Here's my monthly gift to you. I'll peruse the movie pages of the Los Angeles Times and give you my knee-jerk reaction to what's currently playing in the cinematic cesspools all around town. You want to see a good movie? Get in line!
Argo: I saw this last weekend. A good movie, especially the scenes set in Hollywood. And directed by Ben Affleck. I repeat. Directed by Ben Affleck. Directed by Ben Affleck. Sorry. My fingers can't stop typing this absolutely incomprehensible fact. A good movie...directed by Ben Affleck.
The Paperboy: Also saw this. A bad movie that you would think was directed by Ben Affleck, but wasn't. The paperboy leaves it on the roof. Or in a puddle on your front walk. Grim and violent. If you're dying to see Zac Effron spend half the time in his underwear, this is the film for you.
The Perks of Being a Wallflower: Last month, I referenced this movie by saying "there are none." There still aren't.
Taken 2: Strictly for those who saw Taken 1 and are anxiously dying to see Taken 3.
Pitch Perfect: An a cappella version of Glee. I saw it mainly because Anna Kendrick was in it. That's what I get for being lascivious. Anna's 27 and she's playing a college freshman!
Hotel Transylvania: Only if the Motel 6 is full.
Frankenweenie: Oh, I wish I was an Oscar Mayer frankenweenie....
Seven Psychopaths: A documentary on the current composition of the Supreme Court?
Here Comes the Boom: It stars the unfunny Kevin James so there goes the thud.
Sinister: A documentary about Nancy Pelosi?
Looper: Hired killers chase each other through time travel. As much as I like Joseph Gordon-Levitt, I'll stay in the present day, thank you very much.
The Master: Been there, yawned that.
The Oranges: Perusing the cast list. Hugh Laurie? Okay, I'm running away and screaming.
Wuthering Heights: Another pointless remake.
Paranormal Activity 4: The first one was ridiculous. So, naturally, they made three more.
End of Watch: Reviewed here recently. A good film worth your time if you can get through all the obscenities. One Adam Fucking 12.
Alex Cross: A homicide detective is pushed to the brink of his moral and physical limits as he tangles with a ferociously skilled serial killer who specializes in torture and pain. It stars Tyler Perry and I am now running faster than I did when I heard Hugh Laurie was in The Oranges.
Sexy Baby: A documentary about coming of age and the prevalence of sex in mainstream culture. When I came of age, there was no prevalence of sex...anywhere.
Sassy Pants: Desperate to get out from under her overprotective mother, a home-schooled teen runs off to live with her dad, and forms a bond with his much-younger boyfriend. They dusted off Haley Joel Osment for this one. I see dumb people.
All Together: Five old friends decide to move in together as an alternate to living in a retirement home; joining them is an ethnology student whose thesis is on the aging population. In the cast are Jane Fonda and Geraldine Chaplin. I can remember when they were young ingenues.
The First Time: A romantic comedy centered on the first weekend of a fledgling romance between two high school kids. And talking about that prevalence of sex in mainstream culture...
For Ellen: A struggling musician takes an overnight long-distance drive in order to fight his estranged wife for custody of their young daughter. AMBER ALERT!
Bigfoot - The Lost Coast Tapes: After a "Bigfoot Hunter" claims to possess the body of a dead Sasquatch, a disgraced investigative journalist stakes his comeback -- and the lives of his documentary film crew -- on proving the find to be a hoax. The Blair Witch Project just with a wider width.
That's What She Said: Bebe and DeeDee, best friends with different relationship problems, embark on a New York City misadventure with their new acquaintance, Clementine. Starring Anne Heche. I can remember when she was an ingenue. And gay.
The Sessions: A man in an iron lung who wishes to lose his virginity contacts a professional sex surrogate with the help of his therapist and priest. Sure. Doesn't everybody?
Nobody Walks: A Silver Lake family's relaxed dynamic is tested after they take in a young artist so she can complete her art film. Nobody walks...except the audience to this movie.
Four Assassins: Four assassins meet in a hotel suite to resolve unfinished business. Hey, Sirhan Sirhan, stay away from that honor bar please.
A Whisper to a Roar: Courageous democracy activists in five countries (Egypt, Malaysia, Ukraine, Venezuela and Zimbabwe) risk it all to bring freedom to their people. After everything that happened in the Middle East last month, I think this documentary needs a rewrite.
Wake in Fright: The story of John Grant, a bonded teacher who arrives in the rough outback mining town of Bundanyabba planning to stay overnight before catching the plane to Sydney. But his one night stretches to five and he plunges headlong toward his own destruction. Originally made in 1971, this is a restoration. Interesting candidate for that, given I never heard of it previously.
Six Million and One: A filmmaker and his siblings research the experiences of their late father, who survived the Holocaust during World War II. A new documentary which I think has been made about two dozen other times.
Simon and the Oaks: Two boys come of age in Sweden during World War II. Well, if you have to get laid the first time, Sweden is a good place to do it.
Sister: A drama set at a Swiss ski resort and centered on a boy who supports his sister by stealing from wealthy guests. Which is why hotel rooms have safes.
We Are Legion - The Story of the Hacktivists: A documentary on the workings and beliefs of the self-described "hacktivist" collective, Anonymous. I have a regular reader named Anonymous. Does he know he was the subject of a documentary?
Dinner last night: Grilled Taylor Ham with cheese on a Kaiser roll.
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