Surefire Way to Lose Weight in Ten Steps

If you're like me, you've struggled with your weight all your life.    Or maybe you're simply concerned about those three helpings of stuffing you had last week at Thanksgiving dinner.   Well, whatever the case, I've got the answer.   

Since my physical last December, I have lost 45 pounds.   And you can do it, too. You might have tried the Water Diet.   Or the All Protein Diet.   Or the Rice Diet. Well, I've got one that has a 100 percent success rate.

It's the Inflamed Liver/Fractured Kneecap Diet.   And you, too, can follow it in these easy steps.

1.  Start taking Celebrex for any arthritic condition.   I was on it for three years, but you can probably do it in less time.   It's a pretty lethal medication.  Stop taking it as soon as you feel sick.   Trust me.   You'll know it when it happens.

2.  With the Celebrex, you will start developing a problematic liver that will result in a medical phenomenon called biliary sludge.   Acid backs up into your system and the only things you can really eat are the foods that are good for you.

3.  With your liver under the weather, you learn to cook differently.   Bye, bye, greasy stuff.   Hello, lots of veggies.  

4.  Lose the diet sodas.   Indeed, lose any kind of soda.   I only allow myself a can of ginger ale every other day.  You will be surprised how bad those chemicals are for you.

5.  Drink eight glasses of water a day.  Okay, that direction shows up in every diet ever written.

6.  As your liver and your system start to come back to normal, you will discover that the eating restrictions are not as bad as you thought.   Of course, if you really want your liver to repair, you will stop ingesting any alcohol as well.   Okay, there is a part of every diet that sucks.   

7.  Over the course of about four or five months of all of the above, you probably will plateau at a total weight loss of 30 pounds.   But you want to go a little further, right?   Proceed to #8.

8.  Trip over your own two feet in a garage with a concrete floor.   Try to land on your bad knee and you should fracture it in at least two places.  The good news is that this pretty much heals on its own.   The bad news is that the first three days, while on crutches, you don't want to eat a thing.

9.  If you're lucky, the doctors in the emergency room will give you pain killing drugs that will activate your liver inflammation all over again.  I offer you some hearty congratulations.   You're back at #2.  Woo hoo.

10.  Once you involve all your medical masterminds, you should be fine.   And astonished by the weight loss.   Go directly to a tailor and get your new body measurements.   Then proceed to Eddie Bauer.com and start shopping.

Of course, as with all diets, please consult your physician before you try this.   And, when I mean doctor, I am referring to the one who sits with a notepad while you lay on a couch and complain about your life.

Dinner last night:  Noodle soup.