After the Sony logo appears (I'd love to see the internal e-mails about this movie), we see a red-headed, freckle-faced girl in a red dress talking in front of her class about American history. She sits down and then is replaced by our heroine Annie sporting a hair-do that even Diana Ross would refuse to wear. And she starts to talk about Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Okay, this longtime fan of the original Broadway musical is thinking, the producers actually remembered that the 32nd President of the United States was a major character of the show on stage.
But, FDR's inclusion is simply an entry point for Annie to start lecturing her classmates about the evil 1% who run America. And, with that, we're off to the race. And please note that I made that word singular.
"Annie" has been inexplicably and insipidly been remade here to reflect "modern" times and the criminals doubling as filmmakers have effectively shot this wonderful story right in the head. Talk about your hate crimes. This is one perpetrated on an innocent movie audience. In the theater I attended, Al Sharpton was nowhere to be found.
Watching this sewer back-up was heart sickening for yours truly. The original Broadway show was one of my favorite nights in the theater. The evening I saw it, Annie was played by Sarah Jessica Parker during those days when she was hanging around with a mutt and not Mr. Big. The historical legs of the tale about this comic strip icon took us through the Great Depression and the early days of Roosevelt's New Deal. Not only did you get some terrific theater moments, the kids you brought got a little education to boot. And, while it wasn't perfect, the early 80s screen adaptation followed it to a tee. I know lots of kids and adults who remember both editions fondly.
Those memories are now completely ruined. Actually, they have been shit upon. But, that should be no surprise when you look at all the assholes attached to the 2014 rendition. Will Smith and his "wife" Jada Pinkett Smith. Note the italics there. Find your own personal Hollywood insider who will explain to you why their marriage is a complete sham. Jay-Z also is one of the producers because, well, they needed somebody big to ruin perfectly good Broadway lyrics. And he does. The original songs that are left in are completely butchered. And the new replacement tunes are absolutely hideous. There's at least twenty-five minutes of screen time where the audience needs to be given Bose noise cancelling headphones.
Essentially, all these hacks plus the screenwriter/director, some schmuck named Will Gluck (oh, look, it rhymes) have updated and politicized and tinkered with a treasure so much that it's virtually unrecognizable. This is one urban renewal project that shouldn't have gotten funding. The once grand Broadway penthouse is now a tenement on 116th Street and Lenox.
Brought up to current day New York City, this Annie has lost complete heart and soul. In fact, she's not even an orphan. They call her a foster child. Living under the care of Cameron Diaz (???!!) as former 90's rock star Colleen Hannigan (????!!!), Annie and the other foster children are cleaning floors and trying to stay out of the way. Luckily, their memorable first act dance number has not been rewritten to be sung as "It's A Fucked Up Life." Gee, I wonder how they missed out on that. And, wait, isn't there a line in that song which says, "no one really gives a smidge if you're in an orphanage?"
Jamie Foxx is this year's edition of Daddy Warbucks, a cell phone magnate (???!!!) running for NYC Mayor. To gain some votes, he takes Annie under his wing and such a cheap political ploy is indeed the only honest moment in the movie. One of my favorite numbers from the original is when Warbucks takes Annie on a tour of Manhattan while singing "NYC." Well, in this version, Foxx sings something different and very badly as they take a helicopter ride around the city. While we're all waiting for Sandy the dog to say "arf," most of us were getting ready to barf. Meanwhile, Foxx is reduced to doing so many spit takes that you wonder if the film's technical advisor is Danny Thomas.
There are so many moments of lecturing that "Annie" feels like it was co-written by Reverend Jeremiah Wright. Indeed, if it had gotten into production a few months later, I'm sure producers would have figured out a way for Annie to be accosted by a policeman. Indeed, when this script showed up at the Sony gate, somebody really should have yelled "hands up, don't shoot." Shoot the script, I mean.
But, wait, there's more!
Annie winds up at a political fundraiser for her "daddy," and ends up singing some unintelligible torch song like Beyonce in front of a full orchestra. Two minutes later into the movie, it's revealed that she can't read!
Help? Anybody??? Are there refunds available???
So, in this world of Annie, we have Twittering and blogging and so many timely references that the film will be essentially outdated by next Tuesday. Meanwhile, at the end, there is a "24"-like chase scene that is so badly shot that somebody should notify the Cinematographers' union. The chase is one minute at the George Washington Bridge and then inexplicably at Liberty State Park which is completely the other direction.
This is one of those movies which has so much bad stuff coming out of it that I really wish they would allow laptops at screenings. Hey, I knew a funny blog piece would come out of it all. But I didn't even imagine it would be this hateful and disastrous. Sadly, I went with a good friend who brought her own daughter. Now, the youngster liked it. Of course, if you've never had gelato, Icee tastes perfectly fine. But, I also told her that she should really see the stage musical if it ever shows up on tour. That, my friends, is the real "Annie."
And, finally, a lesson to all involved. Personally, I don't care whether Annie is white, black, brown, yellow, or chartreuse. The story needs to be written color blind and kept as close to the original era as possible.
But, of course, no. Not in Hollywood today. And, especially not with the likes of Will Smith and Jay-Z at helm.
Yep, there are some things that need to be left alone.
Arf.
LEN'S RATING: Minus four stars. The highest insult I can give it.
Dinner last night: Chicken sausage, rice, and corn.
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