Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Remember, Wednesday is Sunday at....

But Wednesday is always nasty at Len Speaks.

---Tuesday was spent cooped up with a lot of sick people in a limited space.

---A small hospital? Nope, American Airlines Flight 118 out of LAX.

---This many sick people haven't been in the air since the Cambodian airlifts.

---Instead of earphones, they should have given out complimentary Kleenex.

---Or at least "tissue for purchase."

---Beyond the germs, there was another prevailing quality of the folks around me.


---The Black chick behind me wanted to stop us from taking off because she discovered she left her laptop at Security.

---If you can't remember to pick up big articles, how many times are you losing your keys???

---Then, Miss Thing decided to re-shuffle the bags in the overhead so she could be close to her undies.

---She proceeded to move my laptop case four seats away.

---Which I promptly moved back while she was getting her much-needed beauty rest.

---And that's because I didn't leave my laptop back at Security.

---It's amazing how empowered somebody feels just because she's got an apostrophe in the middle of her first name.

---The guy across from me got annoyed at all the circular ads in his newspaper so he decided to throw them in the aisle.

---Perhaps his housekeeper is working this plane as well.

---Americans are nothing but entitled assholes who think every public spot is an extension of their living rooms.

---Which must all look like Nagasaki after the blast.

---Speaking of flying, how many limos and private planes were needed to fly all those global warming hysterics to Copenhagen for that conference?

---That's like all those moronic, tree-hugging celebrities who shame us all ecologically and then insist on corporate jets to get them to the studio.

---Also, from the Double Standard Department: Oprah one day shows off her new Jimmy Choo shoes to the dumbbells in her audience. "Everybody has to have a pair."

---The next day, Oprah has a more serious show. Why are we all in such horrible credit card debt???

---Because you told them they needed a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes to survive.

---And don't buy all that hokum about the African Queen tearfully ending her talk show because "it's time."

---Bollocks. That show will come back on her new network, because the only way that thing gets off the ground is with her hosting a program on it.

---The woman is an absolute genius. She has totally clued into the fact that her audience is a bunch of dopes.

---Fatso is also hosting a holiday special next weekend. "Christmas with the Obamas."

---Now I miss Bing and the kids even more.

---Something tells me they won't be singing "White Christmas."

---Most used word in the Tiger Woods household last week? "Ooops."

---From all the chicks coming out of the woodwork, it looks like Tiger did a hole in nine. Or ten.

---I have become the victim of supermarket profiling. You know how their computers remember your bonus card and then decide the types of products you usually buy. Then, the register gives you coupons for those items.

---Well, the Ralph's Supermarket in Westwood keeps giving me coupons for Poli-grip.

---Just because, once a year, I buy Efferdent to clean my night guard.

---Discrimination!! Is this worth litigating?

---I'd bet I could win, too. If I had an apostrophe in my first name.


---This morning, I walked by the Radio City Music Hall all decked out for Christmas. Wanna know what the movie is for the holiday season?

---Nothing Starring Nobody.

As I close this up, the body aches have started. Thank you, AA Flight 118 and its resident ratbastards.

Dinner last night: Roast beef sandwich and salad.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Speaking of Nagasaki...

My December 7th was spent sitting next to two Japanese grandmothers on a flight from Chicago to LA. They yakked in Japanese for every mile. Thought about thanking them for Pearl Harbor but ate my sandwich instead.