Back in the day, movies were a tight and crisp ninety or one hundred minutes. Stories were told efficiently and with little fat. Oh, sure, there were some films that really demanded longer running times. A "Lawrence of Arabia." A "Giant." A "Ben-Hur." But, for the most part, film editors were kept busy slicing and dicing in Hollywood.
Nowadays, directors are so egotistical that they want to use every scrap of celluloid that they shoot. I mean, it's all perfect, right?
This brings me to "Gone Girl" which is the latest poster child for hiring a film editor or anybody with sharp scissors to bring us a tighter story that won't give us bed sores. I had heard great things about this mystery. Crowds are flocking to it. And, given all the procedural dramas populating television in 2014, this is exactly what audiences are looking for. A big screen version of some CSI show. In this case, it's a CSI edition with two parts. No, make that three parts. Wait, make that four parts. Oh, crap, who am I kidding? This is a freakin' mini-series.
Ben Affleck plays a man bored with his demanding wife. She suddenly disappears. It looks like there was a struggle in the living room. There are shards of glass all around. Unfortunately, none were used to cut a reel out of the picture. But, I digress.
Soon, it looks like Affleck may have killed his wife and stashed her where the bodies of all annoying spouses are kept. The detectives look to have an air tight case. The audience wonders when the credits will roll. After all, CSI shows are only an hour long. But, at about the time you normally would switch over to the 11PM news, the audience learns that the wife is...well...let's just say, the movie lasts another 90 minutes. Do the math.
We learn that the missus is really Looney Tunes and, oh, yeah, those cartoons often ran a very tight seven minutes. As a matter of fact, there's really nobody in this movie that you can like. If you really want to spend a whole evening with some detestable folks, simply avoid this film and wait for your Thanksgiving family dinner.
Okay, the story on the screen did hold my interest. But, as depicted by director David Fincher, it plays out so slowly and methodically that you just know that your bladder won't last till the closing credits. At one point, Tyler Perry shows up as a lawyer and now I'm even more angry, since I had never seen him in a movie before and I was pretty proud of that accomplishment. Eventually, Neil Patrick Harris shows up and that wakes me up because I'm a fan. But, he's not around the proceedings long enough and is unfortunately in the scene where somebody finally did yell "cut." That's a funny gag if you're unlucky enough to see "Gone Girl."
The performances are decent. The mystery is compelling enough. But it's all badly in need of a reworking. This is an incredibly good first draft of a film. Call me when you cut about 30 or 40 pages out of the screenplay. And this movie also features a thoroughly unsatisfying climax. It's like you sit through four hours of an Italian wedding reception only to find out there are no cannolis on the dessert table.
"Gone Girl" might or might not be your cup of tea. Even better, it should be your cup of coffee. With a caffeine boost. Trust me. Around the 2 hour mark, you will need it.
LEN'S RATING: Two stars.
Dinner last night: Leftover turkey chili.
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