Hallowednesday

All tricks and no treats.

---We're now officially renaming the national pastime "Alex Rodriguez" as this jerk and his blood sucking agent upstage the 2007 World Series by announcing their big opt out from the Yankees in the middle of Game 4.

---Supposedly, his wife never liked New York.

---That's because it's over 500 miles from a hotel room in Toronto, where 26 million dollars a year can certainly get you quite a bit of liquor from the mini-bar.

---And hookers from the lobby.

---Great player, terrible person. The pure embodiment of deliciously sweet and bitterly sour.

---If not the Yankees, who can afford this dope? Not a lot of teams. But, I'll bet the Mets are licking their chops.

---Forget the great stats. The Mets are salivating because his last name ends with "z."

---New Yankee manager Joe Girardi looks like one of those little squealers you would see in those Warner Brothers prison dramas from the 1930s.

---And promptly winds up sitting on the business end of a floor mop.

---If you go into a store that only sells Spam and they suddenly stock up on filet mignon, you immediately develop a taste for steak.

---And that's exactly why the Dodgers have conveniently "disappeared" Grady Little and moved toward Joe Torre. It's as if Tony Soprano engineered the whole deal.

---Grady's a nice guy who always seemed to be one inning early and one pinchhitter late. Sort of like managing a Strat-o-Matic game against your four-year-old kid brother.

---Torre is the perfect fit for the current Dodger team. Lots of great talent that just needs some clubhouse maneuvering.

---Joe will find some overpaid and bloated egos here as well.

---Mr. Torre, please say hello to Jeff Kent.

---Fathead Al Sharpton is back flapping his gums one more time. He's all worked up because VP Cheney was hunting at a Westchester country club that had made the misguided choice of putting a Confederate flag out front.

---Sharpton is like an ambulance chaser. I'm afraid he's going to show up at my office with a picket sign today because I decided not to wear black shoes.

---I was in Westchester over the weekend. I didn't see one single sharecropper.

---Although I would pay top dollar to see Sharpton yoked up and pulling a plow.

---Driving around the wilds of Westchester during a fall weekend is always a treat.

---Saw this in White Plains. A storefront sign. K F C.

---But, if you looked closer, you would see that the name of the place was Kennedy Fried Chicken.

---Now, that's one marketing genius. Counting on the fact that a majority of the neighborhood can't read.

---Which they probably can't.

---Found this store in a Hartsdale strip mall. "We Ain't Just Ribs."

---Now why would you openly promote bad grammar?

---Although I was tempted to stop in and ask them if they had any recliners.

---On Central Avenue in Yonkers, four fire engines came screaming past me. I was the only car who pulled over to the side.

---Meanwhile, two cars sped up to beat the fire trucks through a light.

---So I guess it will take another national calamity for New Yorkers to start recognzing the plight of the fire fighters.

---More Westchester sloppiness. Sitting and watching the first five minutes of "Dan in Real Life" with the lights on since nobody at this Clearview cinema had the first notion of how to run a theater.

---While the patrons are screaming "Lights," the usher staff is out in the lobby comparing notes on Halloween costumes.

---If that happened in Los Angeles, the usher would be used as a pinata.

---By the way, Hell has frozen over again. "Dan in Real Life" is a totally engaging film that features both Steve Carell and Dane Cook. And I lived to tell about it.

---A pass through Ferncliff Cemetary in Hartsdale (visiting the folks) astounded me. The place is crawling (probably literally) with Asians.

---The one mausoleum is filled with these ornate Chinese urns.

---Now, I'm waiting for the one Asian with a sense of humor. He puts his loved one's ashes in a white cardboard container with one of those metal handles. With a take-out menu sticking out of it.

---Knowing how he felt about his Army stint in Japan, the influx into Ferncliff has got to be killing my father.

---Well, again.

---I guess I could have done worse. I could have put him in the "south side" of the cemetary. Right between Malcolm X and Moms Mabley.

---In the last twenty years, it has become very commonplace to diagnose youngsters with ADD.

---But, we all know that this condition has existed for years. And there are tons of adults out there who are undiagnosed.

---I had one of them sitting next to me on my return flight to LA.

---This guy looked like a fairly respectable businessman.

---Except he behaved like a five year-old. He did everything in increments of two minutes. Read a magazine. Put it back. Play the Ipod. Turn it off. Open the DVD player. Close the DVD player. Read a magazine. Put it back. Play the Ipod. Turn it off. Turn on the light. Turn off the light. Ring for the flight attendant. Order a coffee. Ring for the flight attendant. Ask for some water. Turn on the light. Turn off the light.

---By the time I got to LA, I felt like I had been flying for three days.

---With all the drugs being advertised on TV these days, I am shocked we don't see ritalin marketed to adults.

---And what's with all these ads for reptile dysfunction? I really don't care that lizards can't get along with each other.

---Yes, I know. It was a lousy joke.

---Actually it would have been a great gag for Gilda Radner doing her Emily Litella bit.

---Geez, it's not like you have to pay to read this.

---Robert Goulet died while waiting for a lung transplant. Isn't that always the way it happens? There's never a body organ when you need one.

---Amid all the platitudes in his obit, there was no mention of the fact that Goulet used to beat the crap out of his then-wife, Carol Lawrence.

---He probably caught her using his mascara.

---"If ever I would leave you..."

---You just did.

---Sort of like when Peggy Lee died.

---"Is that all there is?"

---Yes.

---Even though the Writers Guild is scheduled to strike today, please be reassured that I will continue to update this every single....

Dinner last night: The BLT at Islands.