52 BC: VERCINGETORIX, LEADER OF THE GAULS, SURRENDERS TO THE ROMANS UNDER JULIUS CAESAR.
Okay, I suppose you don't really care about this. Unless you're a Gaul.
42 BC: MARK ANTONY AND OCTAVIAN FIGHT A DECISIVE BATTLE WITH CAESAR'S ASSASSINS BRUTUS AND CASSIUS.
So, there are no conspiracy theories about a lone knifeman?
382: EMPEROR THEODOSIUS CONCLUDES A PEACE TREATY WITH THE GOTHS.
Okay, I supposed you don't really care about this either. Unless you're a Goth.
1226: SAINT FRANCIS OF ASSISI DIES.
Saint Francis is a what?
1574: THE SIEGE OF LEIDEN IS LIFTED BY THE WATERGEUZEN.
Stay with me. It gets better. I'm the author, so I know what's coming.
1712: THE DUKE OF MONTROSE ISSUES A WARRANT FOR THE ARREST OF ROB ROY MACGREGOR.
Trust me. It will get more interesting.
1789: GEORGE WASHINGTON MAKES THE FIRST NATIONAL THANKSGIVING DAY DESIGNATED BY THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.
Ocean Spray stock up 4 points.
1849: AUTHOR EDGAR ALLEN POE IS FOUND DELIRIOUS IN A BALTIMORE GUTTER.
Weren't we all?
1863: THE LAST THURSDAY IN NOVEMBER IS DECLARED AS THANKSGIVING DAY BY PRESIDENT LINCOLN.
So, these Presidents loved to fuss around with this holiday. Didn't FDR also schedule two of them a year for a bit?
1867: INVENTOR ELIAS HOWE DIES.
How? He stopped breathing.
1872: BLOOMINGDALES OPENS ITS FIRST STORE AT 938 THIRD AVENUE, NEW YORK.
Just in time for the Thanksgiving weekend sale, assuming some President moved the holiday to the first week in October.
1873: CAPTAIN JACK IS HANGED DURING THE MODOC WAR.
Captain Jack? Isn't he the masturbating guy Billy Joel used to sing about?
1879: ACTOR WARNER OLAND IS BORN.
The first and best Charlie Chan.
1908: THE PRAVDA NEWSPAPER IS FOUNDED BY LEON TROTSKY AND OTHER RUSSIAN EXILES IN VIENNA.
But no funny pages, damnit.
1919: CINCINNATI REDS PITCHER ADOLFO LUQUE BECOMES THE FIRST LATIN PLAYER TO APPEAR IN A WORLD SERIES.
That happened a lot sooner than I would have thought. Even the author learns a lot here.
1925: AUTHOR GORE VIDAL IS BORN.
And died in 2012. Shit happens.
1941: SINGER CHUBBY CHECKER IS BORN.
Let's twist again like we did last summer...58 years ago.
1949: WERD, THE FIRST BLACK OWNER RADIO IN THE US, OPENS IN ATLANTA, GEORGIA.
If it was a talk format, I'm not surprised they fucked up those call letters.
1951: THE INFAMOUS "SHOT HEARD ROUND THE WORLD"---GIANTS SLUGGER BOBBY THOMSON'S FAMOUS PENNANT-WINNING HOMERUN OFF THE BROOKLYN DODGERS' RALPH BRANCA.
"The Giants win the pennant. The Giants win the pennant. The Giants win the pennant!" Yeah, I heard you the first time, stupid.
1954: AL SHARPTON IS BORN.
You'll notice I couldn't apply any kind of description to his name. Because the guy is a nothing. Except, of course, I could have written "ASSHOLE AL SHARPTON IS BORN."
1955: THE MICKEY MOUSE CLUB DEBUTS ON ABC.
Donald Duck!
1961: THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW PREMIERES ON CBS.
Watch out for that ottoman, Rob. Er, never mind...
1962: DURING PROJECT MERCURY, SIGMA 7 IS LAUNCHED FROM CAPE CANAVERAL WITH ASTRONAUT WALLY SCHIRRA ABOARD FOR A SIX ORBIT FLIGHT.
After two orbits around the Earth, I think I would be bored.
1964: THE FIRST BUFFALO WINGS ARE MADE BY THE ANCHOR BAR IN BUFFALO, NEW YORK.
So, if they were made elsewhere, we might have had the "New Rochelle Wings?"
1967: MUSICIAN WOODY GUTHRIE DIES.
This land is your land and now you're six feet under it.
1986: BASEBALL PLAYER VINCE DIMAGGIO DIES.
Where have you gone...er, never mind.
1990: THE RE-UNIFICATION OF GERMANY BEGINS.
Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that...er, never mind.
1995: OJ SIMPSON IS ACQUITTED OF THE MURDERS OF NICOLE BROWN SIMPSON AND RONALD GOLDMAN.
If you acquit, your jury's worth shit.
1998: ACTOR RODDY MCDOWELL DIES.
Lassie went home.
2002: TV PRODUCER BRUCE PALTROW DIES.
Creator of St. Elsewhere. A genius!
2003: ACTRESS FLORENCE STANLEY DIES.
She was Abe Vigoda's wife on Fish. I met her once in a workshop. Nice lady.
2003: ROY HORN OF SIEGFRIED AND ROY IS ATTACKED BY ONE OF THE SHOW'S TIGERS, CANCELLING THEIR SHOWS UNTIL 2009. WHEN THEY REJOINED THE MAULING TIGER.
Like the tiger remembers?
2004: ACTRESS JANET LEIGH DIES.
I met her at a screening of "The Manchurian Candidate" a year earlier. It was all downhill for her after that.
Dinner last night: Leftover baby back ribs.
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