My Noontime Walk - A Photo Essay

In an effort to keep my weight down to a manageable 20 pounds overweight, I use a noontime break several days a week to take a two mile walk. I head down one block and come back another. I just went back to this regimen after taking the summer off. During July and August, it's so hot in this neighborhood that I'm convinced I've seen Hitler and Hussein outside doing yard work. Yep, it's pure hell.

Well, today, the iPod is juiced up and I hit shuffle. Join me for the sights and sounds of one of my daily constitutionals around Sherman Oaks, California.

Playing on the iPod: The Theme from the Virginian by Percy Faith. The first half of my journey is through a residential area. The shittiest bunch of condos and apartment complexes you'd ever want to see. Most are like this dump. All advertise the usual amenities. By the way, these community jacuzzis are never used by tenants. There are bugs in there as big as your head. Most are old enough to carry on whole conversations with you.

Oddly, the landlord neglected to include this in his sign. No apartment complex should be without shopping carts to lug your groceries in from the garage. This one obviously got away and will be arrested for vagrancy by Sherman Oaks police later in the day.

Playing: Anything Goes by Patti Lupone. Just how bad is this building that so many people are desperate to get out?

Playing: I Really Wanna Know You by Gary Wright. For some bizarre reason, my walk is always disrupted at this spot because the pinheads in these homes have not bothered to put in a sidewalk.

Playing: Small Town Girl by Steve Wariner. It gets a little better a half a block away. At least, these people elected to put in some stones for you to walk across. How much is cement these days? Am I truly out of touch on this? Is there a shortage I haven't read anything about?

Playing: Enough Is Enough by Donna Summer. When I reach this classic old newsstand, I know that I have finished the first mile of my walk. I never see anybody ever buying anything here. Mostly, folks stand around, wrinkle up some magazines as they read them, and then shove them back in the racks. The second mile for me is through a business district. Always great people watching.

Playing: Shower the People by James Taylor. And people watching people sleeping. Proof positive that, if you have to be homeless, there is no better place to do it than in Southern California. Right after I snapped this one, I was approached by two college students/global warming hysterics to sign their petition. One was juggling several rubber balls and I asked him how many billows of smoke resulted from the plant that processed the rubber for those balls. There was no response. He didn't want my signature after all.

Playing: Theme from Lawrence of Arabia. If you're wondering what happened to that lunatic from South Africa, he's selling Pokemon games on Ventura Boulevard.

And this is from the card store right next door. Insert your own joke here.

Playing: Baker Street by Gerry Rafferty. It's not even September 15 and whole stores are now devoted to Halloween. Obviously, Sherman Oaks is not known for its classic architecture.

Playing: Listen People by Herman's Hermits. You've got trouble, my friends. You've got trouble right here in Sherman Oaks. With a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for Pool.

Playing: Up, Up, and Away by the Fifth Dimension. How much would you bet that, on any given day, somebody goes into this store and asks them how late they are open?

Playing: Bellavia by Chuck Mangione. This was apparently the original place and the inspiration for the movie "American Graffiti." The roller skating waitresses are, alas, history.

Playing: Golden Lady by Stevie Wonder. This restaurant is noteworthy only because that's where I lunch with my former TV child star/financial advisor when he explains to me how much money I used to have.

Playing: If You Leave Me Now by Chicago. There are banners for this annual telethon all over town. It is well known that Johnny Carson used to host dinner parties where people gathered to watch this ultimate train wreck of a TV show. Everytime they change the dollar total, the rabbis dance for ten minutes. Change the total and the rabbis dance again. This goes on for six whole hours. And that's the show. It's oddly co-hosted by Jon Voight, who graduated from Archbishop Stepinac High School in White Plains, NY. Who knew??

Playing: Into the Mystic by Van Morrison. Now I'm passing one seedy strip mall after another. The second store prompts a rhetorical question. Do they mean to imply that all dead people are out of shape?

Playing: My Sweet Lord by George Harrison. I didn't bother to cross the street to find out what this new store was all about. I just hope it wasn't Korean food.

Playing: Pleasant Valley Sunday by the Monkees. Another crummy strip mall and, my goodness, you can do almost anything here. Buy a cigar. Have a root canal. Get your back cracked. Buy a new tennis racket. And, apparently, order a suicide cupcake to send to one of your friends.

Playing: Sail On, Sailor by the Beach Boys. For those who have any lingering questions about Johann Guttenberg...

I told you those Chabad banners are EVERYWHERE. The dollar total changes, the rabbis dance. Over and over and over and over.

And we are back in the cool, cool lobby. Thanks for the walk. See you next time.

Dinner last night: The salad bar at Gelson's.