Primary Leftovers

At home after having done the unspeakable by voting for Hillary Clinton in the California Democratic Primary on Stupor Tuesday, I needed to decompress. By watching all the returns unfold over the cross of the evening. Sort of like trying to cure a hangover by downing a glass of scotch.

Inexplicably, NBC wasn't even bothering to cover the elections. They opted instead for another installment of "The Biggest Loser" which found some fatties trying to avoid inhaling a chocolate eclair. Since I still don't get CNN in HD, I chose ABC over CBS. For my money, George Stephanopoulos is probably the most underrated political reporter working today, and ABC is damn lucky to have him. Besides, Katie Couric was anchoring CBS for the night and she certainly got the wrong job at the Eye Network. She always looks like somebody is holding a gun to her head, and probably would have been better off spinning some prize wheel on "The Price Is Right."

Beyond the vote tally and a Democratic nomination race that is now tighter than the skin under Hillary's eyes, ABC's coverage allowed me, for the first time, to acquaint myself with the potential First Families. No need to focus on the Clintons, as we know them as well as the Clampetts. But, some of the others were unknowns to me. And, perhaps, I am better off.

Watching Ba-lack Osama's speech to his followers, I was struck by an eerie feeling that I had heard his linguistic patterns before. Sure enough. If you look around on You Tube for some of Martin Luther King's sound bites, you will quickly know that Obooboo has copied all of MLK's inflections. Coincidental? I highly doubt it. Everything about this jerk is totally calculated and I'm sure he knows exactly what he is doing. I was half expecting him to exclaim "I've BEEEEEN to the mountaintop." The more I watch Mrs. Osama Bin Laden, the more I realize that she is going to be big trouble in the White House. A smart, sarcastic, fresh mouth on a Black woman works well for Marla Gibbs on "The Jeffersons." That dog will not hunt on Pennsylvania Avenue.

Moving on to John McCain's victory speech, I was startled to see that he is apparently married to a chorus member from "High School Musical." She is that much younger. I understand that she is Wife Number Two, as he apparently long ago traded up from his first wife, who was apparently disabled in a car crash. While nobody is quite sure whether he's liberal or conservative, at least we can confirm that he's a dirty old man. But, McCain's wife was clearly outshone by his 96 year-old mother, who will hopefully live long enough to bring some class to the White House. She actually looks younger than her son and very much resembles Barbara Bush after two months on the South Beach Diet.

Off we went to Mitt Romney's headquarters and he's definitely on the 18th hole of his political campaign. There was nothing particularly memorable about the family standing behind him, and that pretty much is a metaphor for his Presidential aspirations.

The pinnacle of the night was my introduction to Mike Huckabee's family, which stood behind him while he continued to dispel the notion that God is an Independent. I had to blink twice when I saw his wife and kids, because I was convinced that I had turned off "The Biggest Loser." Huckabee's wife is the quintessential brick shithouse. She has a future as either a prison matron or a girls' gym teacher. I can swear that I saw her tackle David Tyree during Sunday's Super Bowl.

But, last night's shots of the Huckabees certainly didn't do them justice. Because it is best to view the potential First Family in this Christmas card photo.

I wouldn't let these peckerwoods move into my neighborhood, let alone the number one residence in the nation. The matching striped shirts make them look like a barber shop quartet at the Rahway State Prison. And the big one in the middle (granted they're all big) looks like somebody who has had a lot of experience working those shirt-folding machines they give to the more well-behaved psychopaths doing 10 to 20. The girl actually makes Chelsea Clinton look like Jennifer Aniston. Hopefully, the dog got smart and ran away after the picture was taken.

From all the families I saw, there's one more reason to lament the next four years.

Jackie, we hardly knew ye.

Dinner last night: Leftover pot roast.