Wednesday, May 16, 2007

All The News from Coast to Coast

Two time zones, double the sarcasm.

---Nothing makes me feel more like I am back in New York City than driving out of Newark Airport and hearing Fatso and Fruit Loops on WFAN. Lots of fun all the way up the turnpike as Chris Russo ripped Yankee Bobby Abreu a new one.

---I love seeing businessmen flying with their own personal pillows.

---What, no blankie?

---And then there was this Asian couple wandering around the American Airlines terminal in LAX. They got on the line in front of me for Platinum check-in. Of course, they were not Platinum, but the clerk processed them anyway. Then, going up to the security check, they were in front of me again on the First Class/Platinum line. This time, they got the heave-ho. All the while, they were pretending to have language issues. It would be my luck that these two jokers were on my flight as well. And, of course, they tried to board with the First Class passengers, and were, once again, kicked to the curb.

---They pretend they don't speak English. You know they do. They're like the Japanese players in the MLB who run around with interpreters just so they can avoid talking to reporters.

---I'll say this about Guiliani. At least, he shows some guts going against (sort of)the Republican party line with his modified pro-choice stance.

---Of course, on the flip side, Pope Eggs Benedict is running around Brazil talking about pro-choice people self excommunicating themselves for their views.

---I'm just happy he finally found Rome Airport and got around to a little international outreach. It was starting to look like he was in the job only for the rings.

---I love the billboard I saw on the way to LAX Monday morning. It was touting Oprah's episode that day. "Oprah and Gayle's Big Spa Adventure."

---Yeah, right. Hey, Ops, isn't it about time?

---Is she afraid that this news will prompt her lemmings across the country to desert her? Look, they do everything she tells them to do. Make it an extension of the Oprah Book Club. They will completely follow suit.

---That could be hilarious. A groundswell of lesbianism in trailer parks across the country.

---I can hear a typical hayseed husband now. "Yall are now called a what???"


---Flight attendants (and it's sad that I now know some of them by first name) have told me that Oprah, when she was flying commercial, was universally regarded as the worst passenger to provide service to. Totally abusive and condescending.


---But only if the flight attendant was white.

---Of course, it was well known that she would call ahead and make sure the flight attendant servicing her was an African-American.

---Bring back Phil Donahue please. Where the studio audience didn't sound like a bunch of crazed shoppers at a Mervyn's "doorbuster" sale.

---Oprah gave the commencement address the other day at Howard University. She told the assembled that her grandmother's dying wish in 1963 was for Oprah to work for "some good white folks." Oprah winked at the irony. She replied that today she has plenty of "good white folks" working for her.

---This woman continues to get a pass from us for her systematic dumbing down of America. And we allow it. Just because, from time to time, she spouts off some Maya Angelou limerick.

---At Dodger Stadium on Sunday, I got to watch the Reds' Ken Griffey hit his 570th career homerun. It reminded me with sadness that this is the guy who should be tapping on Mr. Aaron's shoulder, not that chemical-enhanced Bluto. And Griffey's done it largely on skill. And legally. Had it not been for injuries, he would have sailed to the record. But, that's what happens when even dried cuticles can land you on the 60 day disabled list.

---When Bonds gets the record breaker, Emperor Bud Selig needs to treat it as if it's a salad bar in a leper colony. Stay away. Far, far, far away.

---I also got to see Red reliever Todd Coffey's act. When summoned from the bullpen, he runs in like a greyhound. I appreciate the efforts to speed up a game, but you looked like an idiot, Todd. Do you want to call that much attention to yourself?

---I'm still a little verklempt over the Sopranos episode on Sunday. You knew Christopher was going to go before the end. But, from an excessive nose bleed?

---I thought the episode was a little too self-indulgent and pretensious. Tony's in Vegas. He's in the desert watching the sun rise. Asbestos is being dumped into water. Yawn, yawn. With only three shows left, David Chase needs to leave this kind of stuff in an unnamed folder on Final Draft.


---You do know that Chase is a little deranged? He would have to be in order to write this type of show.

---We're not talking about a grounded showrunner like Raymond creator Phil Rosenthal, who went home at five every day to help his kids with their homework.

---As for me, I am hoping that, at some point in the closing three episodes, Edie Falco has one of her scenery chewing performances. She and Bracco make the show for me.

---Hey, Jerry Falwell, is it hot enough for you? This is the guy who invented the Red States.

---"The King of Queens" had its series finale the other night. A show of hands, please, from all those who were riveted to their TVs.

---I see none.

---NBC is what, the number eighth ranked network these days? So, they announce their 2007-08 primetime lineup and they have renewed mostly everything. Another year of Law and Order: The Eisenhower Years? For Pete's sake, I was half-expecting to hear that "Joey" was coming back as well.

---With all the junk they renewed, NBC obviously had a horrible development season. Whoops. Let's face it, they are scheduling two hours of reruns on a Saturday night.

---Did you ever wonder about those people who write headlines for newspapers? Are they trying to be inappropriate and get on Leno? Or, are they just happy funny accidents? Like this wonderful headline I saw in the LA Times sports pages about two weeks ago.

---"Royals to Get Taste of Angels' Colon."

Dinner last night: leftover meat loaf sandwich.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Oprah: ugh!

And to think Her Majesty loves her.