"Oy."
"Were those the Oscars they were giving out already? I'm so confused."
"No, those were the Golden Globes. You know them. The awards that are decided by a bunch of old fressers from Italy and Spain."
"I was wondering why they were serving dinner. We didn't get a meal when I went to the Oscars in 1956. Two seats away from Carroll Baker, thank you very much."
"God bless her. Cleavage gives me a pulse."
"Sunday they were drinking more than they were eating. Oy gevalt. The Gallo Brothers were making a fortune on that crowd."
"Plus it was so cold out. I bet even Mary Astor's nipples were erect."
"Mary Astor is dead."
"But check her nipples. I bet erect."
"On the record please. That Quentin Tarantinobinocino. Feh!"
"He did a spit take like Dannila. Marlo Thomas should sue."
"Wisenheimer. He's so schmart. Last time pissing on the Nazis. Now all about the schvatza."
"He wants to make a movie about somebody evil? Try my daughter-in-law. That shiksa is a witch."
"Les Miserables."
"Also my daughter-in-law."
"No, the movie, schmuck. It won a lot of Golden Globes."
"I can't be bothered. Russell Crowe singing? I don't have enough troubles?"
"Feh. Did you see that Anne Hathaway? She got a Golden Globe."
"She needs two. Flat as Bubby's ironing board."
"Vey is mir."
"Did she at least wear some underwear? Mel Gibson was there and his last movie was called 'The Beaver.' I'm just saying."
"Most of these people I didn't know. Little pishers with their fancy phones and Faceschnook pages."
"Not like it used to be. If you were driving drunk, the only guy who knew was the studio publicist that got called in the middle of night."
"I miss those days."
"Did you see that Jodie Foster? Woo hoo, was she in her cups?"
"That's what happened when they sit you between Mel Gibson and Robert Downey Junior?"
"The fumes alone could have killed her."
"She made that speech. Where were the subtitles?"
"I think she came out of the closet."
"Hello? Surprise. Everybody's known she was a little meshugeneh for years."
"Those kids of hers look alike."
"Probably used the same turkey baster."
"And her baby daddy is named Cydney? Oy, I'm so confused."
"Jodie's next picture is Les Lez."
"Vey is mir."
"Who was that meeskite who couldn't walk to the stage?"
"Lena Dunham. Some HBO meshugass."
"She had maybe bad corns or bunions. Hello? Wear sensible shoes."
"She takes her clothes off a lot on television."
"And we have to look? If I want to see fat twenty-year-old girls, I'll go look at my old college yearbook."
"And what were those things on her back? Rand McNally maps?"
"Did you see Lincoln?"
"Daniel Day-Lewis looking nothing like Abe. I checked a penny."
"They brought out Bill Clinton, too. To introduce a film clip."
"What's his next job? The candy counter at the Arclight?"
"All these idiots keep talking about how brave they are to do a movie? Brave?? Hello?? Did the check clear? Knock wood."
"You want to know about courage in Hollywood? Try going to see my proctologist after he just had a liquid lunch at Musso and Frank."
"I'll give you bravery. A chili dog at Pink's around two in the morning."
"And what about that Argo?"
"What? They made a movie about corn starch?"
"No, it's from that Ben Affleck."
"The insurance with the duck?"
"No, no, he won Best Director."
"Who revived his career? Greatest comeback since Lazarus."
"Maybe there's hope for us yet."
"Hope. Now there was an entertainer. And he had women stashed all over town."
"Lucky bastard."
"Oy."
"Oy."
"Here you pick up the check. I'll get it when we talk about the Oscars."
Dinner last night: Steak and salad.
(Props to Mr. Anonymous of the Barbara Judith Deluxe Furnished Apartments on Hollywood Boulevard for contributing to the dialogue. And, as always, a boost from the on-line Yiddish dictionary.)
1 comment:
"That Lena Dunham walks like Jerry's Kids."
On to the Oscars!
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