361: JULIAN THE APOSTATE ENTERS CONSTANTINOPLE AS SOLE EMPEROR OF THE ROMAN EMPIRE.
As opposed to Gland the Aprostate.
630: MUHAMMAD LEADS AN ARMY OF 10,000 TO CONQUER MECCA.
That's more people than go to the average New York Met game.
1282: LLYWELYN THE LAST, THE LAST NATIVE PRINCE OF WALES, IS KILLED IN BATTLE.
Pronunciation check on that name. Anybody??
1688: JAMES II OF ENGLAND ABDICATED THE THRONE BY THROWING THE GREAT SEAL OF THE REALM INTO THE RIVER THAMES.
But can't great seals swim?
1792: DURING THE FRENCH REVOLUTION, KING LOUIS XVI OF FRANCE IS PUT ON TRIAL FOR TREASON BY THE NATIONAL CONVENTION.
There goes his chance at having his own line of furniture.
1815: THE US SENATE CREATES A SELECT COMMITTEE ON FINANCE AND A UNIFORM NATIONAL CURRENCY.
Back when the country actually had money.
1816: INDIANA BECOMES THE 19TH US STATE.
Because we needed some place to put all the boring people.
1882: NY MAYOR FIORELLO LA GUARDIA IS BORN.
"And then Lil' Abner says to Mammy Yokum..."
1889: FARMER WALTER KNOTT IS BORN.
And with that one berry he starts a farm...and an amusement park.
1896: ALFRED JARRY'S UBU ROI PREMIERES IN PARIS AND A RIOT IMMEDIATELY ENSUES.
Must be the announcement of an understudy.
1907: THE NEW ZEALAND PARLIAMENT BUILDINGS ARE ALMOST COMPLETELY DESTROYED BY FIRE.
You're in good hands with New Zealand Allstate.
1912: FILM PRODUCER CARLO PONTI IS BORN.
Married Sophia Loren. No dummy was he.
1917: BRITISH GENERAL EDMUND ALLENBY ENTERS JERUSALEM ON FOOT AND DECLARES MARTIAL LAW.
Shame on you. That's where Jesus once walked.
1925: ROMAN CATHOLIC PAPAL ENCYCLICAL QUAS PRIMAS INTRODUCES THE FEAST OF CHRIST THE KING.
I knew his brother Louie.
1931: ACTRESS RITA MORENO IS BORN.
She wants to live in America. She wants to live in America.
1934: BILL WILSON, CO-FOUNDER OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, TAKES HIS LAST DRINK.
Hello, Bill.
1936: EDWARD VIII'S ABDICATION AS KING OF THE UNITED KINGDOM BECOMES EFFECTIVE.
Hope she's worth it.
1940: SINGER DAVID GATES IS BORN.
He''ll make lots and lots of Bread.
1941: GERMANY AND ITALY DECLARE WAR ON THE UNITED STATES, FOLLOWING THE US DECLARATION OF WAR ON JAPAN.
Nazi see, Nazi do.
1941: POLAND DECLARES WAR ON JAPAN.
Okay, now we'll really have some fun.
1942: ACTRESS DONNA MILLS IS BORN.
Of all the Knots ladies, she might be the least Botox-ed.
1943: POLITICIAN JOHN KERRY IS BORN.
The country's average IQ drops by ten points.
1944: ACTRESS LYNDA DAY GEORGE IS BORN.
I checked out a recent photo. Um, no.
1946: THE UNITED NATIONS INTERNATIONAL CHILDREN'S EMERGENCY FUND OR UNICEF IS ESTABLISHED.
None of this trick or treat bullshit. Give me the damn candy.
1960: FRENCH FORCES CRACK DOWN IN A CLASH WITH PROTESTORS IN FRENCH ALGERIA DURING A VISIT BY FRENCH PRESIDENT CHARLES DE GAULLE.
Je ne care pas.
1962: ARTHUR LUCAS, CONVICTED OF MURDER, IS THE LAST PERSON TO BE EXECUTED IN CANADA.
Unless you count a few Boston Bruin defensemen.
1964: SINGER SAM COOKE DIES.
Shot in a Los Angeles motel, where he was apparently twistin' the night away.
1964: CHE GUEVARA SPEAKS AT THE UNITED NATIONS.
Prior to his appearance on Broadway in Evita.
1964: ACTOR PERCY KILBRIDE DIES.
Pa Kettle!!!
1972: APOLLO 17 BECOMES THE SIXTH AND LAST APOLLO MISSION TO LAND ON THE MOON.
Good thing. The moon's running out of rocks.
1991: TV PERSONALITY ROBERT Q. LEWIS DIES.
One of those people who was on television constantly in the 50s and 60s with no real discernible talent.
1994: A BOMB EXPLODES ON PHILIPPINE AIRLINES FLIGHT 434, BUT THE CAPTAIN IS ABLE TO SAFELY LAND THE PLANE.
Wasn't this a movie with Charlton Heston and Karen Black?
1998: THAI AIRWAYS FLIGHT 261 CRASHES, KILLING 101.
Definitely not a movie with Charlton Heston and Karen Black.
2007: TWO CAR BOMBS EXPLODE IN ALGERIA.
Years after that French nonsense, this place still ain't safe.
2008: BERNIE MADOFF IS ARRESTED AND CHARGED WITH SECURITIES FRAUD.
How much did he mad off with?
2012: INDIAN MUSICIAN RAVI SHANKAR DIES.
You know this guy probably smelled pretty bad.
2017: A BOMB IS DETONATED IN NEW YORK'S TIMES SQUARE SUBWAY STATION.
Meanwhile, bombs go off on the nearby Broadway stage every night.
Dinner last night: Caesar salad.
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