Other Women I Have Not Known and Loved

The whole Valerie Bertinelli book signing story aroused a bunch of other memories for me. As it turns out, she was not the only celebrity I had a crush on as I was allegedly growing up. There are a few more women/girls that melted my butter on the small screen.

Angela Cartwright: I didn't give her a second look from those Danny Thomas reruns when she played this annoying imp you wanted to push down an elevator shaft. But, then she hit puberty while apparently "lost in space" and, frankly, there was no gravity pull on some of her anatomical regions. She got pretty hot in her teenage years, despite the fact that she wore a ski parka that was made out of my grandmother's living room drapes. Unfortunately, she didn't have a long shelf life in my hormonal supermarket. Because, around the same time, she was modeling a one piece jump suit that was ideal for intergalactic exploration, I had already turned my attention to an older woman.

Barbara Feldon: She constituted sexy in my limited grade school world. While I thought she was incredibly cool, I probably had some deep-seeded arguments with myself. Did I want her as a girlfriend? Or a mother? Girlfriend, mother. Girlfriend, mother. But, then again, even at that early age, I should have probably reasoned that my mother never laid down on a tiger skin rug and purred at the camera the way Barbara Feldon did on those TV commercials. And I defy any of my friends to tell me that their mothers were able to do the same. Indeed, as I write this, I realize that this entire episode is my earliest ever example of "too much information."

Karen Valentine: Oh, where have you gone? She was absolutely precious on "Room 222" and "The Hollywood Squares." She has gone the way of Cocoa Marsh and Remco Toys. Allegedly, she does a lot of regional theater and now lives in Connecticut, but I've never equated that state with oblivion. I actually got to do a phone interview with her while I was in college and I had to muster all my journalistic integrity to stop from asking her out right then and there. Also, her then-husband coming home was another buzz kill.

Bess Armstrong: This actress from the 80s never really had a huge career. Limited TV and film roles. Now, she shows up every so or often in a guest spot as somebody's parent on a Lifetime movie. But, if you want to really understand what I am talking about with regard to Bess, go check out the movie "The Four Seasons." Focus on the segment where they are on the yacht in the Caribbean. If you're a woman, ignore everything I just wrote. Or maybe not.

Linda Kelsey: A terrific actress from the Lou Grant TV show which is still being TiVoed on my set 25 years after it went off the air. While Linda is certainly quite cute, she was my first Hollywood crush that was not completely based on looks. Part of the magic for me was the character she played on the show. A self-assured, talented, hard-working news reporter. I was coming to grips that there was much more to the male-female relationship than physical attraction. I was becoming sensitive to the notion that women could be more than just sex objects. Of course, none of this made a shitload of difference in my personal life. Linda moved to Minnesota a while ago, and it's probably the only positive thing now in that state.

For whatever it was worth then or is worth now, I loved all these women.

And I still hate their husbands.

Dinner last night: Pasta with broccoli rabe, sausage, and garlic at Gianna's in Yonkers.