This Date in History - July 13

 

Happy birthday to Calista Flockhart's significant other.

100 BC:  JULIUS CAESAR IS BORN.

Well, that's interesting because everybody just remembers when he got bumped off.  And how many of you thought there was going to be a salad joke inserted here?

1174:  WILLIAM I OF SCOTLAND, A KEY REBEL IN THE REVOLT OF 1173-1174, IS CAPTURED AT ALNWICK BY FORCES LOYAL TO HENRY II OF ENGLAND.

Alnwick?  Isn't that an air freshener?

1260:  THE LIVONIAN ORDER SUFFERED ITS GREATEST DEFEAT IN THE 13TH CENTURY IN THE BATTLE OF DURBE AGAINST THE GRAND DUCHY OF LITHUANIA.

That's what the Livonian Order gets for not signing a right-handed hitting third baseman during the 1259 offseason.

1558:  AT THE BATTLE OF GRAVELINES IN FRANCE, SPANISH FORCES LED BY COUNT LAMORAL OF EGMONT DEFEAST THE FRENCH FORCES OF MARSHAL PAUL DE THERMES.

If there's one thing we can count on throughout history, France is always nothing but a big pile of losers.

1573:  DURING THE EIGHTY YEARS WAR, THE SIEGE OF HAARLEM ENDS. 

So now we know.  For years, that section of Manhattan has been misspelled.

1608:  ROMAN EMPEROR FERDINAND II IS BORN.

That's no bull.

1787:  THE CONTINENTAL CONGRESS ENACTS THE NORTHWEST ORDINANCE ESTABLISHING GOVERNING RULES FOR THE NORTHWEST TERRITORY.  IT ALSO ESTABLISHES PROCEDURES FOR THE ADMISSION OF NEW STATES AND THE LIMITS THE EXPANSION OF SLAVERY.

I'm glad this happened.  Otherwise, the Civil War would have been the North vs. the South vs. Seattle.

1794:  THE BATTLES OF THE VOSGES IS FOUGHT BETWEEN FRENCH FORCES AND THOSE OF PRUSSIA AND AUSTRIA.

You don't expect those shitkickers from France to beat the Prussians, do you?

1854:  IN THE BATTLE OF GUAYMAS, MEXICO, GENERAL JOSE MARIA YANEZ STOPS THE FRENCH INVASION.

France loses more than Susan Lucci.

1863:  IN NEW YORK CITY, OPPONENTS OF CONSCRIPTION BEGIN THREE DAYS OF RIOTING---THE WORST IN UNITED STATES HISTORY.

Typical New York reaction.  If you don't like something, throw a brick through a liquor store window.

1878:  PER THE TREATY OF BERLIN, THE EUROPEAN POWERS REDRAW THE MAP OF THE BALKANS.

Lucky they had that Etch-A-Sketch.

1913:  TV PERSONALITY DAVE GARROWAY IS BORN.

The first host of the Today Show.  And the last one with a brain in his head.

1923:  THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN IS OFFICIALLY DEDICATED IN THE HILLS ABOVE HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA.

It originally read "Hollywoodland" but somebody in the marketing department did a focus group and they thought that name was too long.

1928:  ACTOR BOB CRANE IS BORN.

Hogan!!!!

1941:  DURING WORLD WAR II, MONTENEGRINS START A POPULAR UPRISING AGAINST THE AXIS POWERS.

Finally, the French are sitting one out.

1942:  ACTOR HARRISON FORD IS BORN.

Damn, he's old.

1954:  ARTIST FRIDA KAHLO IS BORN.

Known for her artwork.  And her two mile long continuous eyebrow.

1973:  ALEXANDER BUTTERFIELD REVEALS THE EXISTENCE OF THE NIXON TAPES TO THE SPECIAL SENATE COMMITTEE INVESTIGATING THE WATERGATE BREAK-IN.

Er, what tapes?

1977:  IN NEW YORK CITY, A 24 HOUR BLACKOUT LEADS TO WIDESPREAD FIRES AND LOOTING.

I'm gonna get myself a new TV.

1985:  THE LIVE AID BENEFIT CONCERT TAKES PLACE IN LONDON AND PHILADELPHIA.

In 2016, the country that really could use the proceeds of a Live Aid concert is America.

1985:  UNITED STATES VICE PRESIDENT GEORGE H.W. BUSH BECOMES ACTING PRESIDENT FOR THE DAY WHEN PRESIDENT RONALD REAGAN UNDERGOES SURGERY TO REMOVE POLYPS FROM HIS COLON.

So this means Reagan missed the Live Aid telecast?  Too bad.

2006:  ACTOR RED BUTTONS DIES.

And he never got a dinner.

2010:  NEW YORK YANKEES OWNER GEORGE STEINBRENNER DIES.

My euphoria continues.

2012:  FILM PRODUCER RICHARD D. ZANUCK DIES.

We're gonna need a bigger coffin.

2013:  GEORGE ZIMMERMAN FOUND NOT GUILTY IN THE KILLING OF TRAYVON MARTIN.

Somebody's last meal should not be a handful of Skittles.

Dinner last night:  Leftover chicken.