Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Evolution of an Office Christmas Party

Office holiday parties have become the event from Hell. But, these days, the hard part might be getting to agree on what the party is. The following gag has made the internet rounds lately. It's designed for laughs. But, most of it might be sadly true.

From: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

Date: October 1, 2009

Re: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols, so feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa. A Christmas tree will be lit at 1PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family



From: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

Date: October 2, 2009

Re: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, although, unfortunately, not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family.



From: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

Date: October 3, 2009

Re: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only," you would no longer be anonymous. How am I supposed to handle this?


And, sorry, but please forget about the gift exchange. No gifts are allowed, since union members feel that $10 is too much money and the executives believe $10 is a little chintzy.


Patty Lewis


From: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

Date: October 4, 2009

Re: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or maybe package everything for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet. Pregnant women will get the table closest to the bathroom.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men. Each group will have its own table. And, yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person who inquired about crossdressing, the Grill House asks that this not be allowed, because of potential restroom confusion. Sorry.

Booster seats will be provided for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?



From: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All F#%^ing Employees

Date: October 5, 2009

Re: Friggin' Holiday Party

Okay, I've had it with all you vegetarian rat bastards! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not. You all can sit your asses down at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your goddamn salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you shitheads can kiss my ass in Macy's window. I hope your holidays suck a big one.

Drive drunk and die!

The Bitch from Hell


From: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

Date: October 6, 2009

Re: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery. I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party. Everyone can take the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!



Dinner last night: Turkey burger at the Cheesecake Factory.


Djinn from the Bronx said...

When I got this internet office party snapshot, I laughed hard because I have heard some of the comments reflected in the employee complaints. I and others have been known to bring (used to) donuts to a meeting and then we'd be asked why there was no fruit. We used to have a white elephant gift exchange but people got upset if they actually got. . .a white elephant gift. So now we are at the 10 dollar gifts but some people buy more expensive and that causes problems. We have, and it's out now, a Jerry Steinfield Festivus tree in our hallways, the tree being a broom. And we have a recogition event that ooh, coincides with the Christmas season. And this week, no one is in the office because of this thing we still celebrate, but it shall not be named. Amazing how people still expect the time off not to celebrate the thing no one is allowed to celebrate.

Anonymous said...

Hey, it's America and we celebrate Christmas. Tough shit if you don't.

There would be lawsuits and riots if anyone tried to suppress observinf Ramadan or Kwanzaa celebrations.

It's Christmas, Christmas, Christmas!!!