Friday, May 8, 2015

Church Bulletin Bloopers

I'm actually in charge of composing and printing the bulletins for my church's Sunday service.   And there have been times where a typo has slipped by.   But, none with the horrific and comic consequences of these below:

1. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery down stairs.

2. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 pm. The congregation is invited to attend the tragedy.

3. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.

4. The preacher will preach his farewell massage, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy".

5. Thursday night: Potluck Supper - Prayer and medication will follow.

6. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

7. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

8. Evening massage - 6 p.m.

9. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

10. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

11. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

12. Ushers will eat latecomers.

13. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

14. Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

15. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

16. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

17. Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.

18. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”

19. If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check, and drip in the collection basket.

20. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience.”

21. Don’t miss this Saturday’s exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.

22. We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.

23. A worm welcome to all who have come today.

24. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Nelson’s sermons.

Dinner last night:  Turkey sandwich.

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