350: GENERALLUS MAGNENTIUS DEPOSES ROMAN EMPEROR CONSTANS AND PROCLAIMS HIMSELF EMPEROUR.
Generallus Magnentius? Sounds like something you take for constipation.
474: LEO II BRIEFLY BECOMES BYZANTINE EMPEROR.
Briefly translates to...
474: BYZANTINE EMPEROR LEO II DIES.
He probably didn't even get to try out the throne.
1126: EMPEROR HUIZONG ABDICATES THE CHINESE THRONE IN FAVOR OF HIS SON EMPEROR QINZONG.
Tough day to be an emperor anywhere.
1520: KING CHRISTIAN II OF DENMARK AND NORWAY DEFEATS THE SWEDES AT LAKE ASUNDEN.
Or a Swede, for that matter.
1535: SPANISH CONQUISTADOR FRANCISCO PIZARRO FOUNDED LIMA, THE CAPITAL OF PERU.
And I suppose the Lima bean.
1670: HENRY MORGAN CAPTURES PANAMA.
Obviously he wasn't content to simply have a seat on the "I've Got a Secret" panel.
1778: JAMES COOK IS THE FIRST KNOWN EUROPEAN TO DISCOVER THE HAWAIIAN ISLANDS, WHICH HE NAMES THE SANDWICH ISLANDS.
Hold the mayo...and the pineapple.
1782: STATESMAN DANIEL WEBSTER IS BORN.
Say hello to the Devil.
1871: WILHELM I OF GERMANY IS PROCLAIMED THE FIRST GERMAN EMPEROR IN THE PALACE OF VERSAILLES. THE EMPIRE IS KNOWN AS THE SECOND REICH TO GERMANS.
Yeah, well, the third one was the real killer.
1886: MODERN FIELD HOCKEY IS BORN WITH THE FORMATION OF THE HOCKEY ASSOCIATION IN ENGLAND.
And the first fight was...?
1892: COMEDY STAR OLIVER HARDY IS BORN.
Well, here's another fine mess you got yourself into.
1896: THE X-RAY MACHINE IS EXHIBITED FOR THE FIRST TIME.
Prior to this, broken bones were simply unhappy surprises.
1903: PRESIDENT THEODORE ROOSEVELT SENDS A RADIO MESSAGE TO KING EDWARD VII---THE FIRST TRANSATLANTIC RADIO TRANSMISSION ORIGINATING IN THE UNITED STATES.
First message was "please send moustache trimmer."
1904: ACTOR CARY GRANT IS BORN.
The birth certificate read "Archie Leach."
1913: ACTOR DANNY KAYE IS BORN.
I never quite understood his appeal.
1916: A 611 GRAM CHONDRITE TYPE METEORITE STRIKES A HOUSE IN STONE COUNTY, MISSOURI.
They were looking to put in a sky light anyway.
1933: INVENTOR RAY DOLBY IS BORN.
He's the reason we cover our ears at the movies.
1941: DURING WORLD WAR II, BRITISH TROOPS LAUNCH A GENERAL COUNTER-OFFENSIVE AGAINST ITALIAN EAST AFRICA.
Talk about picking on the smallest kid in the school playground.
1941: SINGER BOBBY GOLDSBORO IS BORN.
Honey, I miss you.
1952: STOOGE CURLY HOWARD DIES.
Hey, look, Moe, it's the Grim Reaper.
1954: ACTOR SYDNEY GREENSTREET DIES.
1955: ACTOR KEVIN COSTNER IS BORN.
If your water breaks, he will come.
1958: WILLIE O'REE, THE FIRST AFRICAN CANADIAN NATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE PLAYER, MAKES HIS NHL DEBUT.
First African? Come on, Wikipedia! He was Black. Deal with it.
1967: BOSTON STRANGLER ALBERT DESALVO IS CONVICTED OF NUMEROUS CRIMES AND SENTENCED TO LIFE IMPRISONMENT.
He could look at the bright side. He didn't have to watch the Red Sox anymore.
1969: UNITED AIRLINES FLIGHT 266 CRASHES INTO SANTA MONICA BAY KILLING ALL 32 PASSENGERS AND SIX CREW MEMBERS.
Wow....that happened like right down the road.
1978: THE ROOF STRUCTURE OF THE HARTFORD CIVIC CENTER COLLAPSES AFTER A SIGNIFICANT SNOWFALL.
Fittingly, the Ice Capades was appearing there at the time.
1978: ACTOR CARL BETZ DIES.
Judd no longer for the defense.
1983: THE INTERNATIONAL OLYMPIC COMMITTEE RESTORES JIM THORPE'S OLYMPIC MEDALS TO HIS FAMILY.
Available on e-Bay the very next day.
1990: WASHINGTON DC MAYOR MARION BARRY IS ARRESTED FOR DRUG POSSESSION IN A FBI STING.
All of you who voted for him should be ashamed.
1990: ACTOR RUSTY HAMER DIES.
Make room for Daddy's son.
1993: MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. DAY IS OFFICIALLY OBSERVED FOR THE FIRST TIME IN ALL 50 STATES.
Go to J.C. Penney's for their annual White Sale.
1995: UMPIRE RON LUCIANO DIES.
2000: THE TAGISH LAKE METEORITE IMPACTS THE EARTH.
Hopefully this one didn't land in Missouri.
2011: POLITICIAN SARGENT SHRIVER DIES.
Dinner last night: Steak and pan roasted tomatoes in balsamic jam.