If I Tweeted - January 2014

I don't, you know.   But, if I did, here's what I would have tweeted this past month.

#LenSpeaks  Much of the country is under the grip of the Polar Vortex.   Which I think starred Jean Claude Van Damme.

#LenSpeaks  It's fun to watch a global warming environmentalist wait for a bus during a snowstorm.

#LenSpeaks  Reporters are showing how to make instant snow on the air.  Meanwhile, nobody is still mentioning Benghazi.

#LenSpeaks  A report came out that said the State Department screwed up on Benghazi.  That would be the fault of everybody there but the woman in charge.

#LenSpeaks  Hillary is desperate to get back into the White House.  It's like she left an expensive piece of jewelry under the couch.

#LenSpeaks  PS, if the Obamas found it, they probably sold it on e-Bay by now.

#LenSpeaks  Michelle Obama is now 50.   That's age and not waist size, in case you were wondering.

#LenSpeaks  I love the nonsense about Chris Christie being such a thug.   As if every resident of the White House over the past half century hasn't strong-armed somebody.

#LenSpeaks  I mean, Obama grew up in Illinois politics.  That's not exactly the type of election where Marcia Brady runs for student body president.

#LenSpeaks  And you know Clinton was dirty.   There's a list of about 100 women who will verify that.

#LenSpeaks  And Reagan probably was a goon as well.   He just didn't know it.

#LenSpeaks  Everybody should leave Christie alone and let him have his stroke in peace.

#LenSpeaks  This idiot that's the new mayor of New York actually makes me think fondly of David Dinkins.

#LenSpeaks  This new screwball actually posed for a photo op, shoveling snow off his sidewalk.  Right.

#LenSpeaks  Ten seconds after cameras stopped rolling, he handed the shovel to some Puerto Rican kid from the gas station on the corner.

#LenSpeaks  Here's a lucrative job idea:  be a designated driver for the Golden Globes.

#LenSpeaks  I wonder if these Hollywood stars get that liquored up when they're at an Obama fundraiser.

#LenSpeaks  Jacqueline Bisset won an award and look comatose during her acceptance speech.   The good news is most people thought she had already died.

#LenSpeaks Personally, I have no use for either Tina Fey or Amy Poehler.  Unless they're hosting the Golden Globes.

#LenSpeaks  The SAG Awards were held several nights later.   Does Hollywood ever cook at home?

#LenSpeaks  There was major omissions in the Oscar nominations.  Ballots must have been filled out at one of those booze-filled award shows.

#LenSpeaks  Matthew McConaughey got nominated for an Oscar.   So we are that much closer to the apocalypse.

#LenSpeaks  It's never a good sign if I have to go into a hardware store.

#LenSpeaks  Jay Leno has one more week before the Tonight Show moves to NY and Jimmy Fallon takes over.

#LenSpeaks  PS, I still won't watch it.  Johnny, you are still my one and only king.

#LenSpeaks  Non-surprise of the month:  Justin Bieber arrested for DUI.

#LenSpeaks  If you're a news organization and you don't yet have his obit written, you're inept.

#LenSpeaks  Hey, Justin, two words...John Belushi.

#LenSpeaks  Two more words...Dana Plato.

#LenSpeaks  Two more words...Whitney Houston.

#LenSpeaks  And, Justin, one more note.  Avoid hotel bathtubs.

#LenSpeaks  The State of the Union?  It sucks.

Dinner last night:  Salad.