A Hazy, Hot and Humid Wednesday

The prickly heat of opinions back at you for another scratch.

---Much ballyhoo on the opening weekend of "Transformers." All of the younger folks I know are clamoring to see this. Apparently, they all played with these sacred toys.

---How come Hollywood never made any blockbuster movies based on stuff I played with? Where's my Jerry Mahoney movie?

---Wait, there was one. "Stop, Look, and Laugh." I have the DVD. It starred Paul Winchell, Jerry Mahoney, Knucklehead Smiff, and Officer Joe Bolton. It was built around a bunch of Three Stooges' shorts.

---No CGI needed.

---Talk about the hypocracy of those Live Earth concerts. I heard they had everything biodegradable inside Giants Stadium, right down to the hot dog wrappers.

---Out in the parking lot, it was a tailgating garbage can. People running their car engines to play music. Trash all over the place.

---Nitwits.

---Meanwhile, Al Gore must be relishing that great campaign non-boost he got from his knucklehead son, who was speeding around with a Walgren's pharmacy in the front seat.

---But, at least, it was a Prius.

---Daddy offered all the standard words of support in the press. But, you just know that, behind closed doors, he probably dropkicked Junior's ass down the stairs of that energy-draining monstrosity of a mansion in Tennessee.

---The real thing melting away is his political career. I don't care what he says. Al Snore was waiting for the draft.

---Say Halleluljah! WCBS-FM 101.1 is returning to the oldies format. The Jack format never made it in New York.

---Kudos to my good friend, the Bibster, for suggesting the first song they should play after the format flips.

---Hit the Road, Jack.

---If I saw somebody like Mayor Dirtbag of LA wandering around my apartment building, I would just assume he was there to fix somebody's sink.

---Now there's another gal coming forward and she claims he took a pop at her, too.

---Gee, he's licking the peanut butter out of everybody's jar.

---And that Telemundo reporter ain't doing so bad herself. Allegedly, she's hooked up with about three other Hispanic politicians in the past. She must have taken a master class taught by Angie Dickinson.

---Some ministry organization is imploring Petco Field concession stands to walk off their jobs because the Padres are going to have a gay men's chorus sing the National Anthem.

---Oh, knock it off already! Wait till all these Bible thumpers discover the real reason why Judas hung himself.

---If one of every four people is gay, which one of the disciples was it?

---And following the same logic, which Lennon Sister was the lesbian?

---Is that ministry group even considering the possibility that somebody on the concession staff might be gay themselves?

---All together now. Nitwits.

---You really want to make the All Star Game count for something? I say the winner gets to determine when to fire Commissioner Bud Selig.

---If you were watching the game on Fox, the game itself was an unnecessary intrusion to all that other stupidity surrounding the event. Please stop with the endless crowd shots. One slob looks like another after a while.

---And why did we wait to get hearing from Diamondbacks outfielder Eric Byrnes sitting in a kayak in McCovey Cove. With a swim vest on his ugly dog.

---While we're watching the dog paddle around in the water, Ichiro is halfway around the bases with the first ever All Star inside-the-park home run.

---So, now Mayor Bloomberg of NY wants to charge you 8 bucks to bring your car into Manhattan lower than 96th Street. It's a plan to reduce traffic in midtown.

---You really want to un-congest the city? Stop those delivery trucks from doubleparking on narrow streets. And enforce jaywalking rules. There's a motorcycle cop outside my office window in LA who has nailed about ten people this morning for not using the crosswalk at a red light.

---Eight bucks to drive into town. And now it's 450 bucks if I want a ticket to "Young Frankenstein" which opens in November. Okay, that's for the really premium seats, but you know they're going to ramp up the front mezzanine, too.

---Sorry, Mr. Landlord, I can't pay the rent this month. I am going to see "Young Frankenstein."

---They are pricing this like it's a big hit already. Lightning doesn't always strike twice.

---And Peter Boyle and Marty Feldman are both sadly unavailable.

---Audible scream. They predict there will be 60 million Californians by 2050. And 52% of them will be Mexican.

---Do the math. To me, that just means we'll be seeing a lot more furniture spread out over the 10 Freeway around the first of every month.

---What about all those geeks running to the midnight show of the new Harry Potter movie?

---I'm skipping that one as well. I read the first book on a flight from LA to NY. And I saw the first movie. After that...

---I was done. Waiter, check, please.

---I know people love that stuff. As far as I was concerned, the whole wizardry stuff always confuses the hell out of me. Plus all those weird words. I was convinced the author had forgotten to put her manuscript through Spell Check.

Dinner last night: turkey burger at the Cheesecake Factory.