8: ROMAN EMPIRE GENERAL TIBERIUS DEFEATS DALMATIANS ON THE RIVER BATHINUS.
He beat up on dogs??? 101 of them??
881: LOUIS III OF FRANCE DEFEATS THE VIKINGS, AN EVENT CELEBRATED IN THE POEM "LUDWIGSLIED."
Ludwigs lied, Vikings died.
1492: CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS SETS SAIL FROM SPAIN.
Trying to prove that the only thing flat in this world was Twiggy.
1492: THE JEWS OF SPAIN ARE EXPELLED BY THE CATHOLIC MONARCHS.
Hmmm. On the same day as Columbus hightailing it out of town. Connecting the dots, I can only now assume that Columbus was not his real last name.
1527: THE FIRST KNOWN LETTER FROM NORTH AMERICA IS SENT BY JOHN RUT WHILE AT ST. JOHN'S, NEWFOUNDLAND.
It gets there five years later. Postage due.
1678: ROBERT LASALLE BUILDS THE "LE GRIFFON," THE FIRST KNOWN SHIP BUILT ON THE GREAT LAKES.
Later to be followed by the SS Carson and the SS Paar.
1783: MOUNT ASAMA ERUPTS IN JAPAN, KILLING 35,000 PEOPLE.
Between natural disasters, earthquakes, and Mothra, these people never catch a break.
1852: HARVARD WINS THE FIRST BOAT RACE WITH YALE, THE VERY FIRST AMERICAN INTERCOLLEGIATE ATHLETIC EVENT.
I wonder who won the brackets that day.
1900: THE FIRESTONE TIRE AND RUBBER COMPANY IS FOUNDED.
Before this happened, just where did idle nails go?
1914: DURING WORLD WAR I, GERMANY DECLARES WAR AGAINST FRANCE.
Don't tell me I have to root for the scummy French.
1921: ACTRESS MARILYN MAXWELL IS BORN.
Bob Hope shtupped her many times off on the Road to Adultery.
1923: CALVIN COOLIDGE IS SWORN IN AS THE 30TH PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IN THE EARLY MORNING FOLLOWING THE DEATH OF WARREN G. HARDING THE PREVIOUS DAY.
Harding dropped dead. And how many Presidents have people wished the same thing for since?
1923: ACTRESS JEAN HAGEN IS BORN.
If you want to see her best performance, rent "Singin' in the Rain." She almost steals the picture.
1926: SINGER TONY BENNETT IS BORN.
My grandmother hated him. "Stupid guinea." I am simply quoting, folks.
1934: ADOLF HITLER BECOMES THE SUPREME LEADER OF GERMANY BY JOINING THE OFFICES OF PRESIDENT AND CHANCELLOR INTO FUHRER.
Talk about being pushy. Years later, Diana Ross would also become a Supreme leader.
1936: JESSE OWENS WINS THE 100 METER DASH AT THE BERLIN OLYMPICS.
If I were in Germany at the time, I would have run like the wind, too.
1940: ACTOR MARTIN SHEEN IS BORN.
Few people realize that he's almost as insane as his son. The guy really thought he was President of the Untied States.
1949: THE NATIONAL BASKETBALL ASSOCIATION IS FOUNDED IN THE UNITED STATES.
And, at last, tall Black guys finally have a career path.
1951: ACTOR JAY NORTH IS BORN.
"Hey, Mr. Wilson!!!!"
1958: THE NUCLEAR SUBMARINE USS NAUTILUS TRAVELS BENEATH THE ARCTIC ICE CAP.
Now there's a trip Carnival Cruises doesn't offer.
1966: COMIC LENNY BRUCE DIES.
His last words? Fuck me.
1983: ACTRESS CAROLYN JONES DIES.
1995: ACTRESS IDA LUPINO DIES.
Mrs. Howard Duff to you.
2001: ACTOR CHRISTOPHER HEWETT DIES.
Mr. Belvedere's bell is silenced.
2004: METS BROADCASTER BOB MURPHY DIES.
No happy recap on this day. One of the great baseball voices.
2008: BRAVES BROADCASTER SKIP CARAY DIES.
And, on the same day four years later, one of the most overrated baseball voices kicks the bucket. The Caray family of shills is perhaps the biggest mystery ever in sports broadcasting. Harry, Skip, Chip. They all suck.
Dinner last night: Brussels sprouts and kale salad.