539 BC: CYRUS THE GREAT MARCHES INTO THE CITY OF BABYLON, RELEASING THE JEWS FROM ALMOST 70 YEARS OF EXILE.
Babylon? I thought all the Jews on Long Island were in Massapequa.
456: THE BATTLE OF PLACENTIA BEGINS.
Hmmm, birth joke, birth joke. Oh. Plancentia. Never mind.
1091: A TORNADO THOUGHT TO BE OF STRENGTH T8/F4 STRIKES THE HEART OF LONDON.
Can't blame Nazi planes on this one.
1346: KING DAVID II OF SCOTLAND IS CAPTURED BY EDWARD III OF ENGLAND AND IMPRISONED IN THE TOWER OF LONDON FOR ELEVEN YEARS.
That's an awful lot of bread and water.
1456: THE UNIVERSITY OF GREIFSWALD IS ESTABLISHED, MAKING IT THE SECOND OLDEST UNIVERSITY IN NORTHERN EUROPE.
That would be one very hard to pronounce school cheer.
1604: GERMAN ASTRONOMER JOHANNES KEPLER OBSERVES A SUPERNOVA IN THE CONSTELLATION OPHIUCHUS.
Good thing there's no University of Ophiuchus.
1662: CHARLES II OF ENGLAND SELLS DUNKIRK TO FRANCE FOR 40,000 POUNDS.
40,000 pounds. Or one Roseanne Barr.
1771: PREMIERE IN MILAN OF THE OPERA "ASCANIO IN ALBA," COMPOSED BY A 15-YEAR-OLD WOLFGANG MOZART.
15? He had nothing else to do in school. Doesn't say much about the girls in his class.
1814: THE LONDON BEER FLOOD OCCURS IN LONDON, KILLING NINE.
And creating thousands of drunks.
1886: ACTRESS SPRING BYINGTON IS BORN.
December Bride is an October Baby.
1888: THOMAS EDISON FILES A PATENT FOR THE OPTICAL PHONOGRAPH (THE FIRST MOVIE).
Without a single shot of CGI.
1900: ACTRESS JEAN ARTHUR IS BORN.
One of the first comedic actresses to come out of Hollywood.
1902: ACTRESS IRENE RYAN IS BORN.
Jed!
1912: POPE JOHN PAUL I IS BORN.
He wasn't a Pope. He was a mini-series.
1918: ACTRESS RITA HAYWORTH IS BORN.
Va-va-va-voom.
1920: ACTOR MONTGOMERY CLIFT IS BORN.
Whatever you do, don't take Coldwater Canyon.
1921: ACTOR TOM POSTON IS BORN.
He was married to Suzanne Pleshette at the end, so a cap tip to Mr. Poston.
1926: ACTRESS BEVERLY GARLAND IS BORN.
She had hundreds of acting roles but she is best remembered for owning a legendary "no tell" motel in Hollywood.
1931: AL CAPONE CONVICTED OF INCOME TAX EVASION.
Which qualifies him to having a major role in any Presidential cabinet.
1933: ALBERT EINSTEIN FLEES NAZI GERMANY AND MOVES TO THE UNITED STATES.
Smart move. But, then again, he is Albert Einstein.
1941: FOR THE FIRST TIME IN WWII, A GERMAN SUBMARINE ATTACKS AN AMERICAN SHIP.
Das boot? No, das ist a shoe.
1941: GERMAN TROOPS EXECUTE THE MALE POPULATION OF A VILLAGE IN GREECE.
That would be the only way I could get a date in college.
1947: ACTOR MICHAEL MCKEAN IS BORN.
Hello there, Laverne and Shirley.
1956: THE FIRST COMMERCIAL NUCLEAR POWER STATION IS OFFICIALLY OPENED BY QUEEN ELIZABETH II IN ENGLAND.
Cutting the ribbon with one hand and holding her pocketbook with the other.
1965: THE 1964-65 NEW YORK WORLD'S FAIR CLOSES AFTER A TWO YEAR RUN.
And some of the exhibits are still rusting over there in Flushing Meadow Park.
1966: A FIRE AT A NEW YORK BUILDING KILLS 12 FIREFIGHTERS, THE NY FIRE DEPARTMENT'S DEADLIEST DAY.
Until September 11, 2001.
1979: MOTHER TERESA AWARDED THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE.
And, in the same year, she made Mr. Blackwell's worst dressed list.
1989: THE SAN FRANCISCO BAY AREA SUFFERS A 7.1 EARTHQUAKE AT THE START OF WORLD SERIES GAME 3.
Tim McCarver probably never wore that underwear again.
1991: TENNESSEE ERNIE FORD DIES.
I never got this guy's act.
2007: COMEDIAN JOEY BISHOP DIES.
Son of a gun.
2007: SINGER TERESA BREWER DIES.
She ran out of nickels for that nickelodeon.
2008: SINGER LEVI STUBBS DIES.
Now it's the Three Tops.
2009: COMPOSER VIC MIZZY DIES.
Now he'll see those Green Acres from the bottom up.
Dinner last night: Sandwich.
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