362: THE TEMPLE OF APOLLO AT DAPHNE IS DESTROYED IN A MYSTERIOUS FIRE.
Daphne was originally supposed to be named Geraldine. Don't get that joke? Watch "Some Like It Hot."
794: EMPEROR KANMU RELOCATES THE JAPANESE CAPITAL TO WHAT IS NOW KYOTO.
Moving it around like it's an Asian food truck.
1383: IN PORTUGAL, KING FERNANDO DIES WITHOUT A MALE HEIR TO THE THRONE, SPARKING A PERIOD OF CIVIL WAR AND DISORDER.
He should have joined RoyalMatch.com.
1707: FOUR BRITISH ROYAL NAVY SHIPS RUN AGROUND NEAR THE ISLES OF SCILLY BECAUSE OF FAULTY NAVIGATION.
Bad driving? That's just scilly.
1734: FRONTIERMAN DANIEL BOONE IS BORN.
Years before he was cancelled by NBC.
1746: THE COLLEGE OF NEW JERSEY, LATER RENAMED PRINCETON, RECEIVES ITS CHARTER.
Good ole CNJ.
1777: DURING THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION, AMERICAN DEFENDERS ON THE DELAWARE RIVER REPULSE HESSIAN ATTACKS IN THE BATTLE OF RED BANK.
How were they repulsed? By picking their noses in the heat of battle?
1784: RUSSIA FOUNDS A COLONY ON KODIAK ISLAND, ALASKA.
Which Sarah Palin could see as well.
1797: ANDRE-JACQUES GARNERIN MAKES THE FIRST RECORDED PARACHUTE JUMP ABOVE PARIS.
Watch out for that tower....WATCH OUT FOR THAT TOWER! Ouch.
1836: SAM HOUSTON IS INAUGURATED AS THE FIRST PRESIDENT OF TEXAS.
And they still think they're in a different country.
1859: SPAIN DECLARES WAR ON MOROCCO.
They're going to attack any country that featured a Bing Crosby-Bob Hope Road picture.
1875: THE FIRST TELEGRAPHIC CONNECTION IN ARGENTINA.
Stop....don't cry for me...stop.
1879: THOMAS EDISON TESTS THE FIRST PRACTICAL ELECTRIC INCANDESCENT LIGHT BULB. IT LASTED 13 1/2 HOURS.
You can be sure it's Edison.
1883: THE METROPOLITAN OPERA HOUSE IN NEW YORK CITY OPENS WITH A PERFORMANCE OF GOUNDOD'S FAUST.
Who's what?
1903: STOOGE CURLY HOWARD IS BORN.
Died by the time he was 48. But metal pipes to the head will do that.
1910: DR. CRIPPEN IS CONVICTED AT THE OLD BAILEY OF POISONING HIS WIFE AND IS SUBSEQUENTLY HANGED IN LONDON.
Before we rush to judgment, did anybody get to meet the wife?
1924: TOASTMASTERS INTERNATIONAL IS FOUNDED.
Because Georgie Jessel needed to belong to something.
1926: J. GORDON WHITEHEAD SUCKER PUNCHES MAGICIAN HARRY HOUDINI IN THE STOMACH IN MONTREAL, PROMPTING HIS LATER DEATH.
Okay, get out of this.
1934: IN OHIO, FBI AGENTS SHOOT AND KILL BANK ROBBER PRETTY BOY FLOYD.
Not in the face, please, not in the face.
1942: ACTRESS ANNETTE FUNICELLO IS BORN.
Second birthday in Heaven.
1957: THE FIRST UNITED STATES CASUALTIES IN VIETNAM.
As the slide used to say on Johnny Carson's Tonight Show..."More to Come."
1962: THE CUBAN MISSILE CRISIS - PRESIDENT JOHN F. KENNEDY ANNOUNCES THAT US PLANES HAVE DISCOVERED SOVIET NUCLEAR WEAPONS IN CUBA AND THAT HE HAS ORDERED A NAVAL QUARANTINE OF THE COMMUNIST NATION.
Back then, we didn't take this kind of shit from our enemies.
1964: JEAN-PAUL SARTRE IS AWARDED THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR LITERATURE, BUT TURNS DOWN THE HONOR.
After all, what's the point of it all?
1966: THE SUPREMES BECOME THE FIRST ALL-FEMALE MUSIC GROUP TO ATTAIN A NO. 1 SELLING ALBUM.
Hey, what were the Andrews Sisters? Chopped liver?
1972: IN SAIGON, HENRY KISSINGER AND SOUTH VIETNAMESE PRESIDENT NGUYEN VAN THIEU MEET TO DISCUSS A PROPOSED CEASE-FIRE IN THE VIET NAM WAR.
You'd need subtitles to understand that conversation.
1976: RED DYE NO. 4 IS BANNED BY THE US FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION AFTER IT DISCOVERED THAT IT CAUSES TUMORS IN THE BLADDERS OF DOGS.
Are there a lot of dogs who were eating Maraschino cherries?
1978: THE PAPAL INAUGURATION OF POPE JOHN II.
After John Paul I lasted about as long as a bad sitcom.
1981: THE US FEDERAL LABOR RELATIONS AUTHORITY VOTES TO DECERTIFY THE PROFESSIONAL AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS ORGANIZATION FOR ITS PREVIOUS STRIKE.
Watch out for that tower....WATCH OUT FOR THAT TOWER....Ouch.
1992: SPORTSCASTER RED BARBER DIES.
Oh, Doctor....never mind.
2009: TV COMIC SOUPY SALES DIES.
The ultimate pie in the face.
Dinner last night: Leftover chicken cutlets.
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