Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Saul and Heshe Kibbitz on the Oscars

Pastrami on rye at Nate N' Al's in Beverly Hills.  That's what our two favorite Hollywood veterans, Saul and Heshe, had for lunch yesterday as they chewed the fat over the Oscars.  The sandwiches were fine.  The Oscars?  Lots of indigestion.  Let's listen in.



"The Oscars this year.  We should sit shiva."

"Curtains on the mirrors all over Hollywood.  Bob Hope, we miss you, Bubbila."

"Seth MacFarlane as host.  Haven't Jews suffered enough?"

"Can't sing, can't host, not funny.  A triple threat."

"They should have called Martha Raye instead."

"Martha's dead."

"Still should have made the call anyway.  You never know."

"Were he and Donny Osmond separated at birth?"

"Seth MacFarlane.  Used car salesman or game show host?  You decide."

"And if he's selling cars, it's an Edsel dealership on Pico."

"Remind me again of the many great Seth MacFarlane movies."

"He's got one.  A teddy bear that curses."

"I worked with Francis the Talking Mule."

"Chill Wills was a real talent.  Not like today."

"And who was that munchkin on the red carpet?  The Wizard of Oz already had their wrap party."

"That was Kristin Chenowith."

"Call Ringling Brothers.  She needs some stilts."


"Vey iz mir."

"And then comes Billy Shatner to do gags with MacFarlane."

"Maybe he should have beamed him to Vulcan."

"What the hell is The Life of Pi?  The Marie Callender Story?"

"And they must be producing New Faces of 2013.  Look at them all.  Michael Douglas.  Jane Fonda.  Barbra."

"I remember the way her face was."

"I remember the way her voice was, too."

"And, hello, did you see that Jennifer Aniston?  Looking more and more like Connie Stevens."

"I shtupped Connie.  Somewhere between Hawaiian Eye and Palm Spring Weekend."

"Oueen Latifah?  What exactly is she the queen of?"

"The craft service table.  P.S., your majesty.  White's not a good color when you're as big as Lou Costello."

"Was that Adele or the Goodyear Blimp?"

"Notice that the blimp is not painted white."

"Somebody steal Adele's last name?"

"Her dress was made of charcoal filters...probably from a hot dog grill."

"P.S., Adele.  Black still means you're as big as Lou Costello."

"Sign up Adele and Queen Latifah for the Hunger Games."

"They should try the Lez Miz diet.  One croissant a week and then you die."

"Did you see?  They dusted off Shirley Bassey."

"She looked like a drag queen version of herself."




"And that Jennifer Hudson.  All new.  New wig.  New face.  New tits."

"God bless.  There is a future after Burger King."

"Searching for Sugar Man?  What?  No Splenda?"

"Did you see that Les Miz?"

"No.  I draw the line.  Watching billionaire movie stars playing starving French peasants."

"Jennifer Lawrence, did you have a nice trip?"

"She went down fast.  Just like Connie Stevens."

"Lincoln, schmincon.  Spielberg, maybe it should have been a cartoon from Dreamworks."

"Steven, baby, who knew the highlight of your year would be the egg salad at your mother's restaurant?"

"Meanwhile, they're putting Daniel Day-Lewis on the five-dollar-bill."

"Ben Affleck.  Lucky bastard."

"Real hair on face, fake hair on head."

"He's got more wigs than Eva Gabor."

"And, oy, they have to schlep out the First Lady."

"She's got more wigs than Diahann Carroll."

"What the hell was she doing there?  You didn't see Mamie Eisenhower giving the Oscar to "Marty" in 1956?"

"I wonder what her real hair-do looks like."

"Coin toss.  Buckwheat or Farina."

"I tell you, this town has gone to shit."

"You're telling me.  They forgot my pickle!"

Thanks to today's collaborator, Andre Higgins-McMickens. 

Dinner last night:  Had a big lunch so just a sandwich.


Anonymous said...

I'm laughin'.

Fix the Donny Osmond line.

Anonymous said...

The sandwich looks delicious!