Downhill Wednesday

I'm going for the world record in nastiness.

---Don't ask me who the guy is in the picture? All I know is that he's an Olympic athlete.

---I might know his name if I had the slightest interest in the Winter Olympics.

---I don't.

---I will go through the next two weeks not watching a single second.

---After all, the good stuff happened at the start.

---How many times can you watch some guy on a luge break his neck?

---Well, according to NBC, lots. I heard they reran the footage so much that they must have thought it was one of those "Law And Order" shows.

---Can you imagine some kid watching that with his family?

---"Little Timmy, when you grow up, do you want to be in the Olympics?"

---"Hell, no."

---Okay, now, I'm going to resort to a joke that has been overused the past few days.

---That poor kid was the biggest luger.

---We now return our blog to more original programming.

---Since luge racing is all about the weight, why are we bothering to use humans? Just load it up with a ten pound sack of potatoes.

---There's a scene I wouldn't miss. A gold medal being placed around a burlap bag of spuds.

---I did see clips of the opening ceremonies. When the ascension of the Olympic flame got stuck.

---Is anybody surprised? After all, look at how Canada has botched their health care.

---Wayne Gretzky had to wait about five minutes with the torch in his hand. He looked so uncomfortable that I thought somebody told he was going back to the New York Rangers.

---The funny thing is that, while the United States is covered in snow, the Winter Olympics in Vancouver has none.

---So maybe we don't call it "global warming."

---"Country-specific warming."

---Speaking of which, is it possible to recall Nobel Peace Prizes? Al Gore, we'd like yours back.

---And, while you're at it, we'll send extra postage so you can include Jimmy Carter's as well.

---It's official. Barbara Walters has announced that her traditional pre-Oscar show is ending.

---"This year, I'm doing my wast special."

---When I heard last week that Bill Clinton was rushed to the hospital with heart problems, I immediately wondered who he was with at the time.

---Bill has been voted "The Man Most Likely To Die Like Nelson Rockefeller."

---Does anybody know where Megan Marshack is these days?

---You all remember who she is, right?

---Right?????

---Clinton had just come back from working in Haiti and I can only imagine what that was like.

---"I'm sorry we found your son buried underneath all that rubble. You want to go out for coffee?"

---So, Homeland Security made a disabled four-year-old boy remove his leg braces.

---Let me get this right. A handicapped youngster is a threat? Underwear with TNT is fine?

---Then, again, we have that well-known terrorist, bloated director Kevin Smith. Southwest asked him to get off a flight for being too fat.

---"Mr. Smith, can you remove your lunch please?"

---So, Smith goes crazy with this in the press. The indignation! The nerve!

---The fact that his new movie opens next Friday and you can't beat this kind of free publicity.

---Fraud.

---Correction: Fat Fraud.

---Alec Baldwin and his daughter have had more public fights than Cassius Clay and Sonny Liston.

---You all remember who they are? Right?

---Right???

---Let's just admit that Alec Baldwin won't be getting any Fred MacMurray-type roles in the near future.

---Unless, of course, if it's "The Absent Minded Shithead."

---Senator Evan Bayh is quitting and again I must resort to a joke I keep hearing.

---"Bye, Byah."

---He is sick of all the fighting in Washington.

---Since he's been in Washington for years, we now need to check Mr. Bayh's eyesight and hearing.

---Since there's a large majority of the Senate that is over 70, the question should not be "have you seen the healthcare plan."

---"Can you see the healthcare plan?"

---I got an earful from my accountant when I had my taxes done last Friday. He now lives in Las Vegas but commutes to LA during tax season.

---He mentioned that Vegas' economy was in the dumper. I told that I wish I could help out but the President has told Americans not to go there.

---"Don't get me started!"

---Well, actually, I did. Because, for the next ten minutes, he sliced and diced POTUS.

---"The guy's got no idea how to fix the economy."

---"Surrounded by clowns."

---"The man is as dumb as a post."

---P.S., the city of Las Vegas is going to stage a huge boycott when Urkel shows up later this week. And my accountant, who said he has never gone to a political rally before, will be attending.

---Hope he finishes my taxes first.

Dinner last night: Grilled Taylor Ham and salad.