Colder Than a Wednesday's Tit....

This weather map printed here exclusively for the sole purpose of entertaining Al Gore.

---Who might be working, as we speak, on a revised Powerpoint presentation.

---Except his fingers are so cold that he can't work the keyboard.

---Proposed title for a sequel to "An Inconvenient Truth?" How about "Just Kidding, Guys."

---Except for Los Angeles where it's been 75 degrees, the entire country is in test mode for the latest design of Amana's new meat locker.

---How cold is it?

---Sorry, I don't do those jokes. I still respect the legacy of Johnny Carson.

---Those temperature numbers are so low that it looks like the Mets' run production after the All-Star break.

---But, at least, we have those energy saving light bulbs to keep us warm.

---I actually had to explain to somebody out here in So Cal what a wind chill was.

---I think he thought it was a new smoothie flavor at Jamba Juice.

---So, Al, can we check those polar ice caps now?

---It's amazing that you don't hear a peep from that tub of shit when all these blizzards hit.

---The word, my friends, is "weather." We all have it.

---Oh, by the way, there was a record low number of hurricanes this past year.

---Al, that means you might want to revise slides 37 through 48 in that Powerpoint file. I'm here for you, Big Guy.

---Speaking of hurricanes, I was appalled to see a recent episode of my favorite HGTV show "House Hunters."

---Two slobs lost their New Orleans home during Katrina. Well, we got to watch them get a new place with their FEMA dough.

---Complete with home theater, gourmet kitchen, and swimming pool.

---When do I get to go through a weather catastrophe? I'm dying for a housing upgrade.

---Of course, I'm just lucky I got to see "House Hunters" at all. Which is more than I can say for Cablevision subscribers who lost HGTV and the Food Network on New Year's Day.

---Time Warner folks almost had their own drama as Fox threatened to pull their programming as well.

---That's the battle I wanted to see. Jack Bauer firebombing the local cable company.

---By the way, that means there is the mention of an explosive device in today's blog entry. Just in case Homeland Security is checking.

---This new focus on airport security is laughable. Because they keep focusing on what weapons are being hidden.

---Forget the bad devices. Look for the bad people!!!!!

---I am sorry. If you're Muslim, you need to be pulled out of line for a body pat-down.

---Profiling? You betcha.

---If they don't like it, they can go back to their homelands and take it up with the goons living in the hills.

---So now that we're concentrating on looking for explosive underpants, the research and development departments of your friendly local terrorist organization have gleefully moved onto their next new invention.

---And, like the Christmas song says, "laughing all the way."

---I had to giggle during one of the news stories about ramped up security methods. It referred to the airport area past the security checkpoint as a "sterile zone."

---Sterile? Have they looked at the restroom on any jet airliner?

---Some of the bathrooms I've seen hover somewhere on the hygiene meter between a Fordham frat party and a South American abortion clinic.

---I love all the CNN handwringing about Kathy Griffin co-hosting New Year's Eve on their network with that big dumb lummox Anderson Cooper. She dropped a F-bomb among other lewd comments.

---Er, who at the supposed news network hired her in the first place????

---Anybody that tunes into CNN for hard news is apparently watching television with a blind mute.

---And, for even more hilarity, CBS removed Walter Cronkite's voice from the intro to the nightly news with that moronic Katie Couric. The new announcer is...

---Morgan Freeman! Because we don't get enough of him as it is??

---How to get a complete stranger angry at you on New Year's Eve? At a dinner that night, I met an actual NASA rocket scientist.

---And I asked him to explain how they faked the moon landing.

---It was as if I called his mother a dirty slut.

---Meanwhile, in the local newspaper, I actually saw a linen store ad.

----"Martin Luther King Jr. Day White Sale."

---I only write what I see.

---Charlie Sheen has hit another woman. So, when does he get to show off that right punch in a guest appearance on "The View?"

---Sooner than later, that guy will wind up with a jail sentence.

---Probably two and a half years.

---So, now, Tiger Woods' wife knows what he means when he says that he's going out to do eighteen holes.

---Mrs. Woods is so cold that....

---Sorry, I won't do jokes like that either. Once again, it's the whole Johnny thing.

Dinner last night: Grilled bratwurst with sauerkraut.