1456: A RETRIAL VERDICT ACQUITS JOAN OF ARC OF HERESY 25 YEARS AFTER HER DEATH.
Too late to stop that weenie roast.
1534: JACQUES CARTIER MAKES HIS FIRST CONTACT WITH ABORIGINAL PEOPLE IN WHAT IS NOW CANADA.
And gave them gold watches.
1585: THE TREATY OF NEMOURS ABOLISHES TOLERANCE TO PROTESTANTS IN FRANCE.
Another reason not to like the scummy French.
1834: IN NEW YORK CITY, FOUR NIGHTS OF RIOTING AGAINST ABOLITIONISTS BEGAN.
A record broken in June 2020.
1863: THE UNITED STATES BEGINS ITS FIRST MILITARY DRAFT. EXEMPTIONS COSTS $300.
$250 on Amazon.
1865: FOUR CONSPIRATORS IN THE ASSASSINATION OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN ARE HANGED.
To all those who still say Lee Harvey Oswald worked alone.
1898: US PRESIDENT WILLIAM MCKINLEY SIGNS THE NEWLANDS RESOLUTION ANNEXING HAWAII AS TERRITORY OF THE US.
Book 'em, Dan-O.
1899: MOVIE DIRECTOR GEORGE CUKOR IS BORN.
A Director is Born.
1907: FLORENZ ZIEGFELD JR STAGES HIS FIRST FOLLIES IN NEW YORK CITY.
That must have been some casting couch.
1927: MUSICIAN DOC SEVERINSEN IS BORN.
Still blowing after all these years.
1928: SLICED BREAD IS SOLD FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MISSOURI.
What was the biggest thing to happen before this?
1930: INDUSTRIALIST HENRY KAISER BEGINS CONSTRUCTION OF BOULDER DAM.
That must have taken a lot of beavers.
1930: AUTHOR ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE DIES.
No mystery here.
1937: THE PEEL COMMISSION REPORT RECOMMENDS THE PARTITION OF PALESTINE.
And that shit keeps going on to this day.
1940: BEATLE RINGO STARR IS BORN.
Uh uh, yeah.
1946: HOWARD HUGHES NEARLY DIES WHEN HIS PLANE CRASHES IN BEVERLY HILLS.
Undershot LAX for sure.
1954: ELVIS PRESLEY MAKES HIS RADIO DEBUT IN MEMPHIS WITH HIS RECORDING OF "THAT'S ALL RIGHT."
You can't see his hips just yet.
1958: US PRESIDENT DWIGHT EISENHOWER SIGNS THE ALASKA STATEHOOD ACT INTO LAW.
Now he can see Russia, too.
1981: US PRESIDENT RONALD REAGAN APPOINTS SANDRA DAY O;CONNOR TO BECOME THE FIRST FEMALE MEMBER OF THE SUPREME COURT OF THE US.
So, watch your language, guys.
1983: US SCHOOLGIRL SAMANTA SMITH FLIES TO THE SOVIET UNION AT THE INVITATION OF SECRETARY GENERAL YURO ANDROPOV.
She took his advice "and dropped over."
1985: BORIS BECKER BECOMES THE YOUNGEST PLAY EVER TO WIN WIMBLEDON AT THE AGE OF 17.
Wunderbar.
1990: TV HOST BILL CULLEN DIES.
Appeared on or hosted every TV game show in history.
1992: THE NEW YORK COURT OF APPEALS RULES THAT WOMEN HAVE THE SAME RIGHT AS MEN TO GO TOPLESS IN PUBLIC.
Hey, now.
2007: THE FIRST LIVE EARTH BENEFIT IS HELD IN 11 LOCATIONS AROUND THE WORLD.
Back when the Earth was...well...live.
2011: BASEBALL MANAGER DICK WILLIAMS DIES.
I interviewed once in college. I mean, I was in college. I'm not that old.
2016: EX-US ARMY SOLDIER MICAH XAVIER JOHNSON SHOOTS FOURTEEN COPS IN DALLAS.
Shithead.
Dinner last night: Scrambled eggs and Taylor Ham.
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