Miles and Hours to Go Before We're Home

In "The Martian," Matt Damon is an astronaut mistaken for dead and left behind on the planet Mars by his NASA flight crew.  As the poster says, he wants to get home.

Somewhere around the middle of the interminable movie, I had the same goal.   I desperately wanted to go home.

Okay, that's not to say that there isn't a bunch to like about "The Martian."  But, once again, a good story is upended by a Hollywood director's inability to edit his film.  With all the great technology on showcase in this movie, you would think somebody could have figured out how to bring the run time under an hour and forty-five minutes.   Which would have equaled a good two-part episode of "Lost in Space," which is essentially what "The Martian" is.  Sadly without Angela Cartwright.

And here's another major problem with this story that is nothing more than ET in reverse.  Even the deaf, dumb, and blind know how this film will resolve itself by the end of the first reel.   I mean, you didn't just hire Jessica Chastain to play the commander of the flight crew just so she could disappear after the first twenty minutes.  Duh.

So while we wait for the inevitable and oh so predictable ending, we sit through two hours worth of filling.  In a movie about the lead character, you don't see enough of him.   What's his back story?  Is there a wife at home?  Kids?  You learn nothing about your lead character for at least the first 90 minutes.   

Okay, so you do learn that Damon is conveniently a botanist so he knows how to grow potatoes on the barren Mars, rendering about fifteen minutes of running time to an old episode of "Mr. Wizard."  His soundtrack is music left behind by one of the other astronauts and it's all disco music.   Oddly, these tunes play throughout the movie and you suddenly think you're at a retrospective screening of "Boogie Nights."

Meanwhile, we are also treated to the hand wringing scenes of NASA officials as they struggle to figure out how to get Damon back from Mars.   Frankly, I kind of liked the idea that Matt, with his ultra goofy political views, should be left there on the Red Planet, but that's just me.   The NASA segments are dull and led by the continually overrated Jeff Daniels as the organization's leader.  

Indeed, when you're thinking about a space mission rescue movie, Ron Howard's "Apollo 13" is vastly better because he knows how to shave excess from his story.   And, of course, the tale in "Apollo 13" was real and organic as opposed to the gobbledygook of "The Martian," directed with an incredibly heavy hand by Ridley Scott.

When the movie finally wraps, there's at least ten minutes of credits.   Now, as I sat and watched the film, I thought the scenes on Mars looked just like the locations that the legendary John Ford used for "The Searchers."   But, I am told that it was Jordan.  Okay, so that explains why all of the end credit names are not American.   Obviously, Hungary had a big piece of this film with lots of folks named "Gabor" and "Szabo."  Uh huh.   Then, the filmmakers have the audacity to tell us that there were over 15,000 jobs as a result of the making of "The Martian."  

How freakin' hypocritical is that??  Ultra-liberal Hollywood, with their focus on expanding the economy for the common man, does a complete 180 if they can make their movies cheaper on foreign soil.   For that indiscretion alone, "The Martian" loses a half-star in my book.  They should have quit while they were still ahead.

LEN'S RATING:  Two-and-a-half stars.

Dinner last night:  Teriyaki noodles.