Mid-Week Gut Check

Well, since you're just hanging around here. Be forewarned: we are baseball heavy today.

---The Mets still one game back?

---There is ice skating in Hell. I found myself rooting for the Yankees in their losing cause on Monday night, just to spite George Steinbrenner, who says Torre is gone without a playoff victory.

--- The amazing thing here is that George can actually put several words into a coherent sentence.

---I never thought Torre was the brightest guy in the world, but you can't argue with the success he's had. Especially working for that throwback to Colonel Klink as his boss.

---People don't realize how hard it is to get to the playoffs. Torre managed it 12 times in 12 years. With a team constructed for a fantasy baseball league. Full of bloated egos and wallets.

---GM Brian Cashman has spent over 300 million dollars for lousy pitchers. Heck, he offered me a three year contract last spring.

---By the way, Carl Pavano got 10 million dollars this year and he had as many victories as I did in 2007.

---Meanwhile, Fathead George doesn't know how good he has had it.---These days, instead of yelling at people, George probably just throws his oatmeal.

---This bastard was no damn good when he was lucid. Can you imagine how horrible he is now that he drools all over himself?

---Isn't it time to pick out a casket for him?

---The Yankees have Phil Rizzuto's number on their uniforms now. I guess a link to the Money Store website wouldn't fit.

---When Steinbrenner dies, I think the Yankees honor his memory by having all the players wear a bad toupee for a whole year.

---It took all of 12 hours for the sound bite of Yankee broadcaster/char woman Suzyn Waldman's post game sobbing over the imminent departure of Joe Torre to cross the country and make the Southern California rounds.

---From the way it sounded, she will spend the offseason renting herself out as a mourner for Italian funerals in Brooklyn.

---I can't believe that the Yankees are still carting out that glorified Irish bartender for the seventh-inning stretch rendition of "God Bless America."

---Which, by the way, is not a seventh-inning stretch song.

---The way this Ronan Tynan sings it, they could sell it as a mini-series.

---By the way, nice ears on that idiot. I wonder if he can pick up the NFL package.

---They say he is a good luck charm for the team in the postseason.

---Uh huh. Meanwhile, they haven't won the World Series since this goofball got here.

---That four leaf clover is really poison ivy.

---I love all the postseason drama about pitching somebody on three days' rest. It wasn't too long ago when three days rest was plenty for a starting pitcher.

---Hell, Sandy Koufax won Game 7 of the 1965 World Series on two hours rest.

---Is the Met wake over yet?

---I asked my NY neighbor, a former Brooklyn Dodger and a current NY Met fan, what was worse for him. 1951 or 2007?

---He said, hand downs, it was 1951.

---Now, I'm going to find a Met fan who lived through the Hindenburg disaster to put it all in perspective.

---TBS' coverage of the Division series was not half bad. At least, they got away from the constant shots of worried fans that Fox loves to employ.

---Every fan Fox shows looks like they are waiting for a callback from the oncologist.

---But, yo, TBS, what's with that strange graphic showing how much of a lead somebody is getting off first base? It looks like a backgammon table.

---And, after watching him during their in-studio coverage, will somebody please tell me when Cal Ripken Jr. passed away?

---He had all the vitality of a SAT exam proctor.

---These playoff games are taking four plus hours. What is this? The Director's Cut?

---And, what is FrankTV and why do I care?

---They keep promoting some show with this Frank guy who does one bad imitation after another.

---Like we need one more George Bush impression.

---If you want to impress me with an imitation, do somebody that nobody else does.

---You never see anybody doing an impression of Edgar Buchanan or Arlene Golonka. Why?

---I can get snarky now about TBS' new shows, since they passed on the project we pitched them.

---Watching Phillie manager Charlie Manuel during their loss to the Rockies, he reminded me of an old neighbor who chases you off his front lawn.

---Losing Cub manager Lou Piniella looks at the bright side. He can start Carlos Zambrano next spring on 175 days rest.

---Springsteen is on tour. AGAIN.

---One trick pony.

---You ever hear one of these die hard Springsteen fans talk about seeing him in concert? They have this weird concept of time.

---"I saw Bruce at the Meadowlands and he played for three days."

---"He was so exhausted that he left the stage on a gurney."

---"When I went into the show, it was humid and when I came out, it was snowing."

---It's a freakin' concert by a great musician. And you were there for three hours, tops. Get over it.

---I was giddy with glee when I heard that "The Heartbreak Kid" tanked in its opening weekend. Finally, the public rejects a needless remake.

---So, Ben Stiller and a lot of farting is not a direct line to oodles of money?

---The original from 1972 was fine. A script by Neil Simon with supporting actor Oscar nods to Jeannie Berlin and Eddie Albert. See it sometime.

---Flipping the dials last night, I ran across the last five minutes of that sewer backup called "Dancing with the Non-Stars." They were kicking off this Native American with jet black hair, a ponytail, and a facelift so bad his head looked like a Honeybaked Ham.

---Imagine my surprise when I discovered this was really Wayne Newton!

---With all the money he made in Vegas, he can afford to get plastic surgery from someplace other than Jiffy Lube.

---Danke schoen indeed.

---Driving home from dinner last night, we actually saw a guy driving and doing a crossword puzzle at the same time.

---I rolled down the window and yelled, "Hey, Idiot, what's an eight letter word for 'car crash'? A-C-C-I-D-E-N-T."

---He looked at me like I just drowned his puppy.

---It's your life, jerk. Just don't make it somebody else's.

---The Mets still one back?

Dinner last night: scrambled eggs and chicken sausage at the Cheesecake Factory.