Happy Hump Day to You

Some reflections from NY, LA, and nowhere in between. Here I am in the Western Time Zone and thinking about my week in the Eastern Time Zone.

---Coming back to LA, the airport was full of families with kids. Vacation time.

---Doesn't anybody spend a summer simply sitting on a porch with a lemonade and a game of Strat-o-Matic?

---I was sitting adjacent to the restroom on the flight back. It is absolutely astounding how many people walk into that room in either stocking or bare feet?

---It's a public bathroom, for corn's sake! You might as well be in the bus terminal.

---I am betting not every guy hits the toilet on the first shot. You wanna walk in that???

---I saw a trailer for a new horror movie "Captivity." It stars Elisha (see above) Cuthbert, formerly Kim Bauer of "24." On that show, she has been stalked by terrorists, mountain lions, wife abusers, and other deep dark denizens. She obviously doesn't get a break in her movie career either.

---She probably doesn't know how to leave the house in the morning unless there's duct tape over her mouth and electrical cord tied around her wrists and ankles.

---I saw "1408" a good old fashioned horror movie. Poltergeist in a hotel room. John Cusack is one of our more underused and underappreciated actors.

---Lots of fun, but totally predictable. You'll know the false early ending when you see it. Pay attention to the clock radio. That tells you how much time is left in the movie.

---What happens to Cusack in that posh NY hotel room is nothing compared to what is really happening in hotels all over the city.

---The March of the Killer Bedbugs. I know three people who wound up with them hitchhiking in their Louis Vuittons.

---So when you see that hayseed scratching himself silly in the Times Square ESPN Zone, you'll know why.

---Hey, everybody, Paris Hilton is out of jail!

---Now, all those folks in LA should now resume looking both ways before they cross the street.

---I see her first post-hoosegow sit is with that noted journalist Larry King.

---The toughest question he ever asked is "does that come with cole slaw?"

---The question that Larry should be asking on a daily basis is "does anybody have a Beano?"

---I was at the Mets-A's game Saturday night at Shea. Dominic Chianese, Uncle Junior from "The Sopranos," sang the national anthem marvelously.

---I overheard this from two airheads behind me. Guy 1: "Gee, he's got a great voice. I didn't know he could sing." Guy 2: "Yeah, and he remembered all the words. Doesn't he have Ahlzeimer's?"

---I had to turn around and see if this was said with a straight face.

---It was.

---Morons.

---I also got treated to a day at Coney Island to see the Single A Brooklyn Cyclones play on the boardwalk at wonderful Keyspan Park.

---Minor league ball is a hoot. They do anything and everything to keep the crowd engaged between innings. Ball tosses. Hot dog races. Some guy dressed like King Kullen dancing on the dugout.

---The only thing missing was Bob Barker and that damn Plinko game.

---It must have been glorious back in the 50s when the Dodgers were your neighbors. The true neighborhood ballclub.

---They're commemorating the fact that the Dodgers deserted Brooklyn 50 years ago this season. A bunch of the oldtimers are still bemoaning this.

---With all due respect, get over it!

---Back in 1956 and 1957, the Dodgers were drawing about 6,000 people per game. If they had stayed in NY, they would have moved to Long Island or Westchester by now. Face facts. The neighborhood changed. Like they all do.

---And, speaking of which, what a dump my home city of Yonkers has become! I went to Best Buy on Central Avenue and it looked like London after the blitzkreig.

---Was there an airlift from Bangladesh and nobody told me? I felt like I was in another country.

---I am now requesting they put signs in store windows. "English Spoken Here."

---I still don't know whether or not they had what I was looking for. BECAUSE I COULDN'T FIND ANYBODY WHO UNDERSTOOD ME!!!

---You know that sign they put up for apartment rentals? "If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home by Now."

---Well, as far as Yonkers is concerned, "If I Still Lived There, I Would Have Moved By Now."

Home, James!

Dinner last night: back in LA for a prosciutto and mozzarella sandwich from Clementine's.