More Words to Die By

Here we go again. A while ago, I ruminated here about those words and expressions frequently used in business. You know what I mean. Those phrases that sound as if they were developed in some marketing think tank designed to complicate our worlds in ways unimaginable. They hang around for a couple of months and then get replaced by even newer words. Just in my travels over the past two weeks, I have run into a bevy of more head scratchers---language twisters that had me digging for a dictionary.

E-enable: The first time I saw this was in an e-mail and I thought it was a typo. Or voice dictated by somebody who stutters. It probably has something to do with being computer literate. Or maybe it's all about some cable subscriber with access to E! Entertainment.

Recontextualize: I have no idea how to contextualize. Now you want me to recontextualize?? I will have to get back to you on this one.

Bricks and clicks: This was used in reference to a website. Perhaps one for some department store that sells both building supplies and Capezio tap shoes.

Mission-critical: This seems to be one stolen from NASA during Apollo 13. That's the last mission-critical I can remember. This was uttered by a sales manager, whose mission-critical is solely to ensure the commission is safely loaded into direct deposit every quarter. Unless you are a doctor or a surgeon, no one in business anywhere has a mission-critical.

Plug and Play: Another web-based expression. Not to be confused with Mattel's See and Say, which is a learning tool most business executives would be completely addled by in the year 2008. Go into any conference room and ask the people assembled there if they really knows what the cow says.

"We need to unbundle": When did we bundle in the first place? And why? The last thing I bundled was a pile of old newspapers in the basement and that's because my father told me to. But, apparently, lots of things in business these days are bundled, unbundled, bundled, and then unbundled all over again. I am waiting to get a resume which lists somebody's last job title as "Senior Vice President, Bundling and Unbundling."

Portals: Not longer are they doors or entrances. You go into portals. Portals gain you access to websites and digital platforms. Also the witch's lair in some Dungeons and Dragons game from the 80s. This word is a direct by-product of the video game generation now running and pretty much destroying our corporate infrastructure.

"Peeling back the onion": A way to get to the heart of a matter, business-wise. It's also a great way to start crying at the drop of a hat. Why not a radish? How about undressing? There are countless other ways to say the same thing without getting your hands all smelly.

"I'm operating at half band-width for the next two weeks": Huh? This was one guy's way of telling me he was busy the next 14 days. So now our mental processes are compared to electronic transmissions? If you suddenly go into a coma, do your loved ones call a doctor or Time Warner Cable repair?

And there's only one way to say this.

Bye.

Dinner last night: Shrimp and Chicken Gumbo at the Cheesecake Factory.