565: EUTYCHIUS IS DEPOSED AS PATRIARCH OF CONSTANTINOPLE BY JOHN SCHOLASTICUS.
Scholasticus for Children.
613: EIGHT-MONTH-OLD CONSTANTINE IS CROWNED AS CO-EMPEROR BY HIS FATHER HERACLIUS AT CONSTANTINOPLE
Talk about over-achieving at an early age.
1506: THE FIRST CONTINGENT OF 150 SWISS GUARDS ARRIVES AT THE VATICAN.
Who was watching the place before this? A bunch of Cub Scouts from Milan?
1552: EXPLORER SIR WALTER RALEIGH IS BORN.
If only he knew that he would become a cigarette. With a coupon on the box.
1824: THE ASHANTIS DEFEAT BRITISH FORCES IN THE GOLD COAST.
Ashantis is really Atlantis if spoken by somebody with a hairlip.
1849: THE SIEGE OF MULTAN ENDS AFTER NINE MONTHS WHEN THE LAST SIKH DEFENDERS SURRENDER.
I'm sikh of this, too.
1875: DIRECTOR D.W. GRIFFITH IS BORN.
Birth of a Director.
1877: ARTHUR TOOTH, AN ANGLICAN CLERGYMAN, IS TAKEN INTO CUSTODY AFTER BEING PROSECUTED FOR USING RITUALISTIC PRACTICES.
And now we are Tooth-less.
1890: THE UNITED MINE WORKERS OF AMERICA IS FOUNDED IN COLUMBUS, OHIO.
Coal....er, I mean, cool.
1901: EDWARD VII IS PROCLAIMED KING AFTER THE DEATH OF HIS MOTHER, QUEEN VICTORIA.
It's the next Edward that caused all the fuss.
1909: ACTRESS ANN SOTHERN IS BORN.
Your Private Secretary!
1917: PRESIDENT WOODROW WILSON OF THE STILL-NEUTRAL UNITED STATES CALLS FOR "PEACE WITHOUT VICTORY" IN EUROPE.
What a complete wuss.
1927: TEDDY WAKELAM GIVES THE FIRST LIVE RADIO COMMENTARY OF A FOOTBALL MATCH ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD.
Just in case you thought it was Marv Albert.
1931: SINGER SAM COOKE IS BORN.
Twistin' the night away.
1934: ACTOR BILL BIXBY IS BORN.
The guy who lived with My Favorite Martian.
1944: DURING WORLD WAR II, THE ALLIES COMMENCE OPERATION SHINGLE, AN ASSAULT ON ANZIO, ITALY.
Unrelated fact: Shingles are caused by the chicken pox virus.
1946: THE CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE GROUP, A FORERUNNER OF THE CIA, IS CREATED.
Because CIG just doesn't sound the same.
1947: KTLA, THE FIRST COMMERCIAL TV STATION WEST OF THE MISSISSIPPL, BEGINS OPERATION IN HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA.
Channel 5, for those who are keeping track.
1957: ISRAEL WITHDRAWS FROM THE SINAI PENINSULA.
And the Sinai Peninsula then smoked a cigarette.
1959: ACTRESS LINDA BLAIR IS BORN.
If her mom's name was Rosemary, that would be a devil of a coincidence.
1962: THE ORGANIZATION OF AMERICAN STATES SUSPENDS CUBA'S MEMBERSHIP.
Luckily though, Cuba was allowed to stay in the Archie Fan Club.
1969: A GUNMAN ATTEMPTS TO ASSASSINATE SOVIET LEADER LEONID BREZHNEV.
Maybe it was Squeaky Fromme-ski.
1970: THE BOEING 747, THE WORLD'S FIRST JUMBO JET, ENTERS COMMERCIAL SERVICE FOR THE FIRST TIME.
No upgrades to business class that day.
1973: PRESIDENT LYNDON B. JOHNSON DIES.
He chose not to live.
1973: THE SUPREME COURT OF THE US DELIVERS ITS DECISION IN ROE VS. WADE, LEGALIZING ABORTION IN ALL FIFTY STATES.
Should have taken Wade with the points.
1984: THE APPLE MACINTOSH, THE FIRST CONSUMER COMPUTER WITH A MOUSE, IS INTRODUCED WITH A TV COMMERCIAL DURING SUPER BOWL XVIII.
And so it began.
1994: ACTOR TELLY SAVALAS DIES.
RIP Kojak.
1995: ROSE KENNEDY DIES.
My goodness, at this point, she was 104. They could have buried her in a cigar box.
2001: BASEBALL STAR TOMMIE AGEE DIES.
Drops dead on a NY street. But he held onto the ball.
2002: KMART BECOMES THE LARGEST RETAILER IN US HISTORY TO FILE FOR CHAPTER 11 BANKRUPTCY.
And they're still rolling back prices.
2004: DANCER ANN MILLER DIES.
From On the Town to Under It.
2005: SECRETARY ROSE MARY WOODS DIES.
The joke is______________________________ finally.
2008: ACTOR HEATH LEDGER DIES.
One way to win an Oscar.
2010: ACTRESS JEAN SIMMONS DIES.
I'm Mrs. Spartacus.
2012: COACH JOE PATERNO DIES.
A great way to duck a subpoena.
Dinner last night: Fried chicken cutlets, mashed potatoes, and broccoli.
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