Hell, I thought I would find out all the gory details on this religion, er, I mean, cult. Why does John Travolta put women's underwear on? Why can't Kirstie Alley keep weight off? And just how long was Tom Cruise on his rocker and when did he fall off?
Sadly, you find out none of that in this dreary movie. Oh, sure, there's a lot of damn good acting from the likes of Philip Seymour Hoffman, Joaquin Phoenix, and Amy Adams. But, that's sort of like saying you like the Third Reich simply because Adolf Hitler had a nice crease in his trousers.
I sat through it and, at the end of its six day length, I realized that I'm not smart enough to see a movie like this. Heck, it took me three viewings to totally get all the nuances and meaning behind "Lawrence of Arabia." Maybe I'll understand "The Master" then. Oh, wait, I have to see it another two times?? Er, never mind.
It's fascinating to me that a movie about mind control had such a hard time holding the attention of mine. I was completely disengaged as soon as the usherette said, "Sit back and enjoy the Master." I spent more time thinking about everything but this film. The religion they espouse is called "The Cause." I would be a poor choice to be their next follower. Why not? Cause.
As "The Master" unspooled before my falling eyelids, here's where my mind was wandering to...
"Gee, these close-ups of Philip Seymour Hoffman show that he has an awful lot of blackheads."
"Joaquin Phoenix sure does take a lot of drugs. His face looks like Montgomery Clift after the car crash on Coldwater Canyon."
"This movie would be so much better if they called it "The Masters." Then everybody could wear one of those green sports jackets."
"If it was about the Masters, maybe we could find out if Arnold Palmer really did create a drink by pouring some iced tea and lemonade together."
"God, there's a scene with lots of naked old ladies. My eyes!!"
"Reminds me of the day I accidentally walked in on my grandmother when she was trying on a new girdle."
"I'm making meat loaf tomorrow. Ooops, I forgot to buy an onion."
"I should be watching a baseball playoff game right now. Except the Dodgers didn't qualify."
"I better move my ankle. It's asleep."
"I wish this woman next to me would stop audibly gasping every time a character drinks a bottle of paint thinner. Oh, wait, she's with me."
"I can't believe the guy that directed this also did 'Boogie Nights.' When do they play 'The Hustle?'"
"Somebody in the row behind us has gas."
"Now I know why Roger Ebert gave this a bad review. That and the fact there's no black people in it."
"I've looked at my watch more than Obama did during the last debate."
"Oh, good, closing credits. Now I can see the actual names of all those naked, old ladies."
You get the picture. My mind was anyplace but with this movie. So, if you want to focus on some things in your life that have needed attention, go see "The Master." It won't distract you in the least.
Dinner last night: Leftover meatloaf.
2 comments:
Picture could be 20 minutes shorter. More info on how you start your own cult would've helped. Look for acting noms.
I do like your in-theatre review: "Flush."
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