455: THE ROMAN MILITARY COMMANDER AVITUS IS PROCLAIMED EMPEROR OF THE WESTERN ROMAN EMPIRE.
The Western Roman Empire is the one with the designated hitter, right?
869: A MAGNITUDE 8.6 EARTHQUAKE AND SUBSEQUENT TSUNAMI STRIKES JAPAN.
When doesn't it?
1540: KING HENRY VIII OF ENGLAND ANNULS HIS MARRIAGE TO HIS FOURTH WIFE, ANNE OF CLEVES.
The Frank Sinatra of royalty.
1572: NINETEEN CATHOLICS SUFFER MARTYRDOM FOR THEIR BELIEFS IN THE DUTCH TOWN OF GORKUM.
So I'm guessing Gorkum's not a good place to sell parochial school candy bars.
1776: GEORGE WASHINGTON ORDERS THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE TO BE READ OUT LOUD TO THE CONTINENTAL ARMY.
With all those cannons firing, they were probably all deaf anyway.
1789: IN VERSAILLES, THE NATIONAL ASSEMBLY RECONSTITUTES ITSELF AS THE NATIONAL CONSTITUENT ASSEMBLY.
Leave it to the French to be completely redundant.
1793: THE ACT AGAINST SLAVERY IS PASSED IN UPPER CANADA AND THE IMPORTATION OF SLAVES INTO LOWER CANADA IS PROHIBITED.
Who the heck lives in Upper Canada anyway?
1816: ARGENTINA DECLARES INDEPENDENCE FROM SPAIN.
Go ahead and cry for me.
1850: US PRESIDENT ZACHARY TAYLOR DIES AND IS REPLACED BY MILLARD FILLMORE.
Well, that sounds like a downgrade.
1868: THE 14TH AMENDMENT TO THE US CONSTITUTION IS RATIFIED GUARANTEEING AFRICAN AMERICANS FULL CITIZENSHIP.
Somehow that didn't get completely enforced for a while.
1877: THE FIRST WIMBLEDON CHAMPIONSHIPS BEGIN.
Pass the clotted cream.
1903: FUTURE SOVIET DICTATOR JOSEPH STALIN IS EXILED TO SIBERIA FOR THREE YEARS.
Should have made it thirty.
1922: JOHNNY WEISSMULLER SWIMS THE 100 METERS FREESTYLE IN 58.6 SECONDS, BREAKING THE WORLD SWIMMING RECORD.
And you should see how fast he can go when he's being chased by a crocodile.
1927: SINGER ED AMES IS BORN.
I didn't know he was Jewish either.
1928: ACTOR VINCE EDWARDS IS BORN.
Ben Casey!
1942: ACTOR RICHARD ROUNDTREE IS BORN.
Talking about Shaft!
1944: DURING WORLD WAR II, BRITISH AND CANADIAN FORCES CAPTURE CAEN, FRANCE.
Just to show that it wasn't only the Americans who fought the winning fight.
1947: FOOTBALL STAR/ACTOR OJ SIMPSON IS BORN.
Still guilty.
1952: MUSICIAN JOHN TESH IS BORN.
And the only thing I know him from is Entertainment Tonight.
1962: ANDY WARHOL'S CAMPBELL SOUP CAN EXHIBITION OPENS IN LOS ANGELES.
Mmm Mmm Good.
1974: JUDGE EARL WARREN DIES.
And there's no report on this.
1976: ACTOR FRED SAVAGE IS BORN.
Eight years after 1968, which is when the Wonder Years started.
1981: THE VIDEO GAME, DONKEY KONG, IS RELEASED BY NINTENDO.
Anybody got a quarter?
1992: JOURNALIST ERIC SEVAREID DIES.
That's the way he was.
2002: ACTOR ROD STEIGER DIES.
The Heat of the Night has cooled.
2004: ACTRESS ISABEL SANFORD DIES.
Weezie!
2007: ACTOR CHARLES LANE DIES.
He appeared in every sitcom that ever aired.
Dinner last night: Leftover sausage and vegetables.
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