I Wasn't Supposed to See This

I really wasn't.   I've detested the notion of yet another reboot of this story on the big screen.   And when I heard it was going to star Lady Gag Gag and be directed by Bradley Cooper, I literally threw up in my mouth a little.

Okay, right from the get-go, I am going to be biased.   The 1954 iteration of "A Star Is Born" with Judy Garland and James Mason is one of my favorite films to watch over and over.   It is perfect in every way and I have many childhood memories of watching it on TV with my mom.   Hollywood knows a good story when it copies one and has remade it several times.   The latest comes with this version with the aforementioned Gag Gag and Cooper.   There was no way I wasn't going to let this debase my memory of the Judy edition.

But then I started to read rave reviews in both the press and from a few trusted friends.   If I managed to keep my past memories at bay, I might enjoy this one.  Hmmm.   Well, at the very least, I might get a funny blog review out of it.   Like a fly to garbage, I was attracted.   

First off, to compare the 2018 film with the one from 1954 is essentially the Biblical difference of heaven and hell.  The new "A Star Is Born" is a preposterous mess and is pointless from frame one to frame whatever two hours and fifteen minutes later.   Even at that running time, the movie feels like you've lost at least eight days out of your life.

Where do I start?   Well, let's begin with Lady Gag Gag.   She can sing.   Point taken.  But she also can't act and that is required with the complex and classic tale of a talented girl who shoots to stardom via the coattails of her downtrodden alcoholic boyfriend.  Whenever she isn't singing, the words coming out of her mouth have a flatness that is coma-inducing.   

Having not been a big devotee of Lady Gag Gag, I'm pretty unfamiliar with her.  That said, I was struck by just how homely she is.  In the film, they make a lot of comments about her ugly nose.   Well, art imitates life.   She and her nose are largely unattractive.  When her character of Ally dyes her hair red and then starts to talk, she comes off as a cross between Lucy Ricardo and Laverne DeFazio.  At the outset of the film, Ally is discovered singing in a bar full of drag queens.   Indeed, the men dressed as women are better looking than Gag Gag singing as a woman.  I'll also note that her opening number is inexplicably "La Vie En Rose" and I will ask if the song's originator, the tragic Edith Piaf, didn't suffer enough in life.

Of course, with Gag Gag in the cast, you're expecting lots of music here.   Most of it is atrocious and the only really recognizable ditty occurs when Ally absentmindedly starts to hum Judy's "Over the Rainbow" while walking up a garage driveway.  After that, it's nothing but head banging noises or depressive  ballads that sound like a cat in heat on the back fence.

Am I getting through to you yet?

As bad as the female lead is, the real villain of this production is actor/director/complete hack Bradley Cooper.  May I ask who was the studio head who gave him the green light to develop this normally wonderful tale into an utter vanity project that defies logic?  From what goes up on the screen here, Cooper demonstrates that he couldn't direct traffic in the Sahara Desert at midnight.  Scenes run too long.  Conversations make little sense.   The sound track is overwrought when it needs to be quiet.   If there is a directorial mistake to be made, you can trust Cooper to execute that on cue.  

If Cooper's ineptitude isn't affirmed for you immediately, just watch how he botches the ending of the tale.   It's classic and well known.   But, somehow, Bradley somehow gums that up and makes it all about the broken-down singer as opposed to the star he has discovered.   Watch how it is edited.   You will see what I mean.

Additionally, the language Cooper invokes in this version is straight from the docks when the sailors come for shore leave.   A dollar please for every F-bomb and I can pay off my credit card bill.   What precisely does this add to the story?  And, let's face it, I can't possibly imagine the 1954 film and Judy singing "The Fucking Man That Got Away."

Anything positive here?   Well, I guess I have to give props to the make-up folks on staff.   I mean, Lady Gag Gag is normally covered in tattoos and ink.   In the frequent nude scenes, you see none of them.   Major kudos to the artists who needed to cover her up every single day of production.

I have heard people already talking of multi-Oscar nominations for this sewer back-up and I guess we should not be surprised based on what we saw the last couple of years with the Academy.   There was applause in my theater when "A Star Is Born" ended.   I confess to joining in...for very different reasons.   I went straight home and stared at my Blu Ray of the 1954 film.  They can't take those memories away from me.   As for the 2018 "A Star Is Born," I only wish they're able to abort future screenings.   At least until the Supreme Court overturns Roe V. Wade.

LEN'S RATING:  One-half star.

Dinner last night:  Bratwurst and cucumber salad.