The July 4th Rant

And here's some of my own personal fireworks for you.

---Back when I was a kid, I can remember lighting a few of the suckers shown above.

---Oh, yeah. Roman candles. Cherry bombs. And, updating for the more politically correct, African-American chasers.

---Firecrackers are probably one of the major exports of China.

---Along with other Asians headed for the United States.

---A friend told me they were going to spend some time over in China to learn about the culture. Why bother? Just check out any outlet mall in New York or California on any given Saturday afternoon.

---Attention: tourists. Please remember that you have round trip tickets.

---There's a book out called "Apocalypse 2012." It ties in some ancient Mayan who predicted that the earth would suffer all sorts of planet-ending catastophies on December 21, 2012.

---Shopping malls will probably use this as a way to get your Christmas shopping done early that year.

---I am betting the news media would report on such an event. As long as Lindsay Lohan doesn't have a fender bender on the same day.

---And when it does happen, you just know nobody will be tuning into Katie Couric for the details.

---Some people are waiting for the end of the world like Met fans are waiting for the return of Pedro Martinez.

---I think the locusts are a better bet. Not a lot of pitchers return from that kind of surgery, let alone one who is moving out of his 30s.

---No matter where they go, baseball fans boo the hell out of Barry Bonds and A-Rod. So, who the hell are the knuckleheads that elected them both to the All-Star squads?

---Okay, A-Rod deserves to go. But Fat Head?? Unless people just wanted him there to see him fall down in the outfield.

---I stopped watching the All-Star Game years ago. Pretty much the time when the National League stopped winning the All-Star Game.

---At the one All-Star game I actually attended, I made the mistake of drinking some potent sangria beforehand. For all I knew, Babe Ruth and Mel Ott could have hit homeruns and I wouldn't have noticed.

---I recently found my scorecard from that game. I had no idea I could write Yiddish.

---Well, it came out. LA Mayor Sleezebag Villaraigosa has announced that he is involved with some Telemundo anchorwoman. So, now you have all the pieces of his marital puzzle.

---If you're surprised by this, I hope your pool filter gets clogged with leaves.

---I know that Prez Bush did something stupid again the other day, but I now zone that all out. I can't believe his stupidity even makes the news anymore.

---All these politicians are choking the life out of this country. Maybe we were a little hasty with that independence thing. I would have taken Tony Blair over any of these losers.

---Nobody asked me. Taxation without representation? What's so bad about that?

---The most capable people that I have seen run for office in the past 30 years are Greg and Marcia Brady.

---They keep telling us to boycott gas. I think we should all boycott the next Presidential election. Our votes make no real diff anyway. Let it all be decided by whoever gets the most friends and relatives to vote for them.

---No, wait. System design flaw. That means that big fat Kennedy load from Massachusetts could win. He'd easily have the most votes on bartenders and ex-mistresses alone.

Dinner last night: proscuitto, potato chips, and assorted snacks at the Hollywood Bowl.