up with a group of criminals partners with a hypnotherapist in order to recover a lost painting.  Directed by Danny Boyle which means you won't be able to understand what most of the characters are saying.

Reality:   From Italy.  Luciano is a charming fishmonger whose unexpected and sudden obsession with being a contestant on a reality show leads him down a rabbit hole of skewed perceptions and paranoia.  "Dancing with the Fishes."

On the Road:  Beatniks and hippies have eye-opening experiences as they travel the country.  Obviously none of them have jobs.

Neighboring Sounds:  A man in Brazil deals with the incessant barking of the dog next door.  If the movie's location is shifted to Korea, the film is over in five minutes.

Starbuck:  A man sells his sperm to 142 different people.  That's an awful lot of Kleenex.

Quartet:  The Maggie Smith film directed by Dustin Hoffman is still around.  Didn't this open way back in 1979?

Spring Breakers:  Four college girls rob a restaurant to go on spring break.  Who drives the getaway car?  Connie Francis?

Tyler Perry's Temptation:  How many more movies must we endure from this moron?  Somebody called him the "Black Woody Allen?"  So should this film be called "An'Knee Hall?"

Snitch:  A father goes undercover for the DEA in order to free his son who was imprisoned after being set up in drug deal.  Starring the unlikely duo of Dwayne 'The Rock" Johnson and Susan Sarandon.  I guess that's still an upgrade from Tim Robbins.

6 Souls:  Julianne Moore as a female forensic psychiatrist who discovers that all of one of her patient's multiple personalities are murder victims.  Wait a week and you'll see the same plot on some CSI show.

Bless Me Ultima:  A drama set in New Mexico during WWII, centered on the relationship between a young man and an elderly medicine woman who helps him contend with the battle between good and evil that rages in his village.   Wake me when the sleep potion wears off.

Dorfman in Love:  Unknowingly trapped in her role as caretaker of her unappreciative family, a young single woman desperately needs to get her own life. When she volunteers to cat sit at her unrequited love's downtown L.A loft, her world, as she knows it, changes forever.  Originally released in 2011.  Never a good sign.

Dinner last night: Steak, fries, and asparagus.

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